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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/06/2021 20:15

I also really like the idea of just bombarding him with something entirely non-sexual that we have mutual interests in.

Is this really how we reward men who have continued to sexually harass us after being told repeatedly to stop because it's inappropriate and makes us uncomfortable?! Fucking hell.

anxietyaunt · 01/06/2021 20:32

OP, I’ve been sucked in by men who say they’re suicidal to get away with harassing me in the past. So I get it. It’s incredibly manipulative and abusive. And sadly seems to happen more than you think. He is NOT your friend. He’s getting off on all of this and likely enjoying the power of making you uncomfortable. He pushes and pushes the limits because he can. He’s already gone waaaay to far and getting progressively worse. Ask yourself this - how far will he go? Get this filthy man out of your phone and out of your life.

anxietyaunt · 01/06/2021 20:38

*too far

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2021 20:44

He's a manipulative predator and you're very foolish.

He is using suicide threats and your DH's job to manipulate you into this weird game of his. Block and move on.

Geriatric1234 · 01/06/2021 21:07

Just do what you’d want your DH to do if the situation were reversed.

My advice is to block Jack. Immediately.

FOJN · 01/06/2021 21:17

Why do you think it would be a good idea for your husband to provide emotional support to his boss? Your boundaries are all messed up.

There is no gentle solution to sexual harassment, it ends messily, with police involvement in some cases or with a very firm, unequivocal, leave me alone. I'd bet on messily in this case.

montysma1 · 01/06/2021 21:41

Tell him if he communicates like that again you will no longer speak to him.
And then don't speak to him.
Don't negotiate.
Don't chide.
Don't respond.

Its the response/reaction he wants.
Don't have him in your home and do go to functions he will be at.

You may not think you are encouraging him but you are.

BlueButtercups · 01/06/2021 21:46

You may not think you are encouraging him but you are.

She most definitely IS yes

spacegirl123 · 02/06/2021 08:03

@Tubs11

It amazes me you need advice on this. I feel like you like the attention and may even contemplate taking it further. I feel for your DH and kids. Boss or no boss, if someone messaged me like that I'd block them the second it happened. I don't need that type of cheap thrill in my life and the repurcussions it might bring Hmm
^ this in a nutshell. He said he'd stop if you really wanted him to stop, so he clearly thinks you don't really want him to stop. The more you participate and encourage this behaviour (even if you think you're not) the more you're being disloyal to your own husband. Unless of course you enjoy the attention so by all means continue the flirting but be honest with your husband, put and end to your marriage and show him some respect. Sorry to sound harsh but this seems a pretty easy one resolve for me 🤷‍♀️

"Please don't text me, you're being inappropriate and putting me in a difficult position with my husband. If I receive any more messages like this from you I'll have no choice but to block you."

And you don't need to support him through his woes. You're married, he's a creep.

lorca · 02/06/2021 08:30

The next sexual or 'off' message you get, you respond -
'Jack this stops now. You are not respecting me, my husband, my marriage or our friendship.'
And you block. You MEAN IT!

If he causes problems with your dh at work - you cross that bridge when you come to it - with sexual harassment charges, if necessary.

You stop inviting Jack to your house, stop him interacting with your family.

Stop this right now.

knittingaddict · 02/06/2021 08:36

@QioiioiioQ

Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now for real? Oh come on... you might as well have said 'ohhh Jack, you're such a naughty boy'
I read it in that voice too. Grin

Really this whole thread reads like a fantasy.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 02/06/2021 08:57

OP, I’ve read your updates. I don’t think you’re enjoying the attention but I also don’t understand why you are defending Jack. He isn’t a good person. It sounds very much like you are protecting him over your husband and your marriage and if that is not your intention then you need to remedy this.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 02/06/2021 09:02

I’d also add that Jack will see that you have not told your husband the full truth and take this as tacit encouragement. Men like Jack don’t tend to take things seriously until there’s another man involved.

Cherrysoup · 02/06/2021 09:34

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again)

So you haven’t seriously told him, then, have you? You need to block him, he’s a total sleaze.

BlueButtercups · 02/06/2021 11:54

I wonder how many other woman and wives he's fishing with 🤔

Branleuse · 02/06/2021 12:33

i think your way of handling it is fine OP. I would have been more brutal and blocked, but noone else gets the nuance of the situation and of course, ultimately its up to you.
I personally wouldnt give a fuck about Jacks fragility if he started sexually harrassing me. Men who harrass and make women feel uncomfortable and push their boundaries can top themselves for all I care, but its your friendship, and you put up with as much or as little as you want. I do think its a bit weird though how youre treating him as if hes a child rather than a grown man

BlueButtercups · 02/06/2021 14:26

So you haven’t seriously told him, then, have you? You need to block him, he’s a total sleaze.

nope 👀

pilates · 02/06/2021 14:44

Jack is getting off playing games with you. Just because his relationship has broken up sounds like he’s trying to cause shit with yours. Jack sounds trouble. Stop inviting him to your house. This is not going to end well otherwise.

Nocutenamesleft · 02/06/2021 15:04

@AnyFucker

I'm getting a lot of mixed responses here

The only mixed responses here are yours to this sleazebag, op. You could have shut this down a long time ago. For some reason, you haven’t.

Exactly. There’s no mixed responses

Everyone has said the exact same thing

ChristmasFluff · 03/06/2021 15:59

Yeah, like everyone else says, it's abundantly clear that Jack is not your friend. I don't get pervy texts off Janine and Melissa.

And there's no need to make yourself responsible for his actions. Block the sleaze. You've got a phone full of evidence if he takes it out on your husband.

If you won't do this, then yes, you need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you've made the comfort of an utter cunt your priority. And why you call someone so disrespectful a 'friend'

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