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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 17:55

I am going to call her. Thank you everyone for your advice.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2021 17:55

It sounds curiouser by the second! Good luck op

Devlesko · 01/06/2021 17:57

Ok, so you left your family and friends for him, he controls your life and he's ok if the ex's husband is there.
He's scared she'll say something on her own, and he sounds abusive, I'd be long gone, so should you.

KarmaStar · 01/06/2021 17:57

He's afraid something is going to come out he doesn't want you to know.
Trust your instincts on how you move forward with this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2021 17:59

Surely it’s more important that OP and her DP’s relationship has a “brilliant” set up?

I don’t agree with this. He professes to not be able look after the kids by himself. People (ie the kids) will always be related to one another. Op’s dp has already binned off one relationship with kids. So I’d go for protecting the relationship between the kids myself rather than expect to be controlled by him.

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:59

He came home and she was there

Do they usually cross paths when you are babysitting? Ie he comes back home in the evening to find his ex there.

If not, and usually they don’t cross paths, then I can imagine that getting back from work and having your ex in your home would not be something most would relish in the slightest.

Peach01 · 01/06/2021 18:00

You both look after each others children but he's expected that you don't speak to one another. That's absurd! You need to trust the person you're leaving your kids with.
His reaction is strong considering there wasn't a situation to react to. Hope she can enlighten you when you speak to her. Good luck.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:01

Please keep us posted.

There could be a big secret but I think it's also quite likely that there is not. He may have just become increasingly uncomfortable with the strange situation of his ex and current partners becoming more and more buddy-buddy and finally blew up, with the blow up being the only part you saw. In other words, it could as easily be a communication problem, in my opinion.

MadeForThis · 01/06/2021 18:01

If he hasn't worried about you spending time with her before then something must have happened recently.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:02

@Sometimesfraught82

He came home and she was there

Do they usually cross paths when you are babysitting? Ie he comes back home in the evening to find his ex there.

If not, and usually they don’t cross paths, then I can imagine that getting back from work and having your ex in your home would not be something most would relish in the slightest.

I agree. After all, most people who divorce someone don't want them in their lives too much.
BillyTodd · 01/06/2021 18:03

Can we gently ask what you mean by you left everything to be with him?

There are quite a few red flags here aren't there? Sad

Like hell would I let go of my friendship with her. It seems even more important to keep it now, doesn't it?

PegasusReturns · 01/06/2021 18:04

I’d call her and chat. Unfortunately I think something had probably happened between the two of them and he is trying to prevent you finding out.

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 18:07

@MadeForThis

If he hasn't worried about you spending time with her before then something must have happened recently.
Or perhaps just crossed a line coming back from day at work and finding ex at his dining table - if they usually don’t cross paths
BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 18:07

OP is calling the Ex

ineedaholidaynow · 01/06/2021 18:07

@BigHeadBertha he used to arrange holidays with them, if I have read that right. Bit odd that he doesn't want her around now

Notaroadrunner · 01/06/2021 18:09

@Sometimesfraught82

He came home and she was there

Do they usually cross paths when you are babysitting? Ie he comes back home in the evening to find his ex there.

If not, and usually they don’t cross paths, then I can imagine that getting back from work and having your ex in your home would not be something most would relish in the slightest.

Her Dh has been the one organising meet ups with his ex and her Dh over the years. He's the one who asked his ex to mind his kids with op while op was ill. It's hardly unusual therefore that the ex would be at his house.

Hope you get to the bottom of this. He doesn't get to tell you who you can chat to. He doesn't get to expect that you mind his kids and not speak to their mother. If he pushes this then you pull the support you have given him by minding his kids. See how he likes that.

BillyTodd · 01/06/2021 18:09

I think you have to start acting in your own best interests immediately. Just for now, assume that he isn't on your side. In anything.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:10

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@BigHeadBertha he used to arrange holidays with them, if I have read that right. Bit odd that he doesn't want her around now[/quote]
I agree, it does leave a big question there, doesn't it. But he could also have just finally reached his tipping point with it, too. Like it was okay until it wasn't? Hopefully, there's nothing sinister going on!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 18:12

She keeps asking if you’re mad at her and there’s a long gap between you asking what’s happened and her reply?
I hope my suspicious mind is wrong because the set up, until now, seems idyllic.

MrsWhites · 01/06/2021 18:12

Haven’t read the whole thread but I think ringing her is a good idea, I’d be incredibly suspicious and would assume that she knows something that he doesn’t want you to know. Could he have made a pass at her, has he had the opportunity?

MMMarmite · 01/06/2021 18:17

You say you left everything for him. Could you explain more about what happened and why?

I'm worried that he is trying to isolate you from anyone who is supportive of you.

TheCrowening · 01/06/2021 18:17

This is very weird and illogical behaviour. Yes she’s his ex, but she’s the mother of your children’s half siblings. It’s great for the children if they can see everyone getting along. It’s frankly bizarre to react as if it’s somehow inappropriate. I would definitely wonder what’s going on here and what he has to hide.

OhHarry · 01/06/2021 18:19

Definitely ring her.

Ginger1982 · 01/06/2021 18:24

Sounds like something happened between them? Otherwise very weird. And if she's the mom of 'his' kids not yours then he should be looking after them himself!

FatCatThinCat · 01/06/2021 18:24

She's worried you're mad at her and wants to talk to you, he wants you not to speak to her at all. He's said/done something he shouldn't have to her and doesn't want you to know, and she's worried you're going to blame her for his betrayal.

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