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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 16:52

@Branleuse

hes acting weird. Ask him why hes acting so weird and suspicious all of a sudden over some long lasting arrangement. He doesnt get to unanimously decide who you are friends with, without discussion or reason surely?
The op says that babysitting is a long running arrangement

Not the two of them spending the evening together as per this time

CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2021 16:53

Why did they divorce op?

soreenqueen21 · 01/06/2021 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2021 16:55

Dodgy

MiddlesexGirl · 01/06/2021 16:56

I'd be asking DP what's changed because something must have. And what does he want going forward. Are you no longer looking after his DC?
If he refuses to communicate with you then contact the ex. But if he can't give you the basic respect of telling you why such a drastic change has happened then I'd be very concerned about your relationship.

RonSwansonsChair · 01/06/2021 16:56

Definitely sounds like there is something weird going on. I'd have to ask her to try find out.
Aside from anything else he doesn't have a right to tell you who you can be friends with, and to me it sounds like you two are friendly at least - helping each other out with babysitting etc...

foxyroxyyy · 01/06/2021 16:56

@AnyFucker

Dodgy
Init
Feellikeimsinking · 01/06/2021 16:57

@RickiTarr

Could there be something he has hidden from you that she could tell you? Why is he suddenly frightened of you spending time together? How long have you and her been friendly before this tantrum?
This
ICECream821 · 01/06/2021 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackcat86 · 01/06/2021 16:58

So he wants to dictate your friendships and babysitting arrangements that you've organised but still wants you to continue to provide the bulk of childcare. Fuck that. If you continue to provide childcare after this you're an absolute mug. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Tell him he'll have to take annual leave or reorganise his contact but no they are not your children and she is not your ex. You're so glad that he pointed it out so that HE can then start caring for HIS children during HIS contact not just playing Disney dad with a few car journeys. I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that especially not in front of the children.

threeteenstaximum · 01/06/2021 16:59

@Momto2girliess

Thank you everyone.

He has not given me any reason. Everytime I ask he responds " She's the mom of my kids not youre". Nothing else.

For the babysitting of her children , he is the one who suggested it. To be honest, she helped us a lot too, with our 2 children, when I was ill and she couldn't do it alone.

Yanbu DP is

She is the mother of your step children whom you provide parental care to when he is out. She is the mother of your children's half siblings. It's fantastic that you've been supporting each other and respectful, and babysitting each other's children. And that both your partners also have a lovely blended family of 4 parents- how fabulous for all the children involved

DP needs to explain what his problem is all of a sudden and talk to you, rather than bark an inane comment at you!!
"She is my ex not yours " ... " And?

Because Errr yes, she is indeed your ex and I never dated her, we have always got along and so did you, she is however the mother of my step children and mother of my DCs half siblings, so your point is what??"

Patapouf · 01/06/2021 17:01

His reaction is weird.

He's not shagging her is he? Sorry to be insensitive but that's a clear reason for wanting to keep you away from her.

MoiraRose4 · 01/06/2021 17:01

There’s something he doesn’t want you to know or find out about.

Method · 01/06/2021 17:04

My first thought would be that something has happened between the 2 of them that he doesn't want you to find out. I'd be arranging to meet her tomorrow to find out.

Zzelda · 01/06/2021 17:06

@Momto2girliess

Thank you everyone.

He has not given me any reason. Everytime I ask he responds " She's the mom of my kids not youre". Nothing else.

For the babysitting of her children , he is the one who suggested it. To be honest, she helped us a lot too, with our 2 children, when I was ill and she couldn't do it alone.

Point out that by that logic no-one can ever babysit your children or vice versa because they're not your child's mum. And ask why that argument didn't apply when he suggested that you babysit her children, or when you were ill.
EmbarrassingMama · 01/06/2021 17:06

That's really sad. YANBU.

It's lovely that you and her have such a nice relationship. You are setting a brilliant and secure example to your kids.

MzHz · 01/06/2021 17:08

Call her up and ask her what she thinks is going on?

This is proper weird!

Whythesadface · 01/06/2021 17:12

I say tell him that he needs to arrange someone to look after his children, that the fact you were both helping the other means you now need to change how you do things.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 17:12

It's a dilemma for sure. But this whole situation sounds like it was a landmine to begin with. The only thing I'm surprised about is that it took this long to blow up. It's just too complicated, strangely chummy. With four adults involved, the high chances for "territory" issues, jealousy and hurt feelings were always there. Has this really been going on for seven years with NO problems?!

One thing I've learned the hard way in general is that when things start getting ugly, it's usually best to revert to dealing with your closest person only and let them deal with their closest person, etc. It really limits how far the mess can spread and prevents it from becoming an impossible clusterf*ck.

However, I am not sure how my preferred method would work when some type of deception from your closest person is suspected. In that case, cutting out communication with those other people could just cut yourself out of discovering the truth.

On the other hand, it's his ex-wife and the mother of his children, which trumps your friendship with her or the convenience of a babysitting arrangement. So continuing contact with her when he's asked you to stop could be considered you being disloyal and putting someone outside your marriage before your spouse.

On the other other hand, he is the reason you've formed this practical and emotional connection with his ex. So now that you're this far into it, it doesn't seem fair for him to just demand a sudden cut off without any explanation.

In conclusion, in this situation I think I would not go to his ex first but instead first tell him that's what you plan to do if he doesn't give you a satisfactory explanation. And tell him he needs to tell her about his decision. Then remain pleasant when you see her but honor his wishes and back off from her. Get a different babysitter and only watch the two of her kids that she shares with your husband, in other words, the standard arrangement. After all, there's a reason arrangements like the one that's been going on here are rare.

CallmeHendricks · 01/06/2021 17:13

Tell him that you're the mum of your own kids, not those with his ex so he's going to have to arrange childcare for them whilst he's at work.

dyslek · 01/06/2021 17:16

This is VERY weird behaviour. Does your husband go in for strops? If not I would think about a trip to the GP for your husband.
Out of character temper tantrums can be a sign of serious illness.

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:16

@soreenqueen21

What I find baffling is that presumably you know why the relationship broke down irretrievably and yet you think this level of closeness would be welcomed by him

If you're baffled maybe read the thread, the level of closeness was actually suggested by him!

He suggested babysitting He didn’t suggest the two of them spending the evening together!
loulou0987 · 01/06/2021 17:17

Do you know why their Mariage ended?

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:19

Were you babysitting or were you spending evening together?

Not clear from OP

Velvian · 01/06/2021 17:22

It sounds like you and his ex have a brilliant set up. It's lovely that that all the DCs get to mix all together with their joint half siblings. It must benefit the children massively.

Surely that is the most important thing. I would carry as you are until he actually tells you what he has a bee in his bonnet about.