to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

[EnjoyingTheSunshine]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

@MissyB1 Out of genuine interest, what is it that makes you feel that way? Do you notice a lot of differences in babies that spend more time at home?

YANBU mine started at 10 months too. She’s 17 months now and absolutely loves nursery. She’s running to the car ready to go there faster than I am sometimes 😂

I’m not cut out for stay at home parenting, I take my hat off to those who are though.

Can I just say I actually disagree with the idea full-time nursery isn't ideal?

I used to think, ok well, ideally I'd be home till she was maybe two and then she'll start getting something out of childcare, but I'd lose my job in the meantime so we just suck it up. Then the pandemic happened when she was 15 months old and she had a chunk of time home with me and her dad.

It was crippling for us, but we arranged it so it was ideal for her: we split the work day in two, spent one hour together as a family, and did that six days a week, including work in evenings. So there was no shoving her in front of a tv, and she did love it. But... she also clearly missed other children. When we were able to bring her back, around 18 months, she was delighted.

At the moment, we're working from home so she's literally in there 9 to 5. I was actually working 4 days a week and chose to up my hours because so often there were 'parties' on Friday, or events she wanted to go to, and with restrictions we couldn't really do anything on Friday except go to the park.

At one, she was awake 7am to 8pm, and had two naps a day. Of her 70 hours a week she spent awake, full time creche meant 27 of them were spent away from us. And she genuinely enjoys it.

I think possibly an 'ideal' might be two parents working four days a week. But I genuinely feel no guilt because the pandemic gave us a chance to try it both ways, and I realised she is thriving in there. I think good childcare provision is key, it was hard to get into ours, and it is expensive, but she is happy. And some children just aren't ready. But: I co-slept, I breastfed till she was 2, she is literally as secure as a child can be, and she is very happy. And I refuse to feel guilty about the fact that I would be a much worse mother if I had her all the time.

@MissyB1 But you didn't answer her question? Her AIBU was about whether it was ok to not feel guilty and enjoy a bit of time to herself?

She didn't ask opinions on how her daughter will cope. She didn't ask whether she should put her in nursery full time.

A polite response would have been to comment on her AIBU and not ask her to justify her decisions.

People get defensive as Mumsnet is full of judgment about mums who have to put their children into full time care to work.

@Bibidy

Also I disagree about nursery becoming the child's primary carer! That's like saying school is every child over 4's primary carer.

A 4 year old is not the same as a 12 month old! Stupid comparison.

Plus a school day is far shorter than a day at nursery.

@MissyB1

Seems like a bit of a shitty way to talk to someone considering without us you have no income.

[quote Bibidy]@MissyB1 Out of genuine interest, what is it that makes you feel that way? Do you notice a lot of differences in babies that spend more time at home?[/quote]
I'm interested too.

There have been a few nursery professionals on threads like these saying full time nursery at a very young age isn't ideal

My eldest went to nursery full time (7.30-6) from being 9 months due to me working. When he was 3 and I went on maternity leave, I was still entitled to my full amount of childcare vouchers for free due to a loophole in the scheme at the time and I really struggled with whether to keep him in or take him out.

In the end I kept him in. He loved it - he was really social, enjoyed the arts and crafts and had loads of opportunities that he wouldn't have had at home with me, either due to my own limitations or just because of the difference in care. He's never once "suffered" from being in nursery at all and it's not affected our relationship.

And yes, the days when I was at home and childfree - I loved it too. It's not like we get much time for that at all so why not embrace it? My kids are rarely cared for by family members (once or twice a year at most) so I took what time I could get. Now they're both at school I don't even get that with working

[quote MyMabel]@MissyB1

Seems like a bit of a shitty way to talk to someone considering without us you have no income.[/quote]
Far shittier IMO!

OP, please don’t feel guilty. You need some time to yourself too. That saying about not being able to pour from an empty has gas a lot of truth in it.

Would anyone judge a Dad for the same? I doubt it.

People can be very unkind on this topic. Ignore them. It always comes from a place of insecurity.

@spacedandtimed aye well take what you can give and all that.

I just think it’s downright cruel to make a new mother feel inadequate for doing what’s best for her family.. and I am right, without parents putting their children into nursery, as a nursery worker.. she doesn’t get bloody paid 😂 she’d soon be having a moan on if everyone kept they’re kids home full time instead. Hopefully she would retrain in something where she’ll be more supportive of her main clients.

I have an 11 month old who does nursery two days a week. My husband works away most of the year so those two days allow me time to work and sort the house. I mentally feel much better for a little break, we don’t have close family so it falls on me all the time.

People on mumsnet will tell you that you are a dreadful mother for letting your child go to nursery in one breathe but also tell you that being a SAHM is the worst thing that could happen to you in another.

Their kids*
Grammar not too on point today it seems!

mabel my son will go into full time nursery at eight and a half months and I still think that comment was horrible.

Someone is allowed an opinion regardless of their line of work!

I just think it’s downright cruel to make a new mother feel inadequate for doing what’s best for her family

Yup. Nasty.

People on mumsnet will tell you that you are a dreadful mother for letting your child go to nursery in one breathe but also tell you that being a SAHM is the worst thing that could happen to you in another.

This is absolutely true too.

OP, you can’t win as a mother. Best not to worry about it.

I had a week where DS was at nursery before I returned to work and it was bliss. He had a great time, having some time to myself was amazing, and I felt guilty for not feeling bad about it. Now I've realised that there's so many things we are told we should feel bad about, letting go of those really helps. We are all individuals after all, it's not like when we become parents we all morph into one blob and develop a hive mind.

For those asking why I say full time nursery isn’t ideal for very young children, there’s lots of research out there that points to better developmental and wellbeing outcomes for babies and young toddlers who spend more time with the primary caregiver than in child care. It’s not saying childcare is wrong or harmful, it’s saying that particular age group thrives better if the majority of time is not in childcare. Therefore part time is not so much of a problem.
Those referencing school age children are missing the point. The research wasn’t based on that age group.

I didn’t say anything “shitty” because I was careful how I worded things, but I was honest. But as usual in these threads honesty isn’t always appreciated.

www.theguardian.com/society/2005/sep/19/childrensservices.earlyyearseducation

I remember reading this and it really upset me.

@CaraherEIL there are much more recent studies than 2005...

This is 2017 I think
www.familyandchildcaretrust.org/long-term-study-following-4500-children-links-childcare-better-outcomes
'The researchers saw beneficial outcomes for children associated with higher amounts of childcare for both advantaged and disadvantaged children. This suggests that regardless of a child’s household income, childcare benefits their development.'

There is also the more recent 2018 Impact Study on Early Education Use and Child Outcomes commissioned by the Government.

@MissyB1 Genuinely interested in reading the lots of research you refer to as a cursory google only bring up recent ones such as above which, although have a MINORITY that may see higher aggression from more than 35 hours nursery, I can't find anything that has negative outcomes for the child

YANBU!

DS only spent two hours away from us in his entire first year, due to the pandemic and us not having any family nearby. It was hard, so hard. I used to look at friends who had parents or siblings close by who'd take the baby for the night from a few months old or who had regular weekly date nights with their partners and wonder what that would be like. Ultimately as adults we chose to have a child with no family support and I 100% believe the responsibility lies with us to care for him, but that doesn't mean it didn't take a toll being unable to have any time for ourselves for an entire year.

Not to mention that it's been a year of isolation, with the majority of us unable to go and have a break or a chat at a baby group or meet other parents!

When DS started nursery at 13m it was glorious, I enjoyed every minute of solitude, I enjoyed knowing that he was finally able to socialise and mix with and have fun with other kids, bond with other adults and have a whole new experience. And the joy I felt and still feel at the end of the day when I pick him up is like nothing else. I can hardly stop myself from squealing with excitement when I see his little head come around the corner at pickup time. It's incredible.

Of course YANBU. You're a parent, and you're a person too. And we all need a break. It's all well and good for people to dictate that too much or too little nursery or time at home is a bad thing, but you're doing what you need to do for your family's financial wellbeing. It's not much use baby being at home more often with their mum or dad if the heating isn't on or there isn't enough food in the fridge.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad. There is sooo much mummy martyr stuff going around (never daddy martyr funnily enough), people making out like they're a better parent because they haven't spent a moment away from their child in however long, competitiveness about how little sleep they got last night, blah blah blah. Self care is important and it's normal to enjoy a breather away from your child.

@MissyB1

For those asking why I say full time nursery isn’t ideal for very young children, there’s lots of research out there that points to better developmental and wellbeing outcomes for babies and young toddlers who spend more time with the primary caregiver than in child care. It’s not saying childcare is wrong or harmful, it’s saying that particular age group thrives better if the majority of time is not in childcare. Therefore part time is not so much of a problem. Those referencing school age children are missing the point. The research wasn’t based on that age group.

I didn’t say anything “shitty” because I was careful how I worded things, but I was honest. But as usual in these threads honesty isn’t always appreciated.

I wonder if this is also the case when being cared for by grandparents?

Just thinking, as I would imagine that most pre-school children spend significant time away from their parents, even if not in a nursery. I think I only know of 2 children who are actually full-time with their own parent rather than some form of other childcare.

@CaraherEIL

www.theguardian.com/society/2005/sep/19/childrensservices.earlyyearseducation

I remember reading this and it really upset me.

I just read this.

I can't say it upset me, I kinda had a 'no shit?' response to it if I'm honest. Of course their stress levels are going to be higher in a busy unfamiliar environment compared to being at home.

The idea that the stress remains higher months down the line doesn't surprise me either, they're unlikely to ever feel as comfortable at nursery as home. Nursery is a busy environment with lots of people around, you're just not going to let your guard down and be as calm and relaxed in that environment as you are at home with your close family.

It seems the same to me as comparing an adult's stress level at home on weekend to their stress level at work in a busy office or shop floor during the week.

Maybe I'm unusual in this not bothering me. DS cried when he was being handed over when he started nursery (and we weren't allowed to go in with him to settle him even once) but settled quickly and was fine, I would have been very surprised if he had been totally blasé about it though and as relaxed as if he were at home. Why would he be, when he's apart from his parents and with lots of other people in a noisy active environment?

I bet if you measured the stress levels of a toddler at soft play you'd find the same thing!

Remember when you look at research that I said age matters. I’m talking about under 2s in full time nursery care. I think it’s different if grandparents or another family member is providing care, also childminders can usually give a more personal touch for this very young age group.

Vance I have read those too much more positive but focused on development. The earlier one bothered me much more because it was focused on stress, it made me worry than even if they seem as if they are coping their bodies are actually showing how stressed they actually are, even months and months later. You can’t win as a mum sometimes!