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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 01/06/2021 18:49

I'd tell Jack in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop if you'll cease contact and tell your husband. It's not a bloody game, it's your life. If he doesn't respect that, he ain't your friend!

Sleepingdogs12 · 01/06/2021 18:50

I think he used to like you when you worked together had had a flirty laugh together. Now he isn't in that territory, I would say he sounds angry and is doing something he knows is upsetting you and jeopardising your relationship, he is enjoying the power of saying these things to you knowing you are uncomfortable with it and keeping your partner in the dark. I wonder what he was like in his relationship? You need to tell your husband and stop responding , block his number. This isn't going to fizzle out and go back to normal so the quicker you deal with it the better ..

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 01/06/2021 18:51

@godmum56

Oh and PS he does not "like" you, he is using you. Wake up!
Agree completely with this.
Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:56

@Sleepingdogs12

I think he used to like you when you worked together had had a flirty laugh together. Now he isn't in that territory, I would say he sounds angry and is doing something he knows is upsetting you and jeopardising your relationship, he is enjoying the power of saying these things to you knowing you are uncomfortable with it and keeping your partner in the dark. I wonder what he was like in his relationship? You need to tell your husband and stop responding , block his number. This isn't going to fizzle out and go back to normal so the quicker you deal with it the better ..
I’d say rhe oppposite. He knew rhe op liked him and now he’s messing with her because he can and it’s an ego boost since his relationship broke up.
DiscordandRhyme · 01/06/2021 18:56

@BlueDaises I do think it can be hard yes when you have known someone a long time and they are normally respect to you and have been supportive to you in the past.

Obviously the husband would want her to block. Rightly so and it's the right decision - but it's not always as easy to just cut someone off.

godmum56 · 01/06/2021 18:58

[quote DiscordandRhyme]@BlueDaises I do think it can be hard yes when you have known someone a long time and they are normally respect to you and have been supportive to you in the past.

Obviously the husband would want her to block. Rightly so and it's the right decision - but it's not always as easy to just cut someone off. [/quote]
yes. yes it is.

FudgeSundae · 01/06/2021 19:05

I have read all your messages, including what you said to get him to stop Hmm and I have to say if I was your husband I would be very unhappy.
I don’t know if you get this but this man is sexually harassing you. I don’t care if he’s suicidal, it is not ok to sexually harass someone! Where do you draw the line - if he wanted to actually have sex would you be like “oh, well I don’t really want to but he’s suicidal and it might hurt my DH’s career if I say no”??!
The only way to save your marriage at this point is to show ALL the messages to your DH and decide a plan of action together - how you will respond, how it will affect his career etc. You are acting on your own but you should be a team.

FudgeSundae · 01/06/2021 19:07

Also as ALL the PP have said, Jack is not your friend, and you are not his. He’s not yours because friends don’t sexually harass each other. You’re not his because friends don’t allow friends to think they might be in with a chance when they’re not.

DiscordandRhyme · 01/06/2021 19:10

@godmum56 I'm speaking from my own point of view here someone who is scared of confrontation in a lot of aspects.

Yes she should've blocked him.

She should've after the first slightly edgy comment (because let's face it they gradually do it) 'we are not going in the territory Jack. I'm your friend or we are done'.

But she didn't.

Why?

Could be many reasons. Attention loving is one but so is fear of confrontation, messed up boundaries, anxiety from a past bad experience etc.

He's the one sending these messages and if she's not sending sexual stuff back she's got nothing to hide from her DH.

We have to stop pussyfooting about but to do that we need to feel secure in ourselves and a bunch of women saying she's wanting the matte toon or betraying her DH etc aren't going to fill her with confidence to stick up for yourself.

Like I said in a previous post OXp get angry with Jack how dare he put you in this position. You've been there for him and thought you had a good friendship and now he's trying to manipulate you and doesn't value your feelings. How dare he see you as a conquest. How dare he make you question yourself. How dare he put himself in your relationship.

Let these things sink in. He doesn't really care, he wants sneakiness and debauchery. A true friend even if they had feelings for you would never compromise you like this.

So what are you going to do now you know he is happy to throw your friendship away just like that?

DiscordandRhyme · 01/06/2021 19:12

Sorry typos - baby in arms.

Osrie · 01/06/2021 19:15

He’s playing power games. You can enable him to continue or you can become the powerful one block him. It’s definitely not a case of my DH boss really likes me. It’s a case of my DJ boss is belittling my DJ

Osrie · 01/06/2021 19:16

DH not DJ lol

AnyFucker · 01/06/2021 19:18

I'm getting a lot of mixed responses here

The only mixed responses here are yours to this sleazebag, op. You could have shut this down a long time ago. For some reason, you haven’t.

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:26

[quote DiscordandRhyme]@BlueDaises I do think it can be hard yes when you have known someone a long time and they are normally respect to you and have been supportive to you in the past.

Obviously the husband would want her to block. Rightly so and it's the right decision - but it's not always as easy to just cut someone off. [/quote]

Perhaps in yours and OP's relationships it's hard, but not for me.

It's a Block from me 🌸

Staffy1 · 01/06/2021 19:26

There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all

Can't say I ever flirted with girlfriends, or anyone who I felt no attraction for. Why would you? It seems there was an attraction for him and he probably thinks it was mutual if you flirted.

Maddox33 · 01/06/2021 19:41

You're being ridiculous. You're not responsible for him. He may well be low and having dark thoughts. It's not your job to cajole him into a better frame of mind. Stop responding to his texts. Just delete them without reading them. He'll soon find someone else to harass.

DulseSeaweed · 01/06/2021 19:48

You don't have to tell him to fuck off. But you can stop inviting him round and pull away from the friendship. Because he's not respecting you.

ticktockriojaoclock · 01/06/2021 19:49

I'm calling it. Nobody is this obtuse.

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:49

@DulseSeaweed

You don't have to tell him to fuck off. But you can stop inviting him round and pull away from the friendship. Because he's not respecting you.

and neither of then are respecting her Relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/06/2021 20:02

You know what friends don't do?

Friends don't continue to send sexually charged messages when you've asked them not to. That is called sexual harassment.

He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc.

He. Is. Not. Your. Friend.

And if you're legitimately worried he's going to hurt himself if he can't wank off over what he calls 'the danger' of flirting with the wife of someone he manages, you're deluded.

Bassetlover · 01/06/2021 20:02

I've read the whole thread and you aren't getting alot of mixed responses though. 95% of responders are saying block him and stop responding or variations on that.
You aren't his support human.
He is sexually harrassing you.

Joeblack066 · 01/06/2021 20:04

Tell him to stop it.

Blacktothepink · 01/06/2021 20:05

He’s a predatory wanker! Not sure why people are blaming you! Completely ignore him.

TillyTopper · 01/06/2021 20:12

I really would not be interacting with him any more. I think @londonscalling has a good message. If he persists after that block him. He is not your responsibility to look after and you sound a bit "too nice" to me (sorry just my thoughts). You need to look after your marriage.

DaphneDuBois · 01/06/2021 20:12

@WorraLiberty OP has written that she has replied to him “You need to stop now”.

I view that as her telling him, not asking him. Don’t you?