to enjoy my baby being in nursery full time?

[EnjoyingTheSunshine]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 10 month old baby and he started nursery full time today. We don't have family closeby and I'm starting a new job next week Monday.

Me and my partner dropped him off this morning. He was crying and I felt guilty for ten minutes or so.

Now I'm at home and I'm feeling so massively relaxed, being able to do the laundry in peace, enjoying the good weather and having almost an entire week to myself before I start work next week.

It almost feels like bliss and a new beginning, but I can't help but think that this makes me a bad mother? To enjoy him being away?

I love him very, very much and he's my everything.

I had a very difficult birth last year with a 2.1 litre blood loss and maternity leave has been difficult, having to look after a baby full time with no family support while simultaneously nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally after my traumatic birth.

AIBU to feel so happy and does that make me a bad mother? Is there something wrong with me?

@MissyB1 I work in a nursery as well and agree with what you say. I think unless you work in one you don't really see the day to day reality of children being in nursery.
It is full on and quite a hectic environment for a child, often understaffed and children get little one to one attention because quite simply we don't have the staff.
I think full time nursery is to much for a child under 3.They enjoy the experience much more from 3+.

Fine to enjoy some peace. But nursery ft for kids under three isn't good for them. The evidence is weighted towards a main caregiver, preferably mum or dad, with input from other loved ones where necessary. Ofc you adore your wee one, I wouldn't doubt it, but don't lie to yourself that nursery is as good as having you or granny or loved one care for them. It's fine, but it's not great.

[quote Ilovegreentomatoes]@MissyB1 I work in a nursery as well and agree with what you say. I think unless you work in one you don't really see the day to day reality of children being in nursery.
It is full on and quite a hectic environment for a child, often understaffed and children get little one to one attention because quite simply we don't have the staff.
I think full time nursery is to much for a child under 3.They enjoy the experience much more from 3+.[/quote]
Exactly, I honestly think people don’t have a clue how exhausting and at times very over stimulating a nursery environment can be for babies and very young toddlers. A few hours a week could be a very positive experience, but 8-6 five days a week is too much at that age.
But it’s a very emotive topic, and it’s hard for parents to think of their children being anything less than totally happy and thriving in childcare. I do understand that. I just think if there’s anyway of making it less than full time then that’s worth exploring.

@MissyB1 personally I found your comments interesting and reassuring as I have decided not to go back to my job to stay at home with my 11 month old until he's 3. Then he will go into part time nursery and I will pursue my PhD.
I also wanted to add I don't think missyb has been rude at all but merely stated some facts from her personal experience. People getting offended by this need to ask themselves why.

My auntie put her children into full time nursery when they were 11 weeks and 16 weeks old. She had to, she was the main earner. And yet she now tells me it's something she regrets.

But back to the op, I do not think at all
that you're a bad mother for enjoying some free time. Having a lockdown baby with zero family nearby is so difficult and it's been the same for me. I dream about having a free day 🤣 it could very well be that you are loving today but after a few weeks you'll start to feel differently and miss your little one a bit more but for now, enjoy your day.

@nethunsreject

Fine to enjoy some peace. But nursery ft for kids under three isn't good for them. The evidence is weighted towards a main caregiver, preferably mum or dad, with input from other loved ones where necessary. Ofc you adore your wee one, I wouldn't doubt it, but don't lie to yourself that nursery is as good as having you or granny or loved one care for them. It's fine, but it's not great.

'Granny'

Come on now.

There are plenty of families where nursery is a far superior option for childcare than any of the available relatives would be.

People are doing the best they can for their children within their personal circumstances. But it's patronising nonsense to claim universally that nursery isn't as good as 'granny or loved one'. And a bit suspect that you'd frame someone saying so as lying to themselves.

Sure, every case is different but stats are there. Nursery ft for a baby isn't good for them.

Again, the OPs question was not about putting her DD in full time childcare. She asked if she should feel guilty for enjoying some time for herself.

And yet several posters have ignored this and instead asked her to justify the FT nursery decision.

She has come back (despite not needing to) and confirmed this isn't a choice but necessity.

So what are she and her partner supposed to do? What are the suggestions from those who are criticising the decision despite it not being relevant to her OP?

Honestly, the mum guilt on this site is unreal. Fair enough if the OP had asked what she should do about childcare and was it a bad idea to put her DD in nursery FT but that simply wasn't what she asked.

Yeah there’s some twats on this thread. OP did not ask for your opinions on using a nursery.

Yanbu but be aware you might enjoy it less as the week goes on/when you return to work. It's one thing not to mind when they've only been at nursery a few hours, you might find at the end of the week you miss having them around all the time a bit more! Or you might not, horses for courses. But be prepared either way. I was fine the first day but by the second week I missed mine more. Now I've been back at work a few months after second mat leave and by the end of the day I'm desperate to go and collect them, i really miss them!

Sure, every case is different but stats are there. Nursery ft for a baby isn't good for them.

Mum/dad having no money for a roof over baby's head and food on the table isn't good either. Most people have no choice but to work full time to earn enough to support a family.

@nethunsreject

You are very naïve and myopic.

I feel there are always options it boils down to what kind of lifestyle you want to lead.
Big mortgage or high outgoings you will need both incomes but if your willing to cut back part time for one parent is a possible option.

@EnjoyingTheSunshine - this is the first day to get to sit down, take some time for yourself. Why would you feel bad? You were a person in your own right, before you were a mother and that person needs some time too. It is important to nurture yourself as well as your child.
In parenting I think the "own oxygen mask first" approach is important.

And basically after paying out for full time nursery unless your on fantastic money I can't really see how you are gaining much money wise.Of course ppl worry about their career but keeping your hand in even part time would probably allow to go full time when the children are school age.

@MissyB1

Do you gives Dads shit about using nursery as well or is just women you'd like to see tied to the kitchen sink? I'm disgusted by the fact you work in childcare- not least because children are exposed to your misogynistic views.

I can't say it upset me, I kinda had a 'no shit?' response to it if I'm honest. Of course their stress levels are going to be higher in a busy unfamiliar environment compared to being at home.

The idea that the stress remains higher months down the line doesn't surprise me either, they're unlikely to ever feel as comfortable at nursery as home. Nursery is a busy environment with lots of people around, you're just not going to let your guard down and be as calm and relaxed in that environment as you are at home with your close family.

It seems the same to me as comparing an adult's stress level at home on weekend to their stress level at work in a busy office or shop floor during the week.

@ChangePart1 I completely agree with what you've said here - I would have thought most people appreciate that loads of time in nursery isn't ideal for very young children but equally don't have much choice about it, and it's the best option available.

Any nursery/childcare environment isn't going to be as relaxed and stress-free as being at home, one-on-one with your own parent/grandparent, but there are good sides too in terms of different activities and socialising with other children.

I think that it's just a necessary part of life for many children nowadays and there isn't really a way around it when families generally need 2 incomes to keep a roof over their heads.

@WaterBottle123 what a load of crap she's hardly going round telling the children mummy should be at home is she?

@kitkatsky the reality is though, if baby is in nursery 50 hours a week and 2 full days at home, the nursery ARE primary caregivers, in terms of who baby is with while they are awake.
That’s just an emotionless fact.

I know some people feel they have no choice, but it’s not in the best interest of a baby to be in daycare full time. It’s longer hours than most people are at work.

but keeping your hand in even part time would probably allow to go full time when the children are school age.

Part time isn’t an option in many businesses, plus it can be a significant stall on your career.

Money wise, it’s not just about what’s happening right now, but the impact on future pay rises/pension contributions.

@WaterBottle123 have you read my posts correctly? From very early in the thread I said to Op this shouldn't all be on her. I asked if her partner could help out with childcare I specifically asked that question because it should be a shared decision, shared responsibility.

In fairness, not many children are in nursery 50 hours a week. Most people are able to stagger hours for drop off/pick up to minimise this.

@MissyB1 I agree with you 100%.

I worked in nurseries for a few years and they are a bit of a dog-eat-dog environment for the kids. Noisy and stressful with no real down-time. And that’s the good ones!

On these threads, the nursery staff telling the frank and honest truth always get attacked.

Surely that attack can’t be coming from a place of defensive guilt?

Lol, being able to afford nursery fees would take up more than I earn working ft. The idea parents using nurseries are both working ft to make ends meet is nonsense. Nursery fees, ft, are way beyond the means of those of us on low wages. This is such a middle class problem.

But this is all COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE OP

👏🏻 she 👏🏻 did 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 ask 👏🏻 opinions 👏🏻 on 👏🏻 full time 👏🏻 nursery 👏🏻

OP, hope you've got your feet up and are subbing yourself or reading a book and taking some much deserved time out

[quote ChangePart1]@nethunsreject

You are very naïve and myopic.[/quote]
Ha ha! Managed to raise four kids, care for two grand kids, worked my whole life, but yeah, sure.
I tend to rely on data though, so that's irrelevant, as are any of our views tbh. Just look at the evidence. It's pretty clear.