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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

225 replies

EnjoyingTheSunshine · 01/06/2021 09:25

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
EnjoyingTheSunshine · 01/06/2021 10:17

@Moriarosesbebe

Thank you. Yes, it's good sometimes to have time to yourself, especially when you had a hard year with a traumatic birth and a long recovery.

OP posts:
Kitkatchunkyplease · 01/06/2021 10:17

@Needanedittbuton

It doesn't make you a bad mother but full time nursery isn't ideal for a baby or toddler. Not trying to make anyone feel crap but this is a discussion forum.

Can you or your partner not get some flexibility in your jobs so DS isn't in nursery all day every day?

It's ideal for my child because then I can pay the mortgage!
TheOrigRights · 01/06/2021 10:19

DS1 was in full time nursery from 12 weeks old.
DS2 was in part time from 8 months and then full time later on.

Yes, I did feel bad when I used nursery when I wasn't working and I never did reconcile those feelings.

Because I was working full time I had barely any child free time to do anything; I don't mean leisure activities, but any sort of admin (house, car, health stuff) or just a 1/2 day to go Christmas shopping alone. But if I did take the odd day I felt bad because they were already in nursery so much.

I remember taking an extra day's leave after a holiday just so I could sort everything out (it was a walking, caravan holiday so lots of grubby stuff). I got it all done, but there was no pleasure in that day.

I do believe young children do better with their primary care giver or a childminder, but that's what I've learnt with maturity. Also the nursery was on site and so I could continue to breastfeed much longer than I would otherwise have been able to.

MissyB1 · 01/06/2021 10:19

@EnjoyingTheSunshine

We have no flexibility - my partner can't go part-time and neither can I
Ok that’s what I was asking because it wasn’t apparent from your first post.

Maybe that will change at some point. At the moment it seems you have no choice but full time childcare. If the nursery doesn’t work out do consider a good well recommended child minder.

MumInBrussels · 01/06/2021 10:20

@EnjoyingTheSunshine

We have no flexibility - my partner can't go part-time and neither can I
Please don't feel the need to justify your job, OP! If it helps you feel better about the decision (which you shouldn't feel bad about, but some of the comments here have been less than helpful), many kids here go to nursery from about 4 months, and almost all from about 6 months, because maternity leave is short here. Belgium may have its quirks, but the whole country isn't full of damaged adults with attachment issues!
DeadButDelicious · 01/06/2021 10:27

You aren't a bad mother at all. You have to work so you need someone to care for your child, enjoying this week before you start work with some time to yourself if perfectly fine.

I'm a SAHM and my DD goes to a maintained nursery for 3 hours in the morning during term time. I love my 3 hours to myself. It let me gets things done without a constant running commentary Grin. She's off at the moment for the school holidays and whilst its been lovely having her here and not having to rush about in the morning I am definitely looking forward to Monday now.

Most parents make choices with the best interests of their children in mind, you aren't terrible at all.

Reachforthestars00 · 01/06/2021 10:29

I work FT, so does my husband, and we have no nearby family. Our children attended nursery FT, and they are very happy and healthy (at school now). Occasionally, we would take a day off work, and send the children to nursery, and the time out was bliss. Parenting comes with so much guilt, try to not feel guilty for wanting a little me time.

Checkingout811 · 01/06/2021 10:29

That’s what I meant; your child would still be in some form of full time childcare so you don’t need to justify not having family to help.
Nothing at all wrong with it. Lots of children go to nursery or a childminder full time, my nephew being one of them and he loves it. I don’t think you need to feel bad for that.

Amdone123 · 01/06/2021 10:29

You're not a bad mother. You sound like a great mum to me.
You enjoy this week off. If there are any problems, they will contact you. He will be having fun and will be looked after well.
Now, relax ! And no guilt !

Daisy829 · 01/06/2021 10:33

I think it’s a great idea to have a week to yourself, relax, get yourself sorted. Also settling him into nursery before you start at work is ideal as if there’s any probs you can be on hand. It’s important when you have children to take time for yourself too. If you aren’t happy, they won’t be happy. Enjoy your week off and good luck when you go back to work.

PrtScn · 01/06/2021 10:45

My two favourite parts of the day are when my son goes to nursery and when my son goes to bed Grin.
Don’t feel bad, children are hard work. It was hard for me to begin with as I felt a bit upset leaving him at nursery as he was upset to begin with, and so little. Now he’s 2 and loves it. He has his little routine in the morning, and if he thinks his dad (who takes him to nursery), is leaving the house without him, he has a total meltdown. As soon as they get to nursery he doesn’t give his dad a second thought and runs to play with the other children.
I think it’s important that pre school children, especially if they are only children (i.e have no siblings) get to interact and play with lots of different children rather than just staying at home with a parent.

PollyDarton1 · 01/06/2021 10:46

You don't sound like a bad mother at all. Unfortunately most of us cannot afford to be SAHP or have family nearby to cover childcare. And a lot of jobs aren't a flexible as people think.

My DS is 4.5 now and does mainly full time, I and my DH work full time and we have brilliant weekends. He had me between the ages of 1.5-3.5 all to himself. I was lucky enough to jump straight back into my career and I know I can provide better for my son if both me and DH are working.

Enjoy the free time and don't feel guilt Thanks

Triffid1 · 01/06/2021 10:48

Enjoy this week off. You sound like you need it and going back to work, while juggling nursery drop off etc will be hectic so the rest and chill period for a week before is going to be great!

LeafBeetle · 01/06/2021 10:49

There is nothing wrong with you OP Flowers

shivawn · 01/06/2021 10:50

Good for you OP, keep doing whats best for you and your family and don't worry about anyone else's negative opinions!

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/06/2021 10:53

@EnjoyingTheSunshine

We have no flexibility - my partner can't go part-time and neither can I
Don’t ever feel like you have to justify your job. Even if you could have flexibility doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for your family. And in answer to your actual question no it’s not wrong to be enjoying time by yourself whilst your child is in nursery. I think sometimes we forget that mums are more than mums - you are a person as well.
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/06/2021 10:54

Meant to also say enjoy your day. Child free days can be rare and should be enjoyed

SparklieBub · 01/06/2021 10:56

Hi @EnjoyingTheSunshine, please don’t feel bad! You’ve had a tough year and it sounds like you could really use a few days to rest and get ready for work!

My DD was in full time daycare 8.30-5.00 from 8 months, too. It was really hard - I missed her and I know she struggled despite the creche being very good and having a dedicated key worker focused on my daughter... but like for you, it was necessary. It got easier just before she hit 12 months.

A lot of kids here (also abroad) are in daycare from 4 months as maternity leave is short and I can second @MumInBrussels - the country isn’t full of unadjusted adults!

Also - fwiw in my experience at our daycare, the children who come in 1-2 times a week seem to struggle the most. The daycare workers told me that it’s because those kids don’t get into a clear routine (eg they’re too young to know that they go in on Mondays and Thursdays) and sometimes they don’t bond as tightly with the other children in the group as the “full timers” are aware that these kids are not always there. So full time can actually be beneficial in some ways!

Enjoy your special week and the bonding with your baby in the evenings 💜

Etsylicious · 01/06/2021 10:59

It’s sometimes a necessity but it’s not the ideal for babies to spend the majority of their waking hours in nursery.

Yanbu to feel relaxed or free - you feel how you feel. Good luck with the new job.

FunMcCool · 01/06/2021 11:00

@MissyB1 what helpful comments to a first time mum looking for reassurance. You’re a real gem.

Bibidy · 01/06/2021 11:01

Don't feel bad OP, I feel like a lot of people would be relived to have some time off from baby-care, even if they don't admit it. I bet dad isn't worrying that he's not feeling sad enough!

Bibidy · 01/06/2021 11:03

Also I disagree about nursery becoming the child's primary carer! That's like saying school is every child over 4's primary carer.

Nats1984 · 01/06/2021 11:05

You aren’t a bad parent to relish a break. I’ve always done it. I worked 3 days , children always did 4 days at nursery so I could keep on top of the housework and have a few hours to do something I liked. By 3 doing 5 full days while I only worked a few hours from home sometimes ,Very confident well socialised kids . I love them but I don’t wanna be with them 24/7 and I’m not sociable so meeting other mums and having to deal with their kids was absolutely off the cards. We’ve never done it , so if my kids want a social life and to do the sorts of things kids like then they are doing it at nursery . Of course we do zoos , theme parks, beaches etc at weekends together and have an absolute ball because I actually enjoy the time. I cried most days prior to starting nursery just hated wandering the streets with a pram or being stuck in the house and not being able to work.

MissyB1 · 01/06/2021 11:06

[quote FunMcCool]@MissyB1 what helpful comments to a first time mum looking for reassurance. You’re a real gem.[/quote]
OP asked a question. I answered honestly. She didn’t say “only reply saying I’m amazing”. I didn’t give her a hard time, I just pointed out some realities. I think I was very polite.
People can get very defensive on this topic.

lavenderandwisteria · 01/06/2021 11:07

In fairness though, AIBU invites opinions. I do sort of agree with missy and I am going to work full time in a couple of months.