Son wants GF to stay over.....

[steinber]

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

YANBU I think you should let her stay but absolutely not in the same room. Its a respect thing.

I’d allow this, I’d much prefer they are safe than shagging in some park some place. And yeah that’s what they are doing.

We had a discussion with ds when this first came up and the main reason that we did not allow gf to share his room was because we had a much younger ds. Both elder ds and his gf were always totally respectful and understanding and she stayed in the spare room. When younger ds got a bit older and the gf was very much part of our family we became more relaxed. I was very open with them both and they were not allowed to share a room at gf house as per her parents choice. Be open with them about it but also be prepared to or open to changing how you feel.

I would and did let it at that age. It's not like she's a random girl he just met. They are probably having sex anyway during they day.

I'd allow it after speaking to her parents to make sure they allowed it. She could be telling them she's staying at a girl friends.

It's a no for me. I lived at home until I was 18 and only at the age of 18 (and finished school and in university) was I allowed to have a bf over to stay (and only after we had been going out for over 6months) I respected my parents decision on that!

Actually at the age of 17 I was asked by a boyfriend of 4/5months to go on a holiday with him and his family...my dad's answer was "no not a hope!!"
At the time I was annoyed yes...but it was his rules then. I was still at home and in school. In hindsight I AM SO SO GLAD!! At 16/17 you are not emotionally ready for sex imo! It's only when you get older you realise that!

I don't understand the argument of ppl saying they lived by themselves at 17 so OP should let them...it's two very different scenarios and just because a 17 year old CAN live on their own it doesn't mean we should treat ALL 17 yr olds that way.

My two kids won't be finished school until they are 19.5 so it'll be my rules until I'm afraid. However they are only in primary school now so I can't decide completely right now how I will truly react.

We have had DD BF staying at around the same sort of age TBH. However if you are not comfortable with its up to you .The thing to remember though is that GF DP may be 100 percent happy about it ,and then they will just go to hers! Children dont stay young for long these days and I would be surprised if they were not having Sex already! If you like her then maybe see if you can come round to the idea at all!

@Waxonwaxoff0 not all teenagers have sex though in random places or at all. I didn't have sex until I was nearly 19. Had 3 boyfriends before that too.

I would say no.

It’s not about sex. We all know that can happen regardless. It’s about accelerating to “living together” which is a whole different type of intimacy. Even if it’s just for a night here and there, it’s still taking things to a new level.

Getting your own place or at least paying real rent and taking on an adult share of the household tasks if you live at home is an important milestone. It shows maturity and a readiness to move on to the next steps in life.

[quote qualitygirl]@Waxonwaxoff0 not all teenagers have sex though in random places or at all. I didn't have sex until I was nearly 19. Had 3 boyfriends before that too. [/quote]
They don't, you're right, but in this case OP has said they are having sex.

They may well be having " a sexual relationship" that does not yet include full PIV intercourse (because, they haven't found anywhere private and comfortable enough (for one or both of them) .

So it's possible, that DS and/or the GF might be secretly relieved to be let off the hook, by OP refusing to provide the venue and opportunity . Both can save face, to carry on harmlessly groping and masturbating . " I just can't go all the way. Blame my old-fogy parents "

I KNOW that my teens sometimes relied on us to rescue them with a face-saving excuse.

Sorry, I misread the first post!

I think it depends if the issue is you aren't comfortable having her stay over, or if you are concerned about them having sex.

If the issue is solely you aren't comfortable, and are concerned about the other child in the house. Obviously YANBU.

I lived at home until I was 24, had a steady boyfriend (now husband) for 2 of those years and he never stayed over once, because I had younger brothers and my parents felt uncomfortable about it. That's fine, it's their house.

If it's JUST because you're worried about a sexual relationship, you not letting them stay over won't stop it happening. So have the safe sex chat and ensure her parents are aware of where she is.

I wouldn't. She's only 16.

We didn't have any teen pregnancies in my circle of friends, but far worse, the girls who started having sex at that age developed a terrible attitude towards sex and awful self-esteem issues. Took them over 10 years to get their heads in a better place.

The ones who waited just a few more years didn't have any extreme issues, just the usual girl angst.

From a purely personal POV, it seems to me that sex is not a scarring experience for a 16-year-old boy (or 17 in this case!) but it's too soon for a 16-year-old girl, no matter how smart and mature she seems. Relationships at that age don't last more than a few months. Boys move on. Girls feel dirty and used and start to offer more than they're comfortable with to the next boy in an attempt to be loved.

I mean, you could focus on taking down the patriarchy and societal advertising that makes girls unreasonably feel this way, or you could simply make it harder for your son to sleep with this girl. Not for his benefit, but for hers. If they really want to sleep together, they'll find a way, but if she doesn't totally, definitely want to sleep with your son, you've given her a good excuse to delay until she's sure if it's what she really wants to do.

I also think you should have a Talk with him, if you haven't already. I'm not talking about the conceptive side of things, although that is important and does need to be said. I'm talking about how he shouldn't mislead or pressure any girl into doing something she doesn't really want to do. Feelings can change and there's no guilt there, but he should never sleep with a girl if he knows she thinks he has deeper feelings than he actually has. Etc.

When my DS first asked for his girlfriend to stay over they were both 16 , her mum called me. We had a good chat about it as she was anxious. She liked my DS and was happy that she could stay over here. She however wasnt ready for my DS to stay there. No issue, they were together until they were 20. He had younger siblings at home too

As the mother of a 16 year old girl, I would not appreciate if the parents of her 17 year old boyfriend invited her over to spend the night in his bedroom. It's putting pressure on her to have sex and it's putting pressure on us as her parents to allow her to have sex. The implication is that the boy's parents are fine with him having a sexual relationship and are expecting him to do so.

So, no. She is welcome to stay over, but in different rooms.

@cindarellasbelly A very sensible post.

I would say yabu. I met my husband at school and we always slept at each other’s houses from age 16 onwards, alternating each weekend. Seeing each other at school isn’t the same as being in a relationship and we worked hard but needed some time together.
We got married 8 years later, had a daughter 3 years after that and have now been together a total of 17 years. I have good relationships with my in-laws and my parents.

I think as long as you sit down and have a talk, make sure her parents are onboard with everything and make sure they’re using contraception then I can’t see why it’s a problem.

If they do stay together, in the long run you will have better relationships with the both of them by talking it out and actually listening to them and their reasoning rather than steaming ahead with a “because I said so” argument. Sit down and see what they have to say first.

Nah, you're not wrong OP.

If you don't like the idea then don't allow it.

LMAO at people saying they'll only go and do it elsewhere. So what?

Do you say the same about smoking or drugs? Let them do it at home as they'd only do it elsewhere otherwise?

@SpeakingFranglais

As someone who has two adult children, the oldest who had loads of girlfriends, I would say no. They’re too young and you have other DC to consider.

Once both DC were over 18 and their partners were too I relaxed the rules.

Mine did this at a similar age and kicked up a fuss so I said ok, if the girls mother called me directly and confirmed she was happy with the arrangements.

She never did.

This! Agree 100 per cent.

They are too young, in my opinion. When DD was 16/17 her boyfriend’s mother allowed her to stay over but was very clear to me, and them, that there was to be no bed sharing. I was happy to let her go on that basis. She didn't have a bf in her room overnight until 18.

Tell him that. If hes old enough to have her over then hes old enough to talk about it.

Son, im uncomfotable and im not sure why. Can we talk about it?

I was like this with my DS, I ended up emailing the mum to make sure she knew that her daughter was staying over (I did warn them I would ask her parents). The parents were comfortable with it. I just told my son to be respectful and careful. It was fine, I realise that it is better they are open and honest. It must also take a lot of guts to ask your parents. So I would say it shows they are maturing, more than you realise :-)

@Viviennemary encourages promiscuity?! My parents rule was if we were 16 and in a long term relationship then we could share a bed. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at 17. We are now 30 and get married next month . I'm so promiscuous because my parents let us share a bed at 16!

Dd is 16 and Ds is 12
If her bf stays here it’s in the spare room and if she stays at his house it’s the same.
I don’t judge anyone who does different but that’s what we are comfortable with