to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

[EnjoyingTheSunshine]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

Oh gosh, I can't believe the amount of negative comments on this thread.

To answer OP's original question: you are definitely not unreasonable. Enjoy this week while baby settles in, and mentally prepare yourself for your new job. You're not abnormal or strange for enjoying some time away from the baby, especially after the intense time during the pandemic with zero support. Put your feet up and enjoy a cuppa in the sun!

For everyone commenting about the suitability of full-time childcare.... F* OFF! There are only two people who have any right to decide what is best for their child, and that's the parents. My 9 month old is in full time childcare - it's the best thing for them, it's the best thing for me, and it's the best thing for my DH.

Good luck for the new job OP x

@MissyB1 thank you for the input.

I tried to put my 10mo with a childminder - super upset. Nanny - less upset but still not ideal (but was calm 1-on-1 and slept). Started nursery at 16m and was upset for a week, then better but he is in only 4 half days. I agree with all you said. It is overwhelming, and there is research to prove kids prior to 3yo do not play with other kids, they parallel-play. Not bad but not necessary, while the bonding time with parent/primary carer is crucial for the brain development and behaviour.

What is most striking to me, is the vague approach the nurseries have to sleep. They say "he was not tired" (he comes home and sleeps for 2,5 hours then). I see so many posts about tantrums and similar and I secretly wonder how much less this would be if people knew what tired looks like.

I now have 2nd which I thought will be nursery ft at 6m when I must go back to work and I really struggle and am trying to come up with a plan how not to do this.

So yes I know many (almost all) parents have to use childcare and we do tell ourselves it is for the best, but very few realise that the kind of emotional damage that happens is not something your average person can see or judge (hence all the comments that say the country is not full of unadjusted people - just read MN threads to see exactly how many men and woman are among us that cannot cope, cannot adult, cannot parent and then rethink the statement about country full of well-adjusted adults please).

just read MN threads to see exactly how many men and woman are among us that cannot cope, cannot adult, cannot parent and then rethink the statement about country full of well-adjusted adults please).

And how’s that any different from any other era, where childcare wasn’t widely used?

YANBU.

However, no matter what you do someone will say you’re in the wrong. If you stayed at home, another thread in the AIBU would tell you that you’ve put yourself in a vulnerable position as you are financially dependent.

Different families need different things. Children whose mothers work full time tend to do better in their careers long term. Women’s lives should not be reduced to children children children from the second they go into labour. Your needs matter too, though the world will try to tell you they don’t.

As for the “child mistaking the nursery staff for their primary care providers”, that is the biggest piece of shit I’ve read to date on this topic.

[quote ZooKeeper19]@MissyB1 thank you for the input.

I tried to put my 10mo with a childminder - super upset. Nanny - less upset but still not ideal (but was calm 1-on-1 and slept). Started nursery at 16m and was upset for a week, then better but he is in only 4 half days. I agree with all you said. It is overwhelming, and there is research to prove kids prior to 3yo do not play with other kids, they parallel-play. Not bad but not necessary, while the bonding time with parent/primary carer is crucial for the brain development and behaviour.

What is most striking to me, is the vague approach the nurseries have to sleep. They say "he was not tired" (he comes home and sleeps for 2,5 hours then). I see so many posts about tantrums and similar and I secretly wonder how much less this would be if people knew what tired looks like.

I now have 2nd which I thought will be nursery ft at 6m when I must go back to work and I really struggle and am trying to come up with a plan how not to do this.

So yes I know many (almost all) parents have to use childcare and we do tell ourselves it is for the best, but very few realise that the kind of emotional damage that happens is not something your average person can see or judge (hence all the comments that say the country is not full of unadjusted people - just read MN threads to see exactly how many men and woman are among us that cannot cope, cannot adult, cannot parent and then rethink the statement about country full of well-adjusted adults please).[/quote]
I'm sorry @ZooKeeper19 that you feel that way about everyone around you. How sad! I'd also love to know how you worked out that every DH that is complained about on here was not brought up by a SAHM.... it doesn't sound very scientific to me!

You seem to have a very rose-tinted view of how a child will grow up if only raised by their parents. It's a falsehood. What matters is for there to be a stable and loving home environment - and that can happen whether a child is at nursery or not. If a child is at home full time but the environment is not stable, they will not be a "well adjusted" adult, as you put it.

How a child reacts to nursery or a nanny is totally dependent on the child and their personality. My DC, born in the pandemic with no exposure to anyone outside of parents for months on end, went into nursery for the first time with no problem. No tears, no nothing. I didn't do anything to prepare DC for that - it's just their personality. So if your child reacted badly to nursery, that's just a personality trait. As they got used to the environment, they then liked it.

You're trying to make the OP feel guilty for something that she has no need to feel guilt for. She's doing what's right for her family and that is the end of the story.

@MissyB1 You couldn’t be more wrong, being outside is beneficial for babies, as long as they are suitably dressed there is no problem. There are plenty of peer reviewed studies that clearly demonstrate the benefits of being outside for young children - increased vitamin D absorption, long term increase in cognitive development, improved mental health, higher academic success... the benefits are endless.

We don’t care one little bit about being trendy. Our daughter is significantly happier when she’s outside. We feed her organic food because it’s better for her and the environment, our family have farmed organically for the past 30 years. Maybe you should do some research.

[quote ZooKeeper19]@MissyB1 thank you for the input.

I tried to put my 10mo with a childminder - super upset. Nanny - less upset but still not ideal (but was calm 1-on-1 and slept). Started nursery at 16m and was upset for a week, then better but he is in only 4 half days. I agree with all you said. It is overwhelming, and there is research to prove kids prior to 3yo do not play with other kids, they parallel-play. Not bad but not necessary, while the bonding time with parent/primary carer is crucial for the brain development and behaviour.

What is most striking to me, is the vague approach the nurseries have to sleep. They say "he was not tired" (he comes home and sleeps for 2,5 hours then). I see so many posts about tantrums and similar and I secretly wonder how much less this would be if people knew what tired looks like.

I now have 2nd which I thought will be nursery ft at 6m when I must go back to work and I really struggle and am trying to come up with a plan how not to do this.

So yes I know many (almost all) parents have to use childcare and we do tell ourselves it is for the best, but very few realise that the kind of emotional damage that happens is not something your average person can see or judge (hence all the comments that say the country is not full of unadjusted people - just read MN threads to see exactly how many men and woman are among us that cannot cope, cannot adult, cannot parent and then rethink the statement about country full of well-adjusted adults please).[/quote]
@ZooKeeper19

But all babies are different. My baby will be starting nursery at 6 months old and that is best for her. Three days at nursery and 2 days with grandparents. Its not because I WANT her to, it's because I NEED her to so I can work and pay the bills

So yes I know many (almost all) parents have to use childcare and we do tell ourselves it is for the best, but very few realise that the kind of emotional damage that happens is not something your average person can see or judge...

Bollocks. Are you this critical of all the fathers who barely see their kids because they don't get home until after they're asleep? Or is it just mums? It must be tiring being so self righteous.

In the dim and distant past babies were cared for in groups by the mums of the village. It does DC good to be together - helps them to thrive. I think your emphasis on one to one care with no other DC around tends to isolate kids - and mothers.

I went to a christening with my DC when they were little and mine were the only one of maybe a dozen who happily shared their toys. All sorts of tantrums from DC who'd been brought up as the sole focus of attention.

@SiblingStruggle great that your kids adjusted well to the nursery, that is so much easier on everyone, and yes the stress is much less.

I should have said, I agree with you, that I was talking about harmonious happy families (and I do agree that childcare is better for even babies that do not have this at home).

How a child reacts is personality too, but noisy and adventurous nursery (which most are) are overstimulating for most babies (at 10 months). Several nursery workers on this post stated that kids under 2,5/3 are better off with primary carers and not in nursery full time. Full. Time. That is the key. A 10mo baby being in nursery 8-6 is not ideal. It may be needed, it may be the only option, it may be anything but let's not kid ourselves. It is not ideal.

As for the “child mistaking the nursery staff for their primary care providers”, that is the biggest piece of shit I’ve read to date on this topic.

So if a child is awake for 84 hours a week, and is at nursery for 50 of those hours a week - who actually is the primary caregiver?

Genuinely interested to know what people think.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy so a child that grows up at home cannot share his toys? Hm. And you base this on one experience? Hm.

Dads/mums who do not see their babies due to work - it IS sad. I work in the City. I know tens of parents that have not been there to see, do, enjoy, They are sad, they struggle, they miss bedtimes, firsts, they miss their kids.

I am not critical of anyone's parenting. I am stating that even nursery workers say this - nursery is not ideal for babies under certain age.

I was blessed by covid, we both with my DH have had such an amazing time at home WFH with a baby (having the means to have him with a nanny and now in a nursery). We are extremely lucky though and I appreciate others may find this stressful, hard, and so on.

What I am saying is, that a 10mo baby thrives more with his mum, dad, than in the nursery.

@spacedandtimed

As for the “child mistaking the nursery staff for their primary care providers”, that is the biggest piece of shit I’ve read to date on this topic.

So if a child is awake for 84 hours a week, and is at nursery for 50 of those hours a week - who actually is the primary caregiver?

Genuinely interested to know what people think.

You're being deliberately obtuse here.

Yes, in full time nursery the day to day needs of the child are met by the nursery staff. What you have quoted referred to the child MISTAKING nursery staff for their primary care giver (eg parent). And that...is utter horse shit.

@ZooKeeper19 sorry but why do you get to say what is or is not ideal for someone else's child? My DC has been at nursery full time since 8 months. It is ideal for them, for me and for DH. I don't need to justify to you why it's ideal but in case you're interested:

It's ideal for us because: we need to work, for financial reasons yes but also for mental health reasons (I would go crazy if not working), for career reasons, etc.

There is no alternative that would allow us to work. I wouldn't have family look after DC - they too are working, are mainly based abroad, and to be honest I don't think they would do as good a job as a trained professional.

The nursery is extremely close to home, very well respected, clean and friendly.

It's ideal for DC because: they have been so restricted during the pandemic. This is the only time they get to see a face other than mine or DH's without a mask. They have NEVER seen another face close up. Yes, they would get that benefit with part-time nursery too but it's a huge benefit to have and I would like to expose them to as many faces as possible. While at nursery they are: fed well (it's all organic, home-cooked food, etc.), they can play with toys that I don't have, there are activities available that I can't offer, there are other children to play with or alongside.

In the morning, the evening and at weekends, we are able to devote all of our time and attention to DC. There are no distractions of laundry, chores, etc. Our sole focus is them.

If DC were home some of the time, there would be: financial strain, a frazzled mum, increased tension between me and DH trying to juggle everything, fewer activities, no children to play with, a distracted mum trying to keep all the plates spinning.

Now which one sounds more ideal....?

I'm not saying that full time nursery is right for everybody. It's totally dependent on the child and the parents. But to say it is not ideal for everyone is incorrect.

A 10mo baby being in nursery 8-6 is not ideal.

But who’s achieving ‘ideal’? We could always be providing for, feeding, educating, example setting, nurturing our children better.

In the knowledge that ‘ideal’ is just that, we move on and do our best in the circs. A stay at home parent isn’t ‘ideal’ for many reasons either.

@MissyB1

It’s the first day. Of course it feels like a holiday and a big relief from the daily grind of motherhood. However full time work and baby in nursery isn’t going to be a picnic for either of you. I work in a nursery, he will be well cared for I’m sure, how happy he will be is unpredictable. I do think very young children thrive better if they have adequate amount of time at home with their primary caregivers. Full time nursery means a very short evening and only two days at a weekend. There won’t be much family time. Nursery itself isn’t the problem, for me it’s the balance of time, what can happen is that the Nursery becomes the primary caregiver because of the amount of time the child spends there. You don’t mention dad? It shouldn’t all be on you. Is there any way between you that baby could have a bit more time at home?

Sorry not trying to make you feel crap, just being honest.

DD is in nursery four days a week and has been since she was 11 months old and there is absolutely no confusion on her part about who her primary carer is! What a strange comment to make, her child is not going to suddenly think her key worker is actually her primary carer. Personally I think that nursery has done DD the world of good. She was so distraught for the first few weeks when I dropped her off and nursery were amazing at settling her and keeping me in the loop about how she was and now, she is such a social butterfly! Lockdown had given her such separation anxiety and nursery has done wonders to socialise her and give her experiences I just couldn't do at home because of groups closing down etc.

A lot of us don't have a choice but to use childcare and I think it's very irresponsible to imply that it will confuse the child about who their primary carer is - do you think they just forget the preceding 10 / 12 months of bonding?

I used full time nursery for my children from 6 months each time as I thought I had no choice. Looking back I could have made changes and used it less. It wasn't the right setting for reserved children all day, every day, and I noticed the outcome in lots of little ways. I'd change my job if I had the time over again.

[quote luckylavender]@Checkingout811 - your choice of course but how would your children manage if you had to leave them? You see, it works both ways. [/quote]
@luckylavender yes completely my choice but I’m sure they’d be fine. My eldest DS is severely disabled so wouldn’t realise.
My DS2 in in nursery 1 day a week and seems to enjoy it, no separation problems etc is fine when I take DS1 to therapies and hospital regularly

@spacedandtimed

As for the “child mistaking the nursery staff for their primary care providers”, that is the biggest piece of shit I’ve read to date on this topic.

So if a child is awake for 84 hours a week, and is at nursery for 50 of those hours a week - who actually is the primary caregiver?

Genuinely interested to know what people think.

DH and I are the primary caregivers, obviously. You're just trying to be provocative.

DC is at nursery 45-50 hours a week. They sleep for 2-3 hours a day, so there is a total "awake" time of about 35 hours.

I think we spend around 40 hours a week with DC awake, at home. It wouldn't matter if the balance were split differently though - we will always be the primary caregiver.

If you think otherwise, imagine a senior school child. They are at school for 45 hours a week, doing clubs etc for ... 10 hours? Seeing friends (i.e. escaping parents) for ...15 hours? Hiding in their bedroom playing on their Xbox for 100 hours?! How much time are they spending with their parents?? Who is the primary caregiver?

Hello @SiblingStruggle - yes it is ideal for you, and your DH. I said parents have to do this, and a child needs to be fed and somewhere to live. I also said I am not judging parenting for anyone.

A child, a baby, at 10m, is better off with parents or primary carers rather than at a nursery full time.

If you had a choice, what would you do? Would you put a 10mo baby into a nursery full time 5 days a week, or would you not, and if not, why not?

If I had to do it, I would do it and that is it. Would I know it is not ideal? Yes. Would I still do it? Yes. Needs must.

The nursery may be the super best organic whatever money can buy and I would not change what I am saying - that emotionally abandoning your baby is hard on you (stress, anxiety) and on the baby (same). They will absolutely adjust, you will adjust, and they will eventually all stop crying. But at what cost? Again. I understand we need to do this to survive. I am however saying it is not ideal, if I did not have to do this, I would not. I would opt for part-time option, where I get a break, kids get some social time and I get to see them grow up.

JEALOUS OF YOU.

Enjoy your week in peace!! I'm pretty certain you deserve it.

A baby/ toddler under one/ two even three has completely different needs to a secondary school age child.
How ridiculous to compare them

Enjoy 💐

If you think otherwise, imagine a senior school child. They are at school for 45 hours a week, doing clubs etc for ... 10 hours? Seeing friends (i.e. escaping parents) for ...15 hours? Hiding in their bedroom playing on their Xbox for 100 hours?! How much time are they spending with their parents?? Who is the primary caregiver?

Most ridiculous comment on this whole thread 🏆

@ZooKeeper19

Hello *@SiblingStruggle* - yes it is ideal for you, and your DH. I said parents have to do this, and a child needs to be fed and somewhere to live. I also said I am not judging parenting for anyone.

A child, a baby, at 10m, is better off with parents or primary carers rather than at a nursery full time.

If you had a choice, what would you do? Would you put a 10mo baby into a nursery full time 5 days a week, or would you not, and if not, why not?

If I had to do it, I would do it and that is it. Would I know it is not ideal? Yes. Would I still do it? Yes. Needs must.

The nursery may be the super best organic whatever money can buy and I would not change what I am saying - that emotionally abandoning your baby is hard on you (stress, anxiety) and on the baby (same). They will absolutely adjust, you will adjust, and they will eventually all stop crying. But at what cost? Again. I understand we need to do this to survive. I am however saying it is not ideal, if I did not have to do this, I would not. I would opt for part-time option, where I get a break, kids get some social time and I get to see them grow up.

Emotionally abandoning!?! Are you for real? You say you aren't judging and then you come out with that....

Nursery, full time is best for my child, for me, and for our family. END OF STORY. If I had a choice, I would send them to nursery, full time. If you don't like that, suck it up and take your judgmental claptrap somewhere else.

I have not emotionally abandoned my child.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

A baby/ toddler under one/ two even three has completely different needs to a secondary school age child. How ridiculous to compare them

I'm not comparing their needs. That would obviously be absolutely batshit.

I'm saying that if you're measuring whether someone is a primary caregiver (which by the way I think is a bullshit thing to do) in time spent with the child, it just doesn't work!