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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
InTheDrunkTank · 01/06/2021 15:36

Errr that sounds completely crazy to come out of the blue when you've been babysitting for her kids previously. It would be understandable if you suddenly became friends with her out of nowhere and he didn't get along with her but very srange if she often comes round and all get along well.

steff13 · 01/06/2021 15:39

It sounds like you have a really nice relationship with her. His reaction is weird. Did you ask him why he suddenly decided he didn't want you to interact?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2021 15:40

Bizarre. What else could be going on to give him the strops do you think?

Your set up is probably quite unusual and pretty enmeshed but if it’s works for both families and all the DC are cared for and benefit from the (normally) amicable relationships that’s great.

Him going off on one in front of the DC is completely out of order. You need to have a proper chat when they’re not around and try to get to the bottom of it.

TenShortStories · 01/06/2021 15:40

If he was uncomfortable with the situation he needed to talk to you months ago, not suddenly have a ridiculous temper tantrum about it. Has he even explained what made him suddenly explode when he's previously appeared fine with it?

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 15:42

He doesn't want you looking after Her kids with her new partner.

I think this is the issue.. everything else is a sideshow.

TheQueef · 01/06/2021 15:42

Oh dear.
Is she supposed to be your mortal enemy to fight over him?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 15:43

Dr, nope. He isn't the boss of who your friends with. He needs to give you a PROPER reason for why he doesn't like it and then YOU get to decide what you do about it. The shared kids getting to spend time with both sets of new siblings sounds amazing

gamerchick · 01/06/2021 15:44

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

Then he has a choice to make then doesn't he? He wants to pull the rug, he makes alternative childcare arrangements.

RickiTarr · 01/06/2021 15:46

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2021 15:47

Well you've forgotten to tell us why? Confused

What was his reasoning?

LaPoo · 01/06/2021 15:47

I would be wondering if something has happened recently that he hasn't told you. Have they had an argument or something? It's weird to suddenly declare this and not his decision to make alone.

Maybe I'm too suspicious but I'd wonder why he suddenly needs to keep you apart.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/06/2021 15:47

@BlueDaises

He doesn't want you looking after Her kids with her new partner.

I think this is the issue.. everything else is a sideshow.

Yes, I agree.

His ego is a bit hurt and he's lashing out at OP.

He doesn't get to decide if OP and Ex have a babysitting agreement going on.

CaseBasket · 01/06/2021 15:49

@RickiTarr

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?
Agree and maybe something between them? What the hell..?
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 01/06/2021 15:49

If he wants to take care of everything regarding looking after his DC, then that can include looking after his DC then can't it!

He's being a massive knob. Don't be afraid to tell her he's banned you from having anything to do with her either, so she'll have to get a babysitter from elsewhere. Then hopefully she can tell him what a massive knob he's being too.

Sorry OP, after so long together and the set up being ok up until now, to change like this all of a sudden alarm bells would be ringing.

Boonlark · 01/06/2021 15:49

@RickiTarr

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?
. Yeah, I was wondering this. I reckon she knows things about him from when they were together that he doesn't want you to know. One of my exes has undermined me to his DP because he's lied to her about a lot of stuff about why we broke up etc. She'd be horrified if she knew he'd trapped me in rooms and refused to let me out, for example. So watch out for him undermining her, to you.
Jengnr · 01/06/2021 15:50

Tell him to fuck right off if he thinks you’re looking after his kids under those circumstances

quizqueen · 01/06/2021 15:51

He needs to have his children over when he can look after them himself.

Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:54

Thank you everyone.

He has not given me any reason. Everytime I ask he responds " She's the mom of my kids not youre". Nothing else.

For the babysitting of her children , he is the one who suggested it. To be honest, she helped us a lot too, with our 2 children, when I was ill and she couldn't do it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:54

He*

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 01/06/2021 15:54

This is very odd and I'd see it as quite suspicious. I assume the day she was at yours things were all perfectly amicable and you didn't get any weird vibes from her? Because this smacks of him being terrified she'll tell you something about him that he doesn't want you to know which sees odd if she's been just fine at your house.

I also assume he's fully aware that there's been mutual babysitting etc?

It's completely crazy for him to suddenly change all the goal posts. No least that I assume all the children more or less consider themselves step children so it would have a negative impact on them to suddenly be cut off?

I'd be asking her if she has any idea why he's behaving so oddly.

Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:55

I want to text her and ask her to be honest

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 01/06/2021 15:57

Sounds like you should bin him off and keep her as a friend tbh.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/06/2021 15:57

Don't delete the number. I think maybe you do need to talk with her.

It's possible that it's only cropped up now because it sounds like previously other adults were around eg, her husband your husband, so superficial chit chat maybe.

And this time it sounds like it was just you and Ex, so he's worried she has or might say something he doesn't want you to know.

Singlenotsingle · 01/06/2021 15:58

He thinks you're going to gossip about him behind your back. Maybe he worries that she'll tell you little secrets or things he'd rather you didn't know

Aprilwasverywet · 01/06/2021 15:59

Because between you it makes him look surplus to requirements and useless maybe?