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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 14:46

@UhohBoss

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).
If he's saying he likes the danger etc then it sounds like you're telling him not to do it bec5 it might cause agro not because you don't like it. Do you like it?
Strokethefurrywall · 01/06/2021 14:47

Oh FFS block him already.
He’s not going to do anything stupid, don’t put tickets on yourself.
If you respect your husband and you truly don’t like this behavior then you’d already have done it.

He’s not your friend, he’s a disrespectful arsehole. But you already know that.

UnFringed · 01/06/2021 14:47

No no no he’s using the fact you can’t do anything because of work to be an absolute prick. You’ve told him no and it’s carried on?

I think if you can’t tell him where to go you need to NEVER reply to any message that he send like that, stop feeding the beast.

Hot headed or not I also think you have to tel your DH or this is in serious danger of Jack telling him you were up for it if you never told. I’d be furious if I was with someone and being made a fool of by someone that is coming into my home and messaging my partner. Maybe tell him on a Friday so he has until the Monday to cool off and formulate a professional way of telling Jack to stop?

Rainyday4321 · 01/06/2021 14:48

Your DHs work environment is going to be a lot worse if you don’t nip this in the bud.
He knows he shouldn’t be doing it. You know he shouldn’t be doing it.
You don’t have to actually tell him to F off. Time for a few hard stares and ‘this conversation is finished’ replies.

PacifyLulu · 01/06/2021 14:50

Sounds like you’re enjoying the attention and the drama to me OP.
Otherwise, you have some excellent suggestions above on how to stop this.

BillMasen · 01/06/2021 14:50

Your reluctance to address this looks very much like you are enjoying it.

You have flirted (is that really all?). Keep messages secret. Don’t want to disengage.

Be honest with yourself. You’re playing with fire here

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2021 14:50

Do you really not understand that he is using the fact that he's your husband's boss to take advantage of you? He is a horrible man.

HaggisBurger · 01/06/2021 14:52

You sound incredibly immature to be honest op and enjoying the drama. I doubt very much this man would harm himself if you (properly) asked him to stop immediately. Grow up

User629202 · 01/06/2021 14:52

Don’t betray your husband to offer support to Jack. It’s so disrespectful to your husband. It’s not your job to make Jack feel better. Jack has also been hugely disrespectful to you - sleazy, inappropriate, implying that you might cheat. You owe it to yourself to have sufficiently high standards to drop contact with him pronto.

iknowimcoming · 01/06/2021 14:53

@UhohBoss

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).
This where you say - I really want you to stop, and if you don't we can't stay friends
bloodyhell19 · 01/06/2021 14:53

Going through a tough time is not license to make you uncomfortable. I'd stop responding to him the next time, wait a few days then message and say none of this is appropriate, he's making you very uncomfortable and if he has a genuine issue he needs help with then you're happy to listen but you will not be subjected to unwanted sexualized comments. If it continues after that, just block him.

But I would also tell my DH what's going on. Tell your DP not to kick off but do be honest because if Jack got nasty down the line and tried to swing it like you wanted him to talk to you like that, it's going to go very pear shaped very quickly if DP has no idea any of this has gone on and it will look strange that you kept it from him.

ChaToilLeam · 01/06/2021 14:54

Why on earth do you think Jack is your friend? He is a creep. You have told him not to send these messages. He continues. He’s probably getting a huge kick that you don’t like it. He’s perfectly aware that he could make your DH’s life difficult and is exploiting this. And you’re concerned that he is lonely and depressed?

Tell Jack once more to stop. Don’t reply to any more messages. Screenshot and keep them. Tell your DH about this. He needs to be aware what Jack is doing and that he might make the work situation difficult. But you have to stop indulging this nasty, creepy man and stop thinking that he is any kind of friend to you.

Blue4YOU · 01/06/2021 14:55

Well tell your DH what’s been going on. Surely he can control himself with his boss if he is overly protective?
It’s not really something you can just keep tolerating, is it?
As for your title about him “liking” you - he certainly doesn’t respect you of your DH does he?

Somerford · 01/06/2021 14:56

It's really easy to deal with this, if you want to deal with it. I get the feeling that perhaps what you really want is to find a way to let him carry on giving you attention whilst giving yourself plausible deniability if your DH finds out. If you want it to stop, just tell him to pack it in and block him if he carries on, unless you seriously believe that he's going to commit suicide if he can't send you explicit messages any more.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 14:56

Why on earth do you think Jack is your friend? He is a creep agreed.

Blue4YOU · 01/06/2021 14:57

Oh just saw... he likes the danger..
he definitely doesn’t like you.
Or your DH.
He just wants validation and sex and doesn’t care who he hurts to get that

1boo1 · 01/06/2021 14:57

Stop conversation with him. Even ignoring at the time and messaging the next day isn't ideal.. If it were me and the other way round I'd see it as my DH leading them on or enabling this to happen. Cut ties

Deathgrip · 01/06/2021 15:00

Yikes. This is a very simple problem to solve (you tell him that you’re supposed to be friends and yet he is sexually harassing you and it’s completely unacceptable and stops right now) but not sure you want it to stop.

SympathyFatigue · 01/06/2021 15:01

Grim. You sound like you're enjoying the drama. No way would some sleazy ex colleague be coming over to play with my kids and sexually harass me in my own house.
Tell him you're not interested. You don't find it funny and you'll not be seeing him again.

I'd be furious if I was your husband. If the roles were reversed you'd not tolerate your husband having someone behave like this surely?
If he makes things awkward at work then your husband speaks to HR. Keep the messages in a folder if need be.
Ridiculous.

Eskarina1 · 01/06/2021 15:03

Jack needs sympathy because he's had his heart broken? How will your DH feel when he finds out his boss/friend has been sending sexual messages to his wife and that she has been actively continuing contact, even if not engaging in the sexual content? You're prioritising the wrong person.

In your DH's shoes, I'd consider what you're doing an emotional affair. Not just because you're keeping a secret for Jake but because of the way you talk about this situation and needing to be there for Jake even at your DHs expense.

Jake is working with your husband, knowing he's sent you sexual messages and your DH doesn't know. What if it escalates further to pictures?

Tell your DH now, because that's where your loyalty lies.

SympathyFatigue · 01/06/2021 15:05

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.
There's no haha here. He's not a friend, he's a creep. Even if he does stop now you'd be crazy to speak with him again. You're not acting nobly by facilitating this stupidity. If he's a danger to himself he can access professional help.
jellybe · 01/06/2021 15:05

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.
If his boss' actions towards his wife make things uncomfortable for your DH then your DH needs to see HR. It is not okay that your husband's boss is hitting on you like this. It is gross!
PixieDust28 · 01/06/2021 15:06

'Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more'

UnsolicitedDickPic · 01/06/2021 15:06

Sorry, I don't want to pile on but my first thought was that you might like some of the drama. You describe yourselves as "very close", what did that entail? Was your relationship prior to this oriented on sexual banter? I'd minimise contact and if you honestly think he could try to take his own life, maybe signpost some services to support him. Aside from your marriage, you're not doing your friend any favours by not calling him more strictly on his behaviour.

CherryPippa · 01/06/2021 15:06

How awful that your DH is going into work everyday, taking orders from and giving respect to this sleazebag as his boss not knowing he’s sexting and propositioning his wife after coming into his home and playing with his children too!

The only person you should feel sorry for is your DH. Tell him so he can make it known to sleazebag that he knows what’s been going on in front of HR or a more senior person so it can be documented and he can claim unfair dismissal if sleazebag starts any shit. Hopefully he’ll leave in embarrassment or you DH can transfer somewhere else.