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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

225 replies

EnjoyingTheSunshine · 01/06/2021 09:25

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:06

Hmm, what if we started saying that mothers who don’t work are ‘financially abandoning’ their children. How would that go down? 🤔

spacedandtimed · 01/06/2021 16:06

@TheKeatingFive

Hmm, what if we started saying that mothers who don’t work are ‘financially abandoning’ their children. How would that go down? 🤔
Doesn't really work though does it?
TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:07

Doesn't really work though does it?

If you think ‘emotionally abandoning’ is valid, then this certainly is too.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:09

@TheKeatingFive the SAHM I know have extremely high earning husbands, multiple holidays abroad, some are at private school.
Definitely not financially abandoned children. A lot of them are much better off then some children whose parents both have to work full time to make ends meet or afford 1 holiday or days out.

spacedandtimed · 01/06/2021 16:10

@TheKeatingFive

Doesn't really work though does it?

If you think ‘emotionally abandoning’ is valid, then this certainly is too.

Not if the household has enough money for everyone. Don't be so silly
spacedandtimed · 01/06/2021 16:11

[quote Checkingout811]@TheKeatingFive the SAHM I know have extremely high earning husbands, multiple holidays abroad, some are at private school.
Definitely not financially abandoned children. A lot of them are much better off then some children whose parents both have to work full time to make ends meet or afford 1 holiday or days out.[/quote]
Yeah exactly

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:11

the SAHM I know have extremely high earning husbands, multiple holidays abroad, some are at private school.
Definitely not financially abandoned children.

All SAHMs are like this? Gosh I didn’t realise.

Anyway why is it only the job of the one with the penis to provide this? What kind of message does that send? 😲

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 16:12

SiblingStruggle

Of course you are! And it is absolutely laughable.
A Primary caregiver is a very important in terms of development in babies/ toddlers and their need to form an attachment.
Secondary school children don’t have this need and therefore don’t have a “primary care giver”

I know you’re feeling stung by some comments but this is a ridiculous line of comparison.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:13

I didn’t say anywhere in my post it was the mans job. Nor did I say all SAHMs.
I think you’ve misread. I just said what my experience is.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:13

Not if the household has enough money for everyone. Don't be so silly

What’s ‘enough money’ though?

A mother working can be finding private education, uni, deposits on first houses, plus ensuring that the household is as financially stable as it’s possible to be. All benefits.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:14

@TheKeatingFive families with only one working parent can also provide those things.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:14

I didn’t say anywhere in my post it was the mans job

A woman who leaves all the providing to her husband must understand the message this is sending to her own children.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:15

families with only one working parent can also provide those things.

Two incomes tend to be better. Plus the message about who’s job it is to provide.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:16

I’m obviously being deliberately provocative.

The point is, this can be spun either way.

SiblingStruggle · 01/06/2021 16:16

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

SiblingStruggle

Of course you are! And it is absolutely laughable.
A Primary caregiver is a very important in terms of development in babies/ toddlers and their need to form an attachment.
Secondary school children don’t have this need and therefore don’t have a “primary care giver”

I know you’re feeling stung by some comments but this is a ridiculous line of comparison.

I just think it's total nonsense to equate time spent with who is a "primary caregiver". Personally I think the concept of primary caregiver is total crap - doesn't exactly pave the way to equal parenting between mother and father.

But if you believe in the concept then a child of any age has a primary caregiver: www.seniorlink.com/blog/what-is-a-primary-caregiver#:~:text=A%20primary%20caregiver%20is%20someone,requires%20assistance%20with%20daily%20activities.

toconclude · 01/06/2021 16:19

[quote kitkatsky]@MissyB1 I think your comments are hurtful and upsetting. Plenty of people don't have a choice about full time childcare.

OP when you read her comments don't worry, your son knows who his primary caregivers are. Enjoy a bit of peace and good luck with your new job [/quote]
They are also rubbish. I know lots of kids who have been full time at nursery since very small and they are all fine. The difficult ones I know were parented full time by unhappy mothers.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:19

@TheKeatingFive I don’t think that’s true. My mum was a SAHM until my sister and I went to full time school. Both went to university. Sister is a vet. I don’t work; we have numerous properties that provide a very good income.
My mother went to further study when we went to school and has a fantastic job high up in the council. Her mother also didn’t work but her family owned lots of property.
I’m not sure what message you thought the women in my family sent?
We’ve all had uni paid for, large deposits, first cars etc certainly haven’t witnessed any detrimental affects or messages.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:21

My mum was a SAHM ... I don’t work

Interesting. Do you have daughters?

Tumbleweed101 · 01/06/2021 16:21

After the last year you were probably desperate for the break and that is no reflection on you as a mother. I remember the first weekend away my partner and I had after having children and it was bliss - we had limited child care from family too the rest of the year.

As for full time childcare, the pro and con of that will manifest in time for you as a family but a loving, well run nursery will give you child a good start.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:21

@TheKeatingFive I do get that. But I really don’t believe having a SAHM has a detrimental effect on any daughters she may have.
Just as I don’t believe full time nursery provides any detrimental affect.
My nephew is in full time nursery. He’s a bright, happy and sociable little boy. My DS goes 1 day a week. Also bright happy and sociable. There’s no right or wrong.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:22

certainly haven’t witnessed any detrimental affects or messages.

And you’ll also find the majority of families not noticing any detrimental effects from full time nursery, is the point.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 16:22

A dad can be the primary caregiver.

You’re more than welcome to think it’s a bullshit concept. The child development world doesn’t.

TheKeatingFive · 01/06/2021 16:23

Just as I don’t believe full time nursery provides any detrimental affect.

Then we are cool. Like I say, I’m being deliberately provocative. This can be spun whatever way.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 16:24

@TheKeatingFive you deliberately
missed the rest of that sentence. Nice one.
Yes I have a daughter. She’s in private school & knows I worked until my eldest son was born with a life limiting disability as I pointed out up thread and a short life expectancy.
He would’ve still had this if my mum had put me in nursery 5 days a week :/

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 16:24

[quote Checkingout811]@TheKeatingFive I don’t think that’s true. My mum was a SAHM until my sister and I went to full time school. Both went to university. Sister is a vet. I don’t work; we have numerous properties that provide a very good income.
My mother went to further study when we went to school and has a fantastic job high up in the council. Her mother also didn’t work but her family owned lots of property.
I’m not sure what message you thought the women in my family sent?
We’ve all had uni paid for, large deposits, first cars etc certainly haven’t witnessed any detrimental affects or messages.[/quote]
You were obviously taught choice!