DH's boss likes me

[UhohBoss]

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

1. If you tell your husband and your husband does something stupid that is not your responsibility.
2. If you tell your husband and Jack does something stupid that is not your responsibility.

You all have to take responsibility for your own actions.

If your DH is there at the time ask him to phone Jack for a chat. Literally "are you ok Jack".

If he isn't I would ignore and ask DH to phone when he gets back or text him and ask him to have a chat with Jack.

Jack may self harm if you ignore him. Your husband is 'hot headed' and 'protective'. Why are these things your responsibility? Why is it that you have to manage things because the men around you can't or won't control themselves? Stop taking responsibility for their behaviour - they're adults.

So you've told your husband that his boss has been sending you inappropriate messages and he hasn't asked to see them? No curiosity about them at all? I think that's the strangest part of the story so far.

Sounds like you're the one who likes all
the drama

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.

At least you could send something that says as kindly as possible that any sort of sexual relationship is never going to happen and you'd rather he put a stop to these messages.

Oops, sorry, didn't see your last post, OP. Probably better to tell him now that if he doesn't stop you'll have to block him?

It also doesn't fit with him being hotheaded. If anything he sounds too laid back to be true.

Oh grow up. You know exactly what you're doing here. If someone says something creepy and inappropriate the correct response isn't to change the subject! WTF. OR to tell him pleeeease stop Jack. What are you, a child? Tell him to F off and go quiet, don't talk to him anymore. THAT shows you won't take any of his bullshit.

I would text him now "Your texts are inappropriate and I want you to stop now. You are making me feel uncomfortable and you obviously are having problems with your boundaries at the moment. I am going to block you now so I won't be responding until you can get some help and be more respectful. Please seek help". Then block him. His MH is not your responsibility and he is not acting as a friend, he is totally overstepping the definition of 'frienship'. Another way to look at this is imagine if this was your DH's work colleague texting him. What would you want your DH to do in this scenario? Would you want you or the colleague to be his priority?

FFS you BLOCK him is the answer. Stop being so unfaithful to you husband and children and grow up.

Being polite and hoping he gets the message isn't working is it? He's getting off on the fact that he's your DH's boss, which makes it difficult for you to tell him outright to fuck off.

You are going to have to gird your loins and do it. Say that you have absolutely had enough, you are sick of it and this is the last time you are going to tell him.

I really don't know why you haven't blocked him already. The friend he once was is no more and you owe him absolutely nothing.

There's being lonely and then there is being inappropriate.

"I miss being in a relationship"
"I miss having someone to have a cuddle with"

These kind of statements I completely get and my male friends who are single have said this.

But the fact it's aimed at you specifically is invading your personal space and making you uncomfortable which a true friend would never do.
I have a guy friend who is single and can make the inappropriate sex jokes on occasion but it's a celebrity/tv character he's commenting about and in turn I've said the same 'wouldn't say no to x' as a joke but that's our mutual banter going on there.
If he does have feelings at all he's been respectful enough to not be inappropriate and I think he would be mortified if something did make me feel uncomfortable as despite joking he's very respectful with women, grew up with just Mum and Grandma etc.

So I think Jack is just being a sleaze.
No I'd try to tackle Jack first before DH - telling him to back off pronto or you'll tell DH.

Equally if you're worried DH is going to make a scene you've got another issue - both these men seem to see you as a possession.
Because otherwise DH would be mad at Jack and likely cut contact with him but ultimately trust you and trust you'd ask for his support if you couldn't handle the situation.

'Jack' was only ever keeping you sweet hoping for a chance to have sex with you
:(

Just don’t answer the sleazy texts .

Totally ignore .

Only reply if it’s a normal text .

This is absolutely ridiculous OP

Jack clearly doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, so it's time you got some for yourself and blocked him.

Like fuck would I 'ask' him to stop being inappropriate, I would've got him told after the very first text and let that be an end to it.

All this hand-wringing and umm-ing and ahhh-ing is just dragging it out.

So when he asked about the fog

You repeat. Jack this is not on. I know. No jack. Listen here. You EVER speak to me like that again and I won’t ever speak to you again. I mean it. I’ll stop I’ll stop

If he does it again. Do exactly as you said.

What’s wrong with that?

@UhohBoss

Yesterday afternoon, he sent an inappropriate message. I said "Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now." he said "ooh, talk dirty to me ;)", I said "I'm done now". He immediately responded with "I know I know I know. I'm sorry and I was just messing. How's the dog?" (the dog had been at the vet). I do call him out, I do tell him to stop - he just starts up again.

Stop responding.

It really is that simple.

I think, you thrive on the drama of it all. You might deny it but that little frisson of extra attention.

He's not even subtle enough to be a double entendre flirt, he's a full on sex pest.

At least you know why his marriage broke up- he was probably messaging filth to other women

The chances of him “doing something to hurt himself” if you very firmly tell him to stop are slim to none. Same as if you block him. He will probably just drop you and message all other women he’s inevitably chatting dirty stuff to instead. While sitting at home with his box of tissues by his side and pornhub chrome cast to the tv.

What’s your partner like generally? Are you scared of his reaction to you in all this rather than if he slaps 7 shades of shite out of Jack? Like, are you worried to show these messages to him because your replies to his creepy boss don’t paint you in such a good light? And is that because your partner is unreasonably jealous (so will lose his shit no matter how you respond) or reasonably jealous (it’s clear from the messages you haven’t mind being sent a load of filth from dirty bastard Jack?)

How would you want your husband to proceed if it was a Jacqueline(?) sending him filth?

Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now
for real?
Oh come on... you might as well have said 'ohhh Jack, you're such a naughty boy'

The only thing he’s projecting is an an attempt to get in your knickers. He’s not your friend.

he's a really important friend to me

You’re/your husband are obviously not important to him?

What is wrong with you OP? You need to nip this in the bud now. Are you surprised that Jack doesn’t take you seriously? I’m not. You are entertaining the sexual/flirty conversation by continuing to be there for him when he continually crosses boundaries

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.

And that is why he is continuing to do it. Because he is in a position of power over you.

The unspoken threat is there, isn't it?

At this point, anything other than blocking him is inappropriate on your part. Regardless of whether you're good friends and he has noone, this situation isn't right and is made worse by you keeping in contact

I'm getting a lot of mixed responses here. First I'm being told to tell him to stop, then when I say that I have done that I get told that I'm encouraging him by responding at all and that I should be ignoring him or changing the subject. Then when I point out that I have tried to change the subject, I get told that it's disloyal and I shouldn't ignore it and need to call him out and tell him to stop... I can do no right apparently.
Thank you to the few commenters who have actually been through this and understand that not all women are begging for all men to fancy them or fawn over them. To be clear, he has no legitimate interest in me at all - and that would be why DH has no concern over him being a bit silly (also because Jack is absolutely not someone that I could ever be attracted to at all). DH would have an issue with the fact that Jack's messages are disrespectful and objectify me and disrespect DH - DH is fully aware that Jack is behaving inappropriately and I wouldn't keep that from him.
The suggestion to push DH to talk to him more as a support is a great one and I think it's a great idea - it'll work really well. I also really like the idea of just bombarding him with something entirely non-sexual that we have mutual interests in. Thank you for these.