to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

[EnjoyingTheSunshine]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

I just laugh when I hear about a parent talking about their one year old loving full time nursery.Like they are actually old enough to express how they feel.

My depression lifted massively when both dc went to nursery and I went back to work.

Children don't need to be in the sole care of their mother the whole time, especially when the mother is struggling mentally with being sole carer.

Don't feel guilty for how you feel. No-one judges men for going back to work and they don't feel guilty for doing so so why should women?

But this is all COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE OP

They don’t care. Having seen an opportunity to shitstir, they’ve grabbed it with both hands.

Lovely

Yeah but you cut your cloth don't you.

Many households have 2 people in professional roles and big mortgages and bills in line with that, so they can't afford to lose one wage but can afford to pay £800 or whatever nursery costs.

You need you time and there is nothing wrong in what you're doing! I love it when my son is out for the day in childminder/his grandparents and I have a day to do what I like.. usually cleaning but I can get it done. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, fact! Your child will do well to mix with other children.
Just enjoy, guilt free :)

[quote VanceRefridgeration]@CaraherEIL there are much more recent studies than 2005...

This is 2017 I think
www.familyandchildcaretrust.org/long-term-study-following-4500-children-links-childcare-better-outcomes
'The researchers saw beneficial outcomes for children associated with higher amounts of childcare for both advantaged and disadvantaged children. This suggests that regardless of a child’s household income, childcare benefits their development.'

There is also the more recent 2018 Impact Study on Early Education Use and Child Outcomes commissioned by the Government.

@MissyB1 Genuinely interested in reading the lots of research you refer to as a cursory google only bring up recent ones such as above which, although have a MINORITY that may see higher aggression from more than 35 hours nursery, I can't find anything that has negative outcomes for the child[/quote]
That study is from the age of 2!

[quote Ilovegreentomatoes]@MissyB1 I work in a nursery as well and agree with what you say. I think unless you work in one you don't really see the day to day reality of children being in nursery.
It is full on and quite a hectic environment for a child, often understaffed and children get little one to one attention because quite simply we don't have the staff.
I think full time nursery is to much for a child under 3.They enjoy the experience much more from 3+.[/quote]
Funny how parents ignore these types of posts from people who actually work in nurseries

The baby doesn’t need to be there full time all week this week though, this is a weeks holiday for the OP. Which Is great and really well deserved but this week is not work related.

I gave birth to my daughter in the USA. Over there you stay in hospital for a couple of nights regardless of the type of birth you had and you get a room to yourself with round the clock care for you and your baby. I could leave the baby with the nurses in the nursery for a few hours if I needed to and I very much did. Did I feel guilty about it? Not for one second. She was with professional people who adore babies and I was getting much needed rest. I would go and spy on her and she would be lying there very content surrounded by other babies. I don't think it's normal for a child to just be with one person all the time- community is good for us. Don't feel guilty. You do you and the time you do spend with your little one will be so precious and you'll have energy for them when they need you. As they get older, most of the time they're playing independently anyway and just need someone to check in with from time to time.

I'm not sure the USA, or the UK are beacons of mental health

I agree with @MissyB1and others. Full time nursery is not ideal for under 2s and probably not for under 3s either. Under 2s do not love nursery. They may be "fine" but that's about the best you can say.
It's not cruel to say that. It's just true. In an ideal world under 2s would socialise at toddler groups with mum or dad present, and aged 2 they would go to a nursery to be left just for a morning or afternoon.
It's not an ideal world though, many people have to send young babies to nursery. I don't think feeling guilty is helpful, but it's worth considering whether things can be rejigged to avoid full time nursery if at all possible. There is also huge variation in nursery standards - some places are much better than others.

In response to the op - definitely don't feel guilty for having the day to yourself! Enjoy the peace while it lasts.

Good for you tbh. If you can afford it and it means you can catch up on things and have some distance for a little while, then why not? Honestly people just need to do what works for them.

@Welikebeingcosy

I gave birth to my daughter in the USA. Over there you stay in hospital for a couple of nights regardless of the type of birth you had and you get a room to yourself with round the clock care for you and your baby. I could leave the baby with the nurses in the nursery for a few hours if I needed to and I very much did. Did I feel guilty about it? Not for one second. She was with professional people who adore babies and I was getting much needed rest. I would go and spy on her and she would be lying there very content surrounded by other babies. I don't think it's normal for a child to just be with one person all the time- community is good for us. Don't feel guilty. You do you and the time you do spend with your little one will be so precious and you'll have energy for them when they need you. As they get older, most of the time they're playing independently anyway and just need someone to check in with from time to time.

There isn't much I can say positively about the USA and their approach to health and parenting, but this is one thing they absolutely get right imo. In the UK it's frightening what happens to you postnatally. You're often left completely alone with the baby and a buzzer, trying to recover from strong pain medications or major surgery, out of your mind with absolute exhaustion, having to care for a newborn. I remember having to sit up awake holding DS because he wouldn't settle in the cot for hours on end, terrified I was going to fall asleep holding him, in so much pain I couldn't think straight, thinking that it was a recipe for disaster. I could so easily have nodded off and crushed or dropped him.

I'm sure some parents prefer to keep their babies with them 24/7 after birth and that's fine too if they feel physically and mentally well enough and rested, but to have the option there would do the world of good I think for your recovery after labour.

@spacedandtimed

I'm not sure the USA, or the UK are beacons of mental health

True.

@spacedandtimed I mostly ignore anonymous posts online because we don’t send our daughter to a crap nursery. Nobody is denying there are crap nurseries and crap childcare workers. Our nursery has a 2:1 ratio of babies to workers and no ‘baby room’. Babies nap in silver cross prams whilst being pushed around the acres of land they have or in the very coldest weather inside the yurt with a log burner on. They are cooked organic food and consistently rated outstanding. They spend all day outside playing in all but the very worst weather. Not all nurseries are equal so these anonymous workers might work in rubbish places and do a dreadful job but it isn’t the same across the board.

The research about very small increase in aggression shows that the effect has worn off by the time children get to ks2. Research also shows that children from low income households benefit substantially whatever age they are sent.

The OP isn’t asking about this though and I hope she’s having a great time relaxing in this nice weather.

YANBU OP. I'm a SAHM, and my ds was in preschool 5 hours a day, 5 days a week since he was 2yo. I loved it. Gave him different people to interact with and gave me some time to myself.

My mother was a SAHM for my sister and me, until we were 10 and 7. When she was widowed she had to work fulltime at an exhausting career (social worker) , so my brother was in day nursery 5 daya a week 8 am to 6pm from age 6 weeks. Nice nursery; he liked it. At home, he wished we all wore uniforms like the staff.

He did not get the individual childhood attention my sister and I did and it marked him for life. I'd describe him as " superficially sociable in crowds; unable to sustain one to one attachments". Fun chap down the pub; inattentive son, unfaithful husband, inattentive dad.

I can't speak for the whole of the USA, but where I lived was very very mental health conscious and family friendly. Regular pediatrician check ups, free childcare for anyone on a low income, lots of friendly families, easy to make supportive friends who are willing to help out, easy to access mental health services. But that could also be because of the weather making it easier to get outdoors and form communities and people generally being happier and more energetic.

@Welikebeingcosy

I gave birth to my daughter in the USA. Over there you stay in hospital for a couple of nights regardless of the type of birth you had and you get a room to yourself with round the clock care for you and your baby. I could leave the baby with the nurses in the nursery for a few hours if I needed to and I very much did. Did I feel guilty about it? Not for one second. She was with professional people who adore babies and I was getting much needed rest. I would go and spy on her and she would be lying there very content surrounded by other babies. I don't think it's normal for a child to just be with one person all the time- community is good for us. Don't feel guilty. You do you and the time you do spend with your little one will be so precious and you'll have energy for them when they need you. As they get older, most of the time they're playing independently anyway and just need someone to check in with from time to time.

Irrelevent to OP's situation.

I gave birth in the UK (NHS maternity hospitals) back when standard was for new mothers to "lie in" (hospital) for 10 days after the birth. By day the babies were in cots beside us, staff available to help; at night they went to night nursery. Bottle fed babies were fed all night by staff. Breast fed, were brought to their mothers in the night, fed, then the nurse took them away for a nappy change and I went back to sleep for four hours. Bliss. Also lots of enjoyable mutual support between the mothers. I am sad for modern UK mothers (and babies) who don't get that great start . But it has absolutely nothing to do with mothers going back to work.

I’ve gone back to work in a school three days a week.

My baby could not have been more wanted or harder to come by.

He is still very very full on. And we cosleep, which means I get literally no evening, or free time to myself at all outside of work.

He’s in nursery three days from tomorrow while I’m off and I could NOT be more excited. I have about a million days of chores, jobs, work and just BEING to fit into those three blissful days.

He also loves nursery and loves his key workers.

Sometimes we all just need a break.

@2bazookas it's an example of not feeling guilty for having someone else caring for your baby, using the first few days of life, as the example of a time where they were even more vulnerable than they are at nursery age.

@21Flora because some childcare workers come on here to tell the truth we must be awful workers? Let's just say most of us do it because we love the children we certainly don't do it for the money and career prospects. And btw a nursery that sends kids out to play in all weathers sounds bloody awful would you want to be playing outside in the freezing cold and rain?

FFS.

OP asked if she’s BU to feel happy that her baby is in full time nursery. Of course the replies pointing out that it’s not the ideal situation for the baby are relevant.

You can feel happy/relieved/relaxed that your baby is in full time nursery. That’s fine. But of course it’s relevant to point out that if it’s not a necessity, it would be worth thinking about options to minimise being away from home/parents.

People are so defensive. Why get so wound up about people pointing out the issues with full time nursery for very young babies? Be issue you know deep down that it’s not ideal, and it’s not the best thing for them as an individual. It’s the best thing for finances/family balance/career progression overall, but not for the INDIVIDUAL baby.

A lot of people have to make sacrifices that involve their children being stuck in nursery full time. If you have to, you have to. But you can’t get defensive when people point out that it’s not ideal.

@VanceRefridgeration

But this is all COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE OP

👏🏻 she 👏🏻 did 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 ask 👏🏻 opinions 👏🏻 on 👏🏻 full time 👏🏻 nursery 👏🏻

OP, hope you've got your feet up and are subbing yourself or reading a book and taking some much deserved time out

100%. Once more and louder for those in the back.

This thread isn't a nursery v childminder v primary carer debate. Cop on to yourselves. Hope you are proud of your attempts to guilt parents into how they choose to care for their children. You have no idea the family structures, financial status or mental health of the people you are judging for sending their child to childcare. Childish behaviour

@Derbee

FFS.

OP asked if she’s BU to feel happy that her baby is in full time nursery. Of course the replies pointing out that it’s not the ideal situation for the baby are relevant.

You can feel happy/relieved/relaxed that your baby is in full time nursery. That’s fine. But of course it’s relevant to point out that if it’s not a necessity, it would be worth thinking about options to minimise being away from home/parents.

People are so defensive. Why get so wound up about people pointing out the issues with full time nursery for very young babies? Be issue you know deep down that it’s not ideal, and it’s not the best thing for them as an individual. It’s the best thing for finances/family balance/career progression overall, but not for the INDIVIDUAL baby.

A lot of people have to make sacrifices that involve their children being stuck in nursery full time. If you have to, you have to. But you can’t get defensive when people point out that it’s not ideal.

This