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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/06/2021 15:08

You're enjoying the drama, otherwise you'd have told your DH and blocked him already. He's not a friend, he's a creep, and you are doing him (and yourself) no favours by allowing this to continue.

There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.

You must know this is bollocks, right? I've never flirted with my female friends. This guy has always liked you, and you like to pretend that you don't notice, while actually loving the attention.

Benjispruce3 · 01/06/2021 15:14

What @SirVixofVixHall said.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/06/2021 15:14

He is being highly inappropriate and is on very thin ice if something happens in the workplace between him and your DH.

Where he said "If you want me to stop, I'll stop", the only response to that is "Yes, I want you to stop, so STOP! If you don't I will block you straightaway. I am not interested in carrying on this conversation any further".

You are not responsible for the mental health of Jack.

Block him but hang on to those messages. You might need them in the future.

oakleaffy · 01/06/2021 15:14

If Jack was a true friend he’d not do that to you
He sounds a right piece of work
Block him.

Horehound · 01/06/2021 15:17

What would you want your husband to do if it was him getting messages like that from your female boss?

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 01/06/2021 15:18

You're giving Jack too much credit. He is a creep and he is using his seniority over your DH to manipulate you. Tell him to stop, that you mean it, and that your friendship will be over if he doesn't.

quizqueen · 01/06/2021 15:18

Jack's inappropriate messages should have been nipped in the bud after the first one.

Tubs11 · 01/06/2021 15:18

It amazes me you need advice on this. I feel like you like the attention and may even contemplate taking it further. I feel for your DH and kids. Boss or no boss, if someone messaged me like that I'd block them the second it happened. I don't need that type of cheap thrill in my life and the repurcussions it might bring Hmm

Regularsizedrudy · 01/06/2021 15:19

Or you could... you know... stop sexting his boss

Grumpylate20s · 01/06/2021 15:19

@Tubs11

It amazes me you need advice on this. I feel like you like the attention and may even contemplate taking it further. I feel for your DH and kids. Boss or no boss, if someone messaged me like that I'd block them the second it happened. I don't need that type of cheap thrill in my life and the repurcussions it might bring Hmm
Amen!
Yaya26 · 01/06/2021 15:21

Mmmm... You sound a bit insincere. Very like you are leading Jack on and enjoying the attention/drama. The situation reads like something you'd see in the smutty picture problem pages of a rag newspaper. Don't play with fire or dickheads. Jack sounds like a mutt - he's not interested in you as a friend and has zero respect for you, your husband or children but sees the chance of a shag. Remember that you stand to mess up you, your husbands lives, home and future. Don't be stupid.

Yaya26 · 01/06/2021 15:23

Sorry the end of message messed up.

Remember that you stand to mess up your, your husbands and your kids lives, home and future. Don't be stupid.

Hardertobreathe · 01/06/2021 15:24

@UhohBoss

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).
Tried to dissuade him? Hmm how exactly?

“If you really want me to stop, I’ll stop” - ffs.

A sharp “stop sending me inappropriate messages or I’m blocking you and you will no longer be welcome at my home” would work wonders.....if you really wanted him to stop of course.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:25

Why are you letting this continue and not telling your husband, you could easily put a stop to this. Tell him look I’m not interested, we are friends, never anything more, and ignore it after this?

You need to ask why you’re allowing it to go on like this. Do you feel flattered?

PlumsInTheIcebox · 01/06/2021 15:25

I don't see how this gets past the first inappropriate message, let alone multiple. "Jack, I've always respected you and I'm fond of you as a friend but that message was inappropriate and it's made me really uncomfortable. Never do it again."

JamieFrasersAuntie · 01/06/2021 15:26

Ugh. Why are you putting up with this shit?

Sounds like you are both enjoying taking the piss out of your H.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:27

I am worried about ignoring him though - he may well do something stupid

Oh cmon.

CounsellorTroi · 01/06/2021 15:28

It seems pretty obvious why Jack has broken up with his partner. He is a creep.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 15:28

You’re enjoying the attention too much to bother giving you any advice.

TidyOmlette · 01/06/2021 15:28

Have an honest conversation with jack. Explain how you value his friendship but this isn’t acceptable and there will never be anything between you. Do it face to face so it can’t be ignored.

I wouldn’t throw away a friendship without trying this first but I wouldn’t be putting my marriage at risk either.

MaMaD1990 · 01/06/2021 15:32

I get the feeling you quite like Jack's attention. I mean, this is surely a no brainer - you tell him to stop or block him. Your husband should know, I'd be furious if my partner didn't tell me about something like this, even if it were my boss. Something seems off about your (non)action and seemingly understanding nature to Jack's behaviour.

CaraherEIL · 01/06/2021 15:32

Talk to him one last time and then say if he doesn’t stop you will block him, then do it. If not you are going to have a falling out with him at some point because all these texts will lead up to him making some kind of physical pass at you. Deal with it now otherwise the fall out might jeopardise a lot more than your husbands job.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:34

It’s already jeapordising more than her husbands job. She can’t convince a bunch of strangers she’s engaging for any other reason than she’s loving it, so highly unlikely she’s going to convince her husband.

MuttsNutts · 01/06/2021 15:36

You need to give your head a wobble.

Never mind being loyal to this so-called friend (no friend would out you in this position), what about your loyalty to your husband? Don’t kid yourself that you’ve done nothing wrong - carrying on like this behind his back is a huge betrayal. How would you feel if he was keeping this secret from you?

And you can guarantee if it comes out and Jack is made to feel uncomfortable, he will say whatever is necessary to save his own skin and any embarrassment, he has no loyalty or respect for you or your husband, he has proven that by his actions.

Grow up and ditch this ‘friend’ once and for all before he destroys your marriage.

And I agree with others who think you are flattered by his attention.

Bancha · 01/06/2021 15:38

It comes across like you’re enjoying and most likely encouraging the attention Jack is giving you. The dynamic feels cruel to your husband. He’s allowing a person to come to his house and play with his children who is also secretly texting his wife sexual fantasies about her?! Imagine if this was the other way around. How would you feel about that?