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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
SergeantCatFlap · 01/06/2021 15:39

If he's talking about "liking the danger", then changes are he's not being at all discreet about this anyway. Wouldn't be surprised if other friends or work colleagues already know about this, and your poor DH is the last to know.

Sparkletastic · 01/06/2021 15:39

If you are genuine OP I feel sorry for your DH - sleazy boss and disloyal wife.

Deadringer · 01/06/2021 15:39

Grow up for god's sake. Tell him to stop with the smutty texts, if he doesn't, block him.

SoLongSister · 01/06/2021 15:41

You are enjoying it too much to want to actually stop it.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:44

@Bancha

It comes across like you’re enjoying and most likely encouraging the attention Jack is giving you. The dynamic feels cruel to your husband. He’s allowing a person to come to his house and play with his children who is also secretly texting his wife sexual fantasies about her?! Imagine if this was the other way around. How would you feel about that?
And the wife is letting him and hiding it.

What a way to treat someone you profess to love.

Op if you ended your marriage Jack would run for the hills. He’s playing you like you’re some silly little woman gagging for his attention.

Grab your dignity and put a stop to this now.

VeryLongBeeeeep · 01/06/2021 15:44

Why is this even a dilemma? You tell 'Jack' you find his messages inappropriate and disrespectful. If he persists, you block him. The guff about his 'state of mind'...firstly, he's responsible for his own poor behaviour and secondly, indulging his sordid little sexual fantasies is not going to improve his mental health.

I agree it sounds like you're enjoying the drama and secrecy. Step back and look at this from your husband's perspective. Still happy to put Jack's 'needs' above your DH's? Because that's what you're doing right now.

Bancha · 01/06/2021 15:46

@Bluntness100

Yes exactly, it’s really vile.

CaseBasket · 01/06/2021 15:46

Cut jack off plz

FrozenVag · 01/06/2021 15:51

Dump him; he’s a predatory twat

Ughmaybenot · 01/06/2021 15:54

Oh this is so gross. Have your husbands back ffs. What are you on about, ‘tried to dissuade him’?! You’re either alarmingly spineless or, and I think this is rather more likely, you’re enjoying the attention and have previously/are currently courting it to a degree. Your comment about ‘as you’d flirt with a female friend’ is laughable, you can’t think people would really buy into that?

FinallyHere · 01/06/2021 15:54

"If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).

This is really not complicated at all.

By not stopping him, you are obviously encouraging him. He is probably doing this to every girl in his contacts list snd continuing with anyone who will reply.

That message above is really good. Use that one.

Meanwhile, the standard to set yourself is only to accept and send messages that you would be happy for your DH to read. If you think this difficult, start a new thread with the three of you and only reply on that one. That gives a very clear message and still provides support.

If he wants support that he doesn't want your DH to see .... well, then at least you are clear about whether you are prepared to go ahead under these circumstances.

All the other stuff, the yes, buts... are not really relevant.

MiaRoma · 01/06/2021 15:55

Oh for goodness sake @UhohBoss

Just tell DH whats happening. Block Jack and get on with your life.

Your excuses are very weak.

Your poor poor DH

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 01/06/2021 15:57

My ex had a friend a bit like this. He was dead nice- proper mr nice guy type. Then he split up with his wife. He started being flirty with me, often while drunk. Then he started being more explicit and handsy. Ex warned him off after one night out after he corned me and stuck his hand up my dress and he was “mortified” and promised never to grope me again, I was his friend and he would never want to upset me. He sexually assaulted me the next time I saw him. I was angry by this point and put up a fight and he head butted me. Fucking terrifying.

Jack doesn’t give a shit about you. He is not your friend or your husband’s friend. You’re an ego boost and possibly nothing more than a power play. He might shag you given half a chance but only to prove that he can have whatever he wants. You need to be upfront with your husband about what this creep has been saying to you. Don’t have him in your home or be alone with him.

Thisisus909 · 01/06/2021 15:57

I’d stop all contact beyond basic pleasantries if I came across him. He can only speak to you that way if you let him. I had a letchy colleague and I was unbelievably clear that he had crossed the line then super professional but no leeway given afterwards. I think you’ve let this slide and it’s really not okay. Are you being totally honest with yourself about your motivations for not being more abrupt/clear with him?

Thisisus909 · 01/06/2021 16:00

The ‘he might hurt himself’ thing is bizarre. If he hurts himself because you tell him he can’t send sexual messages to his friend/colleague’s wife then it would clearly be his problem. Is this even remotely true? Or does it just fit the narrative that you’re so very needed? I don’t say that to be cruel, be honest with yourself even if you can’t be honest with us.

Shareddriveagghh · 01/06/2021 16:09

He is a predatory pervert who is lying about hurting himself. You are either loving the drama which is why you want to discuss it or are a bit dim or both.

Samanabanana · 01/06/2021 16:09

It comes across as though someone quite likes the idea of Jack liking them Grin

Harriedharriet · 01/06/2021 16:10

@BillMasen

Your reluctance to address this looks very much like you are enjoying it.

You have flirted (is that really all?). Keep messages secret. Don’t want to disengage.

Be honest with yourself. You’re playing with fire here

This
AnotherKrampus · 01/06/2021 16:12

OP, you are an attention seeker! Any decent and loyal partner would have immediately shut this shitshow down. But you are really loving this. Your poor partner!

Briarshollow · 01/06/2021 16:14

Yeah you’re lapping it up and I don’t believe for one second it wasn’t exactly like this when you first messaged each other as “VERY close friends”. Just block him. No brainier.

I suspect you like being the cool girl who’s fun and sexy and you like the attention only actually now it’s just a bit pathetic and compromising both your marriage and your husband’s job.

I’m sure you’ll think that harsh but hey.

IAmADoorbell · 01/06/2021 16:14

What are your messages like to him? A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me.

do you reply? Have you replied to these? Or does he just keep sending them...?

Etinox · 01/06/2021 16:16

I hope these responses have been a wake up call OP. You're playing with fire. Life isn't a Carry On Film and you're being very unfair on your DH.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 16:20

He’s NOT a good or important friend

A good or important friend would NEVER EVER put you in this position.

Don’t think that he is. He isn’t. Out of order. Completely. I wouldn’t even contemplate not telling him to kindly fuck off. No friend of mine and I’ve got some very close male friends would ever dare do that to me. Not on

DoItAfraid · 01/06/2021 16:21

Just wanted to add - that if (sorry, when) this mess hits the fan and your DH finds out - Jack "your friend" is going to throw you under the bus. Make no mistake about it. You are going to come out of this terribly.

Shut this down immediately and comprehensively.

proopher · 01/06/2021 16:22

If any friend of mine sent me explicit messages they would be told to stop and if they didn't they would be blocked. He is not your responsibility and he is acting appallingly, and so are you for not stopping it. You are more than capable of stopping this, so if you have any respect for your marriage, do it.