to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

[EnjoyingTheSunshine]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

Wow, just came back and didn't expect my thread to stir up such a heated debate!

What I would like to add to the discussion is that I think it's dangerous as a woman to not work on your career and make yourself completely financially dependent on a man. Even if your husband is a high earner and you can send your kids to private schools, it's far from ideal.

What do you do when your husband does a runner in 10 years time with his younger secretary? What do you do when your husband dies?

I'm a child of that, my mother found herself a single mother of 4 when I was ten years old because my father checked out of the marriage. She was a SAHM and didn't have any employable skills anymore . We were absolutely screwed and if it hadn't been for our grandparents helping us , we would have become homeless.

@EnjoyingTheSunshine

Wow, just came back and didn't expect my thread to stir up such a heated debate!

What I would like to add to the discussion is that I think it's dangerous as a woman to not work on your career and make yourself completely financially dependent on a man. Even if your husband is a high earner and you can send your kids to private schools, it's far from ideal.

What do you do when your husband does a runner in 10 years time with his younger secretary? What do you do when your husband dies?

I'm a child of that, my mother found herself a single mother of 4 when I was ten years old because my father checked out of the marriage. She was a SAHM and didn't have any employable skills anymore . We were absolutely screwed and if it hadn't been for our grandparents helping us , we would have become homeless.

It’s a societal issue.

We should be able to chose. Not be forced into things because we’re considered unemployable after 5-10 year out of the work force.

Choose*

@TheKeatingFive oh and I’m only explaining my circumstances to show that everyone has their own reasons for their life choices. I probably would still of been a SAHM if my DS didn’t have the conditions he does because I have an independent income so I’m not financially dependent on anyone.

@MissyB1

I do think very young children thrive better if they have adequate amount of time at home with their primary caregivers. Full time nursery means a very short evening and only two days at a weekend. There won’t be much family time. Nursery itself isn’t the problem, for me it’s the balance of time, what can happen is that the Nursery becomes the primary caregiver because of the amount of time the child spends there. You don’t mention dad? It shouldn’t all be on you. Is there any way between you that baby could have a bit more time at home? What a load of tosh. I've been a childcare for over 40yrs and NEVER has a child forgotten who it's parent is, nor wanted me more than a parent. And what's more, on the rare occasion that it does happen a child is becoming overly attached to you, it's your job to make sure they don't.

As someone with professional qualifications and lots of working experience in this area, I was just giving an honest opinion. Well you need a lot more experience and qualifications in order to remove your honest judgemental opinion and learn to be more professional.

Children thrive when they are warm, safe, cared for. Regardless of who is giving that care. They do not forget their parent and they rarely are more attached to a carer than the parent.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken agree!

I do think very young children thrive better if they have adequate amount of time at home with their primary caregivers. Full time nursery means a very short evening and only two days at a weekend. There won’t be much family time. Nursery itself isn’t the problem, for me it’s the balance of time, what can happen is that the Nursery becomes the primary caregiver because of the amount of time the child spends there. You don’t mention dad? It shouldn’t all be on you. Is there any way between you that baby could have a bit more time at home. What a load of tosh. I've been a childcare for over 40yrs and NEVER has a child forgotten who it's parent is, nor wanted me more than a parent. And what's more, on the rare occasion that it does happen a child is becoming overly attached to you, it's your job to make sure they don't.

As someone with professional qualifications and lots of working experience in this area, I was just giving an honest opinion. Well you need a lot more experience and qualifications in order to remove your honest judgemental opinion and learn to be more professional.

Children thrive when they are warm, safe, cared for. Regardless of who is giving that care. They do not forget their parent and they rarely are more attached to a carer than the parent.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

A dad can be the primary caregiver.

You’re more than welcome to think it’s a bullshit concept. The child development world doesn’t.

Yes.... a dad can be the primary caregiver but only if the mum isn't. That's why "primary" is problematic and unhelpful. A child can have many caregivers.

Personally I would advocate an equal parenting approach

I do think very young children thrive better if they have adequate amount of time at home with their primary caregivers. Full time nursery means a very short evening and only two days at a weekend. There won’t be much family time. Nursery itself isn’t the problem, for me it’s the balance of time, what can happen is that the Nursery becomes the primary caregiver because of the amount of time the child spends there. You don’t mention dad? It shouldn’t all be on you. Is there any way between you that baby could have a bit more time at home.

What a load of tosh. I've been a childcare for over 40yrs and NEVER has a child forgotten who it's parent is, nor wanted me more than a parent. And what's more, on the rare occasion that it does happen a child is becoming overly attached to you, it's your job to make sure they don't.

As someone with professional qualifications and lots of working experience in this area, I was just giving an honest opinion.

Well you need a lot more experience and qualifications in order to remove your honest judgemental opinion and learn to be more professional.

Children thrive when they are warm, safe, cared for. Regardless of who is giving that care. They do not forget their parent and they rarely are more attached to a carer than the parent.

Children thrive when they are warm, safe, cared for. Regardless of who is giving that care. They do not forget their parent and they rarely are more attached to a carer than the parent.

THIS

*Yes.... a dad can be the primary caregiver but only if the mum isn't. That's why "primary" is problematic and unhelpful. A child can have many caregivers.

Personally I would advocate an equal parenting approach biscuit*

The concept of a primary care giver isn’t about what a parent wants or thinks is best, it’s what scientist almost exclusively believe to be best for small children.

Of course the more love a child has the better. That doesn’t detract from their need for a primary caregiver though.

It’s not me who needs that embarrassing biscuit.

Millions of women feel the same😂

The penis in my relationship went to university and gained two masters degrees.

I wasn't afforded such luxury. Hence he earns loads and I look after our child, which by the way, is the best job in the world.

Op, enjoy your few days of rest. After the year we've all had - enjoy.

Right, I'll offer my perspective as someone who put her 2 children in ft nursery from 8 months and has no family close by. It was tough at times and very expensive, but mine emerged content, sociable and well mannered.

I must warn you, you will very likely have some stressful weeks/ months ahead as your baby settles in and I found there was a time with both when there was a lot of illnesses. No regrets though. They were stimulated with activities I would not have thought to do and peers I couldn't have provided. They all settled in very easily at school when the time came. Nursery also beat child minders for us as we didn't have to plan our annual leave around their choices. Good luck!

That's total nonsense @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Scientists do not advocate one parent having more responsibility than another. It's entirely your choice if that's what you have chosen to do and that's what you think is best for your child.

I don't know why you keep wanting to make it personal by calling me embarrassing, etc. We're all just trying to do the best we can for our families.

Anyway, I'm off to collect my emotionally abandoned child from their Victorian workhouse

@SiblingStruggle

That's total nonsense *@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken*

Scientists do not advocate one parent having more responsibility than another. It's entirely your choice if that's what you have chosen to do and that's what you think is best for your child.

I don't know why you keep wanting to make it personal by calling me embarrassing, etc. We're all just trying to do the best we can for our families.

Anyway, I'm off to collect my emotionally abandoned child from their Victorian workhouse

You do that

Take your comparisons of secondary school children and their need for primary caregivers
The website link you sent me about primary carers in elderly care
And your poor understanding of primary caregiver with you

Oh and that stupid biscuit

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken Ok thanks. You've really shown your colours

children thrive when they are warm safe cared for hmmm children manage when they receive those basics yes. Thriving is a different thing altogether.
Some children thrive in nursery full time from babyhood, some (actually lots), definitely don’t. Some really struggle with being away from home and their parents for 40 -50 hours a week. I’m amazed some people struggle with that concept. But I guess it’s a case of believing what suits.

Anyway it’s pointless me saying anymore. I’ve told the truth as I see it. It’s an unwelcome truth for a lot of people, I do get that. I’ve definitely raised my head above the parapet but I don’t regret it if it gets people thinking.

[quote Checkingout811]@TheKeatingFive families with only one working parent can also provide those things.[/quote]
Yep!

@SiblingStruggle

Children thrive when they are warm, safe, cared for. Regardless of who is giving that care. They do not forget their parent and they rarely are more attached to a carer than the parent.

THIS

So parents are no one special then. Just another person

I had 3 wonderful hours without my 11 year old who was at a party, I shopped and chilled in the park in the sun. Bliss. With a touch of boredom of having no one to talk too!

So parents are no one special then. Just another person

Of course parents are special - that's the reason the children don't get more attached to a carer than the parent. Surely that's obvious?

I've looked after a child for the past 10yrs. In the early days full time and, since 5, after school each day. I love him and am pretty sure he loves me, my own two sons adore him and he them. But his face lights up when he sees his mum, he's happy and excited to see her and, if you gave him the choice of staying at mine or going home, I would always lose. Exactly as it should be. He's not any less connected to his parent because she's a full time single parent who needs childcare.

*she's a full time single parent - that should have said full time working

Good for you. You sound as if you have a good career and good balance

The baby will be well cared for and will he well balanced!

I also don't understand why so many people are talking about the attachment issues they perceive will arise should the child go to nursery at 10 months, by this age attachment should already be established to their primary caregiver and they would be in the fourth stage of multiple attachments. Yes separation anxiety is rife but it's a normal developmental stage, not something that is wrong with your child as a result of being sent to nursery