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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 01/06/2021 16:30

He’s a creep.

There was never any attraction there from either side

Well, there clearly was from his...

Seesawmummadaw · 01/06/2021 16:30

How far will you go to make sure that you don’t upset him? Replying to inappropriate texts, putting his happiness before your Dh, sleeping with him?

Your Dh needs to know. Imagine if he had inappropriate texts from a female and didn’t tell you!

Roselilly36 · 01/06/2021 16:33

Never should have got to this stage, you seem to be enjoying the attention, but situations like this never end well. It needs to stop now.

thedancingbear · 01/06/2021 16:35

Fucking hell, it's so obvious that the OP is stringing this out.

If you wanted to knock this on the head, OP, it would be easy. Instead you're continuing to correspond with him, and concealing the full detail from your DH.

If the boot was on the other foot, everyone would be calling this an emotional affair.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 01/06/2021 16:44

OP , just block him. You don't need to engage with him, and you can leave DH to deal with him. Don't let him engineer any situations where he could be alone with you, ie, by sending DH away or similar.

Don't delete anything, because I wouldn't be surprised if your "friend" turned on you, so you need your reply texts to back up your story to DH that you did not engage with him in sexual talk.

Coconuttts · 01/06/2021 16:46

OP, stop this nonsense right now - if you want it to stop that is. Just tell him to STOP. Simple.

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 16:46

To be clear, I am not, at all, encouraging, enjoying or engaging with him. I am not "sexting" him, we weren't together previously, and no, I'm not "getting off" on being "the cool, sexy girl". He's said inappropriate things and I have asked him to stop (like I said). I've said that they make me uncomfortable or I've changed the subject and not engaged with it. He's either laughed it off or apologised and said he'll stop. I have told DH that he's being inappropriate (like I said) but not shown him the messages or told him the extent of them - my fear is that if I do that then he'll end up damaging his work life or doing something stupid to get himself in trouble. I suppose there's also a part of me that's concern he'll immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm a nasty, disloyal cheater (like 90% of responses on this thread) because it's apparently unfathomable that a woman could receive inappropriate messages that she wasn't secretly gagging for.
Jack has said to us both that he's been suicidal since his break up, he's not speaking to many people at all and he's now on antidepressants. I'm not concerned he'll kill himself because he's not allowed to sext me, I'm not that self-indulgent. I'm concerned that if I remove his support system and/or damage his career then he might - so I wanted to handle this gently (to avoid the drama I'm being accused of loving so much).

OP posts:
BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 16:47

Grow up

Respect your relationship

Block Jack the Twat

JovialNickname · 01/06/2021 16:48

Stop cuckolding your husband. This is an incredibly unfair and humiliating situation to put him in. You need to either block Jack or tell your husband everything (preferably both). You can't let him continue to go in every day and work for - and be friends with - this man that's been in his home, played with his children and is now trying to fuck his wife! You think it's funny, or titillating now but you won't when your husband dumps you.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 16:49

@UhohBoss

To be clear, I am not, at all, encouraging, enjoying or engaging with him. I am not "sexting" him, we weren't together previously, and no, I'm not "getting off" on being "the cool, sexy girl". He's said inappropriate things and I have asked him to stop (like I said). I've said that they make me uncomfortable or I've changed the subject and not engaged with it. He's either laughed it off or apologised and said he'll stop. I have told DH that he's being inappropriate (like I said) but not shown him the messages or told him the extent of them - my fear is that if I do that then he'll end up damaging his work life or doing something stupid to get himself in trouble. I suppose there's also a part of me that's concern he'll immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm a nasty, disloyal cheater (like 90% of responses on this thread) because it's apparently unfathomable that a woman could receive inappropriate messages that she wasn't secretly gagging for. Jack has said to us both that he's been suicidal since his break up, he's not speaking to many people at all and he's now on antidepressants. I'm not concerned he'll kill himself because he's not allowed to sext me, I'm not that self-indulgent. I'm concerned that if I remove his support system and/or damage his career then he might - so I wanted to handle this gently (to avoid the drama I'm being accused of loving so much).
The difference here is 90% of us wouldn’t say

Oh. It’s ok. He might do something stupid…..

Because he won’t. Guarantee it.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 16:50

Fuck him

He’s out himself in this position. Stand up to the man or tell your husband. You’re the one who had let it continue!

Blankspace101 · 01/06/2021 16:52

If he is texting you sexual messages out of the blue why don’t you tell him it’s not appropriate then ignore him? You don’t have to continue messaging him.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 16:54

once men start doing this, theres no coming back to the friendship in my experience. Its not uncommon. Its awkward and hes lording it over your dp to make himself feel better I think.
Id tell him that youve asked him to quit it, hes ignored it, and you are now considering it harrassment. Hes chosen to make things awkward and he doesnt give a fuck about your boundaries.
Honestly this is why I no longer really do platonic friendships with men anymore except for rare exceptions

Noshowlomo · 01/06/2021 16:54

He sounds like a knob who is all "poor me" so he can justify being sexually inappropriate with you.
My husband wouldn't give a shit if he was the CEO of the company, if he found out his boss was sending filth to his wife he would go nuts!
Your poor husband

CaraherEIL · 01/06/2021 16:54

The thing is OP he is at your husbands work, he is also in your home. Supporting someone should not involve an abuse of trust of the people you are relying on to support you.
Your priorities are your husband and your children, you cannot go down the rabbit hole of allowing unacceptable behaviour because Jack is fragile.
If a woman had been in your home and was texting your husband in this way, fantasising about what she would like to do to him in bed and he didn’t want to cut her off because she was too fragile how would you feel?
You need to pick a team.

Patapouf · 01/06/2021 16:55

He's not your friend and you're stringing him along by not telling him his sexual and explicit messages are totally unacceptable. The fact you haven't shown them to DH is an issue too.

tolerable · 01/06/2021 16:55

let your dh be hot headed.jacks misery does not pave the way to being a knob.thats so disrespectful.
if boot was other foot how would you feel.

MustardRose · 01/06/2021 16:56

"Your messages are unwelcome and I am telling you to stop."

Just send him that.

Crankley · 01/06/2021 16:58

It's so obvious that you are enjoying this and if you had any respect for your DH and yourself you would block him or simply ignore his messages.

Grow up, tell your husband and deal with it.

RickJames · 01/06/2021 17:02

I had something similar happen, fortunately the creepy guy had no power over my husband's work but he could have made things awkward socially.

I either answered non-commitally very late, like 2 days later, or engaged him in one of our shared interests and bombarded him with links and pictures relating to the interest. If he moaned about women, tried to get into sex talk, I said stuff like "Listen to your Aunty Rick..." or "Now, your Aunty Rick is a bit old for all this now but I think...". Basically treated him like a daft kid. It killed it all off very civilly. God, I was so annoyed with it at the time though. No messages for months - I'm thrilled!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/06/2021 17:03

Just looking at your thread title says a lot, OP. PP have called it just right, you are enjoying your role in this pathetic plot - and you're doing it at the expense of your husband.

You could call a halt to this but you don't want to. Far from liking you, Jack has nothing but disregard for you and your marriage. Look at it that way. You have to tell your husband - and tell Jack that he's crossed the line and that you won't engage any longer.

Or, will you write another winsome thread navel-gazing about this loser and what he might do if you don't pet him?

You.Are.Fooling.Nobody.

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 17:03

Yesterday afternoon, he sent an inappropriate message. I said "Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now." he said "ooh, talk dirty to me ;)", I said "I'm done now". He immediately responded with "I know I know I know. I'm sorry and I was just messing. How's the dog?" (the dog had been at the vet).
I do call him out, I do tell him to stop - he just starts up again.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 01/06/2021 17:04

You need to tell him to stop now. Tell him that you have told your husband about the messages (not because you need to hide behind a man but because you need to put yourself in a situation where he cannot attempt to blackmail you by telling your husband that you came on to him) and that you have saved the messages and that if he continues to harass you (yes it is harassment) you will report him/ask your husband to report him to his immediate boss.

This man is NOT your friend, friends don't behave like this towards each other. If he was having a bad moment his instant reaction after you told him to stop the first time should have been utter mortification and to never do it again, not leave it a bit then start all over again.

Raise your expectations of your friends and tell yourself you are worth more than this shallow excuse for a human.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/06/2021 17:04

Block. How difficult is that?

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 17:06

this is ridiculous

your poor Husband

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