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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
legotruck · 03/06/2021 12:22

@CatsArePeople

Just the fact there are younger kids in the house, that should be enough to say a strict no.

A lot of people have said this.

Why?

Etinox · 03/06/2021 12:51

@Catflapkitkat

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor
Yep- make a show of showing her the room, make yourself scarce.
gobackanddoitproperly · 03/06/2021 12:53

As long as they're in secondary school it will be a no from me.

CatsArePeople · 04/06/2021 10:10

*A lot of people have said this.

Why?*

Only on mumsnet. Grin No, a 16yo should not watch an18-rated film or videogame because of all the sex scenes. But come on and have an actual shag while your younger siblings are present.

blahblahblah321 · 04/06/2021 10:13

@CatsArePeople

*A lot of people have said this.

Why?*

Only on mumsnet. Grin No, a 16yo should not watch an18-rated film or videogame because of all the sex scenes. But come on and have an actual shag while your younger siblings are present.

I assumed they wouldn't be in the same room... ConfusedGrin
DoodleLovin · 04/06/2021 10:21

I used to stay at my boyfriends every weekend when I was 16. But we had to sleep in different rooms. Obviously there was a lot of sneaking into each other’s room but we tried our best to respect the rules.... most of the time 😬

My son is 4 so not in that situation but when the time comes I’d like his gf/bf to sleep in a separate room. SO thinks I’m too strict but my house my rules hey!

Generallymessy · 04/06/2021 10:29

At this age my ex and I were allowed to stay at each other’s houses. We had a very healthy attitude to sex and I felt very safe, compared to other sexual experiences after that relationship, where things happened in parks etc. I will let my kids have long ish term partners over if they want, when they’re old enough.

legotruck · 04/06/2021 10:38

@CatsArePeople

*A lot of people have said this.

Why?*

Only on mumsnet. Grin No, a 16yo should not watch an18-rated film or videogame because of all the sex scenes. But come on and have an actual shag while your younger siblings are present.

Oh come on Hmm

Unless you are willing to give a reasonable response to the quotation just don't bother.

PugInTheHouse · 04/06/2021 11:14

I think it would be perfectly fine for her to stay over in this situation. I really don't understand what an 11 yo being in the house has to do with anything. Why would you think there isn't an ongoing sexual relationship? Seriously at 16 and 17 after being together a year?

copperpotsalot · 04/06/2021 11:17

No issue in my mind. He'll potentially be at uni next year shagging whoever he likes so better it's under your roof at the start and there's an open dialogue to discuss protection etc.

copperpotsalot · 04/06/2021 11:20

Those talking about promiscuity... how isnit promiscuous to sleep with your partner of one year?!

Viviennemary · 04/06/2021 11:25

@ Copperpotsalot. Hope your son has a hotline to an STD clinic on his phone. What an attitude.

copperpotsalot · 04/06/2021 11:27

@Viviennemary I don't have a son, I'm just going by what went on when I was at uni.

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/06/2021 11:32

@CatsArePeople

*A lot of people have said this.

Why?*

Only on mumsnet. Grin No, a 16yo should not watch an18-rated film or videogame because of all the sex scenes. But come on and have an actual shag while your younger siblings are present.

Do you never shag because you have children?

Would it be ok for a 20yo to have a gf stop over during university holidays if they have an 11yo sibling? Or a 22yo in their first job and visiting at the weekend?

That there is a younger sibling is a reason they need to be discrete, but not a reason to have additional age restrictions for when things become permitted.

iduno · 04/06/2021 11:38

I'd allow it yes. They've been together a year and he is 17 so I wld assume they are already having sex. I kinda think yes it should be separate bedrooms but it's pointless isn't it. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with it either but something I'd have to get over.

Faultymain5 · 04/06/2021 11:41

I am not sure anyone teaches much respect these days if the parent and owner of the home doesn’t feel comfortable just respect that. I met my DH at 22. When I stayed at his house, he slept downstairs, I stayed upstairs so as not to upset his mother. It was respectful to mind what the parents are comfortable with. When he came to mine he was allowed upstairs after we were engaged (to be fair it was only two monthsGrin). When we wanted to sleep together overnight we went to a Premier Inn.

If you don’t feel comfortable with it you shouldn’t feel obliged to allow her to stay over. If you do feel comfortable with her staying but in a separate room, just say so.

Be grateful he came to you, but don’t forget you’re still his parent.

blahblahblah321 · 04/06/2021 11:44

@Faultymain5

I am not sure anyone teaches much respect these days if the parent and owner of the home doesn’t feel comfortable just respect that. I met my DH at 22. When I stayed at his house, he slept downstairs, I stayed upstairs so as not to upset his mother. It was respectful to mind what the parents are comfortable with. When he came to mine he was allowed upstairs after we were engaged (to be fair it was only two monthsGrin). When we wanted to sleep together overnight we went to a Premier Inn.

If you don’t feel comfortable with it you shouldn’t feel obliged to allow her to stay over. If you do feel comfortable with her staying but in a separate room, just say so.

Be grateful he came to you, but don’t forget you’re still his parent.

At that age my boyfriend and I used to go and stay in a B&B, those were the days! Grin
CatsArePeople · 04/06/2021 12:04

*Do you never shag because you have children?

Would it be ok for a 20yo to have a gf stop over during university holidays if they have an 11yo sibling? Or a 22yo in their first job and visiting at the weekend?

That there is a younger sibling is a reason they need to be discrete, but not a reason to have additional age restrictions for when things become permitted.*

We're adults. We've always been discreet around kids. Plus the bedroom isn't the only place for a nookie.

As for 20yo on holidays I wouldn't be happy with random sex partners either.

Just because things are permitted, it's not a job for parents to facilitate teenagers a place to shag.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 04/06/2021 12:18

At 16/17 you are not emotionally ready for sex imo!
just because a 17 year old CAN live on their own it doesn't mean we should treat ALL 17 yr olds that way.
The irony of these two statements.

At that age when I asked if my boyfriend could sleep over it was because we wanted to spend the night together, not shagging, mainly because we didn't want anyone else in the house to hear. We would do that when parents we're out of the house / in a friends house / in the woods behind our friends house... anywhere we could really.

Obviously your child has to respect your decision however I'd look at WHAT exactly is making you uncomfortable? It seems more like the fact your young adult is now that, no longer a child, and you're losing control over them. They'll shag anywhere, whether that be in the house when you're there or not. A year is a pretty long time at that age, they probably just want to be intimate (not sexually) by sharing a bed and snuggling up together while watching a movie and falling asleep.

Whyhello · 04/06/2021 12:27

I moved out at 16. I think you need to be realistic- at 16, they’re most likely having sex especially after a year. If they don’t do it in your house, they’ll find other places to do it. It’s obviously up to you but I think they’re old enough personally.

hopeishere · 04/06/2021 12:35

Acceptable to say no, or yes but in the spare room or yes but if I hear so much as the squeak of a bed spring...

A friend had to listen to her teenage stepson engage in a prolonged shagathon once and said it was awful!!

Vilanelle · 04/06/2021 12:47

Personally I would be asking the girls parents how they felt firstly

legotruck · 04/06/2021 13:02

A friend had to listen to her teenage stepson engage in a prolonged shagathon once and said it was awful!!

More fool her for not telling them to shut up Confused

Faultymain5 · 04/06/2021 13:37

@Vilanelle

Personally I would be asking the girls parents how they felt firstly
This too!
WiddlinDiddlin · 04/06/2021 14:31

Why is so hard to have a conversation with them about whats polite and acceptable in the house and what isn't?

Allowing a partner of over a year to stay over doesn't have to equate to loud performance shagging all around the house in front of smaller children, nor does it automatically mean a string of girls every other day of the week.

Seriously... talk to him.

'Yes, as you appear to be in a long term relationship she can stay over, please be discreet, safe and sensible, no wandering about the house semi nude, remember the walls are thin and sound travels, other people live here too.'

You might feel icky about your offspring having sex with his partner but I'll be willing to bet he feels icky about you having sex with your own partner too... feeling icky about it doesn't mean you should ban it!

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