Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:

Nataliafalka · 02/06/2021 14:42

Nope from me. Sure they’re having sex but I don’t need to facilitate it and it takes the relationship to a whole other faux living together arrangement

noirchatsdeux · 02/06/2021 14:42

My parents not only never let my 20 year old boyfriend stay over (I was 18), he wasn't even allowed upstairs in the house!

This was the case until I got married at 21 and moved out...even though we'd owned our own house for 6 months beforehand. I think my mother still thinks to this day that it stopped us from having sex and I was a virgin when I got married....of course it was 'no' to both (and he wasn't my first).

SVRT19674 · 02/06/2021 14:46

I guess I am wildly unpopular, but I would never have dreamt taking a boyfriend home and having sex in my parent´s home. To me it´s basic respect towards my parents.

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 02/06/2021 14:48

My answer would be no but mainly because my children share a room and there is a big age gap. I also wouldn’t be comfortable having someone stay over that I hadn’t met more than a few times, I did this with my children’s friends when they first started school they would come for tea or to play quite a few times before I let them stay so no different really, I just wouldn’t feel I could relax.

My own experience, I wasn’t allowed a partner to stay until I had left home and it was someone I had been with for a long time. Yes I had sex elsewhere but I didn’t turn into a stripper 😂 and it certainly did me no harm, didn’t mean I hid stuff from my parents either I just respected that it was their house

scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 14:51

If you feel your kids are going to be shagging in bushes maybe have a wonder why the they have so little self esteem and respect for themselves and their 'partners' - and work on it.

RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 14:53

There's a fun mix here of people who's children would have sex without their parent's permission and people in complete and total denial.

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 02/06/2021 14:57

Depends on what your comfortable with.

My daughter was in a healthy relationship we agreed that they could stay over each other houses once a week (alternative weekends with his parents) except when exams on when we asked them to limit the time spent together.

Both parents have younger children, and I know that his mum was a little more concerned that their daughter might push for her boyfriend to stay over as she was 14 - usual sibling rivalry! But it was explained that they both over 16 and in a healthy relationship. Our 11 year old just sees her sister boyfriend as part of the family and can see a happy healthy relationship happening - all positive experiences.

With regards to the respect thing - it’s none of my business what goes on inside her bedroom. We have open honest conversations before about flags and being pressured into sex etc if she couldn’t be open around those conversations I’d probably worry that she isn’t ready!

She’s been ‘single’ for 6 months now had a few relationship but hasn’t asked to stay over or anyone stay here - she understands the rules about being in a long term relationships! So that’s where I know she respects my rules.

SavannahLands · 02/06/2021 15:03

I would rather have them safely under my roof than DTD out in a public place such as a Carpark or the back of Shops or Parks where all kinds of troublemakers may be Lurking. Offer her the spare room if you like, but l bet that will not stop them doing the deed when they believe that you are asleep or your back is turned nipping to the Shop or simply watching TV downstairs.

Our DD met her BF at college, she lived at home with us, his main address was 200miles away in South Wales. They were both 17 at the time, and because of the distance, we had little choice but to offer him our Guest room when he came to visit, just like his parents did for our DD. However, it quickly became apparent that they were sharing his Double bed during his visits, and he took to sleeping on DD’s Bedroom floor instead of the guest room when he came to stay with us, which l decided to turn a blind eye to. They were together for almost 3 years, but the cost of Travel, forced time apart due to jobs in their hometowns, took its toll, and they split up.

SofiaMichelle · 02/06/2021 15:24

@scrambledcustard

If you feel your kids are going to be shagging in bushes maybe have a wonder why the they have so little self esteem and respect for themselves and their 'partners' - and work on it.

Exactly my thoughts.

Some people confuse their permissiveness with good parenting - it's easier to permit things than to refuse and instil respect, after all.

KatieB55 · 02/06/2021 15:26

My parents made DH stay in the spare room until we were married even though they knew we were living together 😂 (together since 16).
My ILs asked us if we would like one room the first time we went home from uni.

SofiaMichelle · 02/06/2021 15:32

I would rather have them safely under my roof than DTD out in a public place such as a Carpark or the back of Shops or Parks where all kinds of troublemakers may be Lurking.

Wow. Who'd a thunk the alternative to shagging in your parents house is to go at behind the shops with lurking troublemakers as onlookers.

I'm feeling quite proud that my DD didn't succumb to the allure of getting bonked in front of a crowd of ne'er do wells in a dingy car park.

(And yes, she would definitely have told me if she did, she's in her 20s now and tells me everything whether I want to hear it or not. )

PleasantBirthday · 02/06/2021 15:36

Some people confuse their permissiveness with good parenting - it's easier to permit things than to refuse and instil respect, after all.

Yeah, or that you must permit things that you really aren't happy about because something worse could happen if you don't.

The thing is, 17/16 is very young. It's legal to move out of home but most don't. At that age, we're talking school kids who live at home. There is no reason to artificially accelerate sexual relationships at that age. It's technically legal for them to have sex, but not necessarily advisable.

Some kids need their parents to help them navigate this path. I think OP, that if you felt that your youngster was ready or the relationship was developed enough to make this appropriate, you might not be uncomfortable. But I would say trust your instincts.

RipplesBips · 02/06/2021 15:39

Some people confuse their permissiveness with good parenting - it's easier to permit things than to refuse and instil respect, after all.
Or, some of us, think that our children are developing into actual human beings with the right and ability to determine their own relationships and consent, rather than ignorantly treating them like pets and convincing ourselves that our little darling wouldn't dare of wanking off into your favourite teatowel to lesbian porn on PornHub.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 15:41

@scrambledcustard

If you feel your kids are going to be shagging in bushes maybe have a wonder why the they have so little self esteem and respect for themselves and their 'partners' - and work on it.

Wow.

Teenagers have sex. Even if not full sex, They mess around. Pretending yours are chaste and wouldn’t consider any thing remotely sexual is naive and pearl clutching in the extreme.

“In the bushes” was clearly tongue in cheek. But the point remains.if they are going to have sex, or mess around, then they are going to do it whether you provide a safe space or not. If they are not going to mess around or have sex, then providing a bed for them won’t change that. In fact most teens would rather gnaw their own foot off than risk their parents hearing them at it.

So either they are or they aren’t. The staying the night doesn’t change it.

Hurr8cane84 · 02/06/2021 15:46

At that age I would not encourage a long term relationship at all. He needs the freedom to consider his future without being tied up to a girlfriend. So I wouldn't give them the space to get too comfortable with each other and that's a no from me.

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/06/2021 15:49

RipplesBips
I'm dying at favourite teatowel
Dd's bf has had one sexual partner and he's 21, and he's a bloody great bf to her.
Just finished his 3rd year of a masters at a brilliant Uni, kind, supportive, helpful, pulls his weight around their shared home etc.
She's pretty great too.
Nothing bad came of allowing them to stay over in my home.

Fitforforty · 02/06/2021 15:49

@Viviennemary

It gives a bad example to younger children in the house. And encourages promiscuity.

Her son has been in a relationship for over a year. I’m not sure how that is promiscuous?

Beautiful3 · 02/06/2021 15:53

I would say yes, because of their ages. But I would talk to him about birth control and pregnancy. I'd be inclined to put condoms in his room. I'd rather he had safe sex in the house, than outside it without protection.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/06/2021 15:55

Some people confuse their permissiveness with good parenting - it's easier to permit things than to refuse and instil respect, after all.

And some people confused their strict laying down of the law with good parenting 🤷‍♀️ It's easier to issue a downright refusal than to discuss the situation and come to a thought through conclusion, after all.

Interesting that you think a refusal will create respect rather than a willingness to engage in dialogue 🤔

legotruck · 02/06/2021 15:55

@SVRT19674

I guess I am wildly unpopular, but I would never have dreamt taking a boyfriend home and having sex in my parent´s home. To me it´s basic respect towards my parents.

Your parents brought you up to think sex is disrespectful?

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/06/2021 15:56

I would rather have them safely under my roof than DTD out in a public place such as a Carpark or the back of Shops or Parks where all kinds of troublemakers may be Lurking

This.

This is EXACTLY what I was doing at 16. Not because I had low self esteem, or didn't value myself, but because both sets of parents were so strict that there was nowhere else.

My DS is 17. He has a steady gf. They haven't asked the question about sleeping over yet, but they do spend time in their bedrooms at both houses. As the 4 parents, we've had a proper, realistic conversation. I've also talked to DS about safe sex, protection, consent, the influence of porn etc. I feel I've done the right thing, and produced a son who is considerate, kind and open with me.

goldenfoldies · 02/06/2021 15:58

If you feel your kids are going to be shagging in bushes maybe have a wonder why the they have so little self esteem and respect for themselves and their 'partners' - and work on it.

@scrambledcustard YY!!

I will be hoping to god that my children have more respect for themselves and their partners than to have sec in dirty alley ways etc!! Even if they can't at home!

qualitygirl · 02/06/2021 16:00

@Brakebackcyclebot with all due respect there's not a hope in hell I would have sex in a bloody car park...it's called self respect . At 17 it wouldn't have even crossed my mind and my parents were strict too.

RisingSunn · 02/06/2021 16:01

If you are uncomfortable with it; then that’s your answer. I would be, especially with a younger sibling in the house. I would not like them to see girlfriends/boyfriends staying over in their home.

WellTidy · 02/06/2021 16:01

My parents never allowed me to have a boyfriend stay over until DH and I were engaged. We were 30yo by then . The irony was that DH (then just the boyfriend) and I lived together, 250 miles away, and when my mum and dad came to stay with us, we would give up our bed for them and sleep on the sofa bed. And then DH and I would have separate bedrooms when we stayed with my parents. Honestly!

I think there is a middle ground for you somewhere between your current position and my parents’ position

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread