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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
BunnyBerries · 01/06/2021 16:02

I agree I don't think this is about the kids, it sounds like he doesn't want you both chatting about him when he isn't around to hear it but is making out it's about the kids.

etinox · 01/06/2021 16:02

@RickiTarr

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?
I wondered that.
ScottishNewbie · 01/06/2021 16:03

@RickiTarr

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?
This was my immediate thought also. Something going on financially to do with maintenance perhaps?
billy1966 · 01/06/2021 16:03

I think you need to talk to her.

I wouldn't like to be a SAHM with a man like that.
Quite nasty.

Sounds like he has little respect for you and thinks he is the boss of you.

Be careful OP.
Flowers

Cushionsnotpillows · 01/06/2021 16:06

Well he could fuck off with the "telling" me who I could be friends with in a mutually benefical relationship for a start, and that also means the kids have good fun with their step siblings!

Who the hell does he think he is, declaring who you can to talk to and whose number to have on YOUR phone. Doesn't matter if you're a SAHM, he's not the Boss even if he thinks he is. Hmm

SometimesALime · 01/06/2021 16:10

He is thinking that you are going to compare notes and complain about him to each other or she knows something he doesn't want you to know.

As he has pointed out, the one thing you have in common is him and you both have children with him.

He is being ridiculous about it, he clearly thinks it is fine is she comes over with her husband because maybe he believes that would stop her talking about him.

You need to ask him outright.

Janaih · 01/06/2021 16:10

Unless he can give you a valid adult explanation of why you must cut contact with her, I'd say it was reasonable to ask her yourself if there is any issue.

I'm wondering if another man has given him his manly opinion that the set up is odd and he feels compelled to assert his manliness by putting a stop to it.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 16:12

Does he still have feelings for her op? Those are some pretty turf protective statements he’s making.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/06/2021 16:14

He’s being a total dick! This relationship between you and his ex sounds good for everyone, especially the kids!

Frankola · 01/06/2021 16:14

To me, he's either done something or she knows something he doesn't want you to know.

Or he doesn't want you babysitting her kids with the new partner and he just doesn't want to say that.

StarCourt · 01/06/2021 16:15

I can't think of any kind of positive reason why he'd do that

MrsPerfect12 · 01/06/2021 16:15

I would text her OP. It is very strange. Sounds like you both had a great set up and that's brilliant for the kids.

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 16:16

The only logical explanation is that there is something she knows that he doesn't want you to know.

Mumoblue · 01/06/2021 16:17

YANBU.
It’s very shifty. Why the sudden change? Surely if her kids with her partner are toddlers it can’t be that. He needs to explain himself rather than acting like a child.

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 01/06/2021 16:17

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he tried it on with her and doesn’t want you to find out

MadeForThis · 01/06/2021 16:17

I bet he's worried that you will compare stories.
It was ok when you babysat each others kids. He seems to have exploded when he saw you sat together talking. I bet other times were quicker drop offs.

They will both naturally have different memories and interpretations of their relationship. It might not even be major discrepancies or issues like cheating. But equally it could.

KatherineJaneway · 01/06/2021 16:18

I'd say that if he couldn't give me a strong, valid reason for discontinuing I'll be carrying on as now thank you very much.

Eviethyme · 01/06/2021 16:18

Sooo 2 woman can't be friends? Why does she have to be your kids mum.. This is all so strange and he sounds mental

ShutUpAlex · 01/06/2021 16:18

She’s threatened to tell you something he doesn’t want you to know.

SarahBellam · 01/06/2021 16:18

He doesn’t want you to see her. I wonder why.

grapewine · 01/06/2021 16:20

He's being completely ridiculous, and I'd be wondering if he is hiding something from you. It's weird controlling behaviour.

If that's what he wants, then I wouldn't be taking care of his children. He'll have to sort that out some other way.

He also sounds about 12 with his asinine argumentation.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 16:20

It’s a weird thing to say though. She’s my ex not yours. She’s rhe mother of my kids, not yours,,basically all contact goes through me, because she’s mine, not yours

Something is behind it, for sure. There is something he doesn’t want you to know. I’m wonder if he’s made a pass at her.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2021 16:21

@Momto2girliess

Thank you everyone.

He has not given me any reason. Everytime I ask he responds " She's the mom of my kids not youre". Nothing else.

For the babysitting of her children , he is the one who suggested it. To be honest, she helped us a lot too, with our 2 children, when I was ill and she couldn't do it alone.

He has not given me any reason. Everytime I ask he responds " She's the mom of my kids not youre". Nothing else.

And when you asked him 'Why all of a sudden are you saying this?' What was his response?

This is so odd. He's definitely hiding something and he's not even very good at it.

Topseyt · 01/06/2021 16:21

@Momto2girliess

I want to text her and ask her to be honest
I would do exactly that. After all, he seems incapable of giving a proper reason himself.

Tell him bluntly that the current arrangement has been working well and you will have contact with / be friends with whoever you choose. If he doesn't like it then hard luck to him.

NeedNewKnees · 01/06/2021 16:22

He can sod off! Text her and ask what he ion about?