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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 01/06/2021 14:31

Block Jack.

ZenNudist · 01/06/2021 14:32

Give Jack a very wide berth if you want to stay married? You owe him nothing. Just ignore his texts and if asked why say you didn't want to give him the wrong impression that you'd be up for anything.

TwoAndAnOnion · 01/06/2021 14:33

He's not your friend .... he'll try and blackmail you into bed .... it's all going to be very nasty.

Getawriggleon · 01/06/2021 14:33

Tell Jack to F off and block him. He's not your friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2021 14:34

You tell him to fuck off and grow up, that's what you do, and enough of this "he's an important friend" bullshit. This man is not your friend. A friend does not send grossly inappropriate messages to their married friend, end of. He way be going through a rough time but that is absolutely no excuse for what he's doing. I'm shocked you've tolerated this for so long.

ticktockriojaoclock · 01/06/2021 14:34

Your loyalty is surely to your husband, not Jack.
Whatever his circumstances, Jack is making you uncomfortable with his sleazy behaviour. You don't need to put up with that!

Gliblet · 01/06/2021 14:35

Needing support isn't the same as needing to be allowed to get away with behaving however you choose to. And he is making a choice here.

Next time the messages become flirtatious/sexual, stop replying (put him on mute if necessary). Next day when he's sobered up, remind him that you're always happy to listen if he needs a sympathetic pair of ears, but everything else is off limits. If he's as good a friend as you think he is then he'll be worried about upsetting or embarrassing you. If he takes out his embarrassment or post-breakup anger on you, he isn't who you thought he was.

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:35

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.

OP posts:
UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:36

@Gliblet

Needing support isn't the same as needing to be allowed to get away with behaving however you choose to. And he is making a choice here.

Next time the messages become flirtatious/sexual, stop replying (put him on mute if necessary). Next day when he's sobered up, remind him that you're always happy to listen if he needs a sympathetic pair of ears, but everything else is off limits. If he's as good a friend as you think he is then he'll be worried about upsetting or embarrassing you. If he takes out his embarrassment or post-breakup anger on you, he isn't who you thought he was.

This is a good point - thank you. I am worried about ignoring him though - he may well do something stupid. At least if he's talking then I know he's safe.
OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 01/06/2021 14:38

I would talk to Jack about the fact that you understand he is unhappy but he is going too far, that you are happily married and his sexual texts are most unwelcome.
If he really is a friend he will stop. If he doesn’t stop you will have to drop the friendship, who wants a friend who behaves like this ?

londonscalling · 01/06/2021 14:39

Just message him back saying something the lines of "I know we've always been friends, but please can I ask you not to send any more messages like this. It puts all of us in a difficult situation".

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 14:39

Ask him to stop as it's making you feel uncomfortable

DeeCeeCherry · 01/06/2021 14:40

Jack is a creep yet you want to support him? Support your Husband by blocking a man who disrespects him and his family. So what if he's his boss? If he's idiot enough to make things uncomfortable at work then you can't stop that hut you can support your husband if he needs to make changes to working life.

You could have put a stop to it from the off but you didn't. So do the right thing now. You sound as if you're enjoying it a little. Sleazes who chase married women are 10 a penny, no need to have them as "important friends".

I wonder if you recorded what he said to you? As he's no morals he could easily switch things to say you came onto him, if this all comes out. Another reason why it's wise not to give sleazes the time of day.

TwoAndAnOnion · 01/06/2021 14:41

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.
No but Jacks boss might be interested to hear what a predatory tosser he is
UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:42

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).

OP posts:
aiwblam · 01/06/2021 14:42

You need to somehow get these messages from Jack to stop without jeopardising your dh’s job or working conditions.

Priority 1 is your marriage so tell your dh about the messages and tell him to keep it to himself. If he gets cross in any way with Jack, he could put his own employment at risk.

You could then message Jack to try and calm his messages down as diplomatically as you can.

Any other bloke and fuck off would be fine. But not someone who has the power to slash your household income!

stackemhigh · 01/06/2021 14:42

I am worried about ignoring him though - he may well do something stupid. At least if he's talking then I know he's safe.

Sorry but it sounds like you think it's all a bit funny.

Your husband's boss is making sexually explicit and inappropriate overtures and comments to you and you seem to be justifying this by saying his boss may commit suicide if you tell him to stop?!

It sounds like a poorly made soft porno.

Babynames2 · 01/06/2021 14:43

Tell him it’s not appropriate, that you’re going to tell your DH and then block him. But tell your DH, if he finds out you’ve been hiding the truth of how bad it is then he’s surely going to be pissed off? And feel like you lied to him.

OwlTwitterings · 01/06/2021 14:44

Why did you give Jack the opportunity to keep messaging you after the first inappropriate thing he said?

If you won’t block him, or ignore him, at least change your phone number and don’t give it to Jack. Have some respect for your DH; he’s the one who deserves your loyalties here. Jack is not a friend of either of you.

Gliblet · 01/06/2021 14:44

Even if you think he's at risk of self harm or harming others, your first priority needs to be your own safety and mental health (and even if it's not taking a toll on you now, if this kind of pattern of behaviour continues and develops it'll start taking its toll on you).

If you can't bring yourself to stop replying altogether, go with bland changes of subject so you're not 'rewarding' the shitty behaviour.

If he's sounding sad, anxious, needing to talk about how he feels then fine.

If he's sounding horny, bored, flirty, fishing for compliments then try something like 'Lol. Have you seen (film)? Wondering if it's worth a watch?' Completely trivialise what he's suggesting and make it clear that you consider it nothing more than a (slightly boring) joke.

Honestly though your best bet for resolving this is going to be a conversation while he's sober and in a relatively good place to make it clear he's making life difficult for you by making you the target for his sexual frustrations.

newnortherner111 · 01/06/2021 14:44

One more message to ask for no more contact and then block. Keep the messages in case he is unpleasant to your DH in any way, as evidence.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 14:44

@UhohBoss

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).
Tell him you mean it and have no idea why he is persisting in making you uncomfortable as you aren't interested. Then go cold on him and stop contacting him.
BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 14:44

@newnortherner111

One more message to ask for no more contact and then block. Keep the messages in case he is unpleasant to your DH in any way, as evidence.
Good idea. Keep messages as evidence
SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 14:45

This is a good point - thank you. I am worried about ignoring him though - he may well do something stupid. At least if he's talking then I know he's safe.*
Is there any particular reason you think he's suicidal or might self harm if he can't send you sexually explicit text messages?

Tell him you want to continue being his friends but this is not how friends behave. Cut it out or you will have to tell DH and he knows what a mess that would make of friendship and home. If he keeps on, tell DH and block him.

What are you currently saying when he sends you sexually explicit texts? Does he have any reason to think you're in to it?

Atalantea · 01/06/2021 14:45

If you dont tell DH he will think you have something to hide.

Send a message saying "this is inappropriate, and makes you feel uncomfortable so please stop"