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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
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Totallyrandomname · 30/05/2021 22:53

I personally would go with the bunk bed idea and have them share when your ss visits. They could have their own storage (presumably ss wouldn’t keep too much there).

If he’s mentioned not coming I wouldn’t want to take the room away from him. Regardless of intention it might feel like a rejection to him.

If there were full siblings they’d be sharing wouldn’t they.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 22:53

but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room

The poor kid!

Yes, I think YABU about that when you could easily set up bunk beds. A two year old doesn't mind moving out of their room every now and again.

RickiTarr · 30/05/2021 22:57

Let them share.

Lolwhat · 30/05/2021 22:59

Let them share. I never had a room at my dads house and it was horrible being shoved on the sofa every weekend

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 22:59

OP, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your OH's relationship with his son is as precious to him as his relationship with your/his daughter.

You are treating his son as a second class citizen in the family.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/05/2021 23:00

I think the bunk beds is a good compromise or 2 single beds if the room is big enough. I'd let him choose some new bedding and keep his things in there, whilst decorating the room fairly neutral, so it is shared but they both don't sleep in it at the same time.

I think at 8 there is a chance he would feel pushed out if his room is completely taken off him but a 2 year old wouldn't be put out at moving out of the room for the night when he does come over.

NoSquirrels · 30/05/2021 23:01

I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

YANBU to want to give DD her own room.

YABVVU to suggest your stepson sleeps on a blow-up bed in the living room. Very unreasonable.

Your partners suggestion of making it a shared room is the only thing you can do if you cannot move or extend to get an extra room.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/05/2021 23:03

@Sezsmee
We had exactly the same scenario with exactly the same aged children.

We did what your DP wants ... in fact he had a hign sleeper bed and the cot and toddler bed fitted underneath.

It worked well- no regrets

Your DSS needs to feel included and that it is his home too - no matter how little time he is there.

This sort of stuff seriously messes children up. Dont be that person.

SnarkyBag · 30/05/2021 23:03

Why would she need to move out if there are bunk beds? Just get bunk beds and let them share. An 8 year old probably won’t be very happy sleeping alone downstairs

tunnocksreturns2019 · 30/05/2021 23:04

Surely bunk bed idea is best? One-two nights every fortnight with your DD sleeping in with you is surely manageable, especially compared with every night now?

anappleadaykeeps · 30/05/2021 23:04

They should share the room - give the older child the top bunk, and accessorise it a bit - try and get some sort of book case or bedside table up there, plus a reading light.

Older child also needs some hanging space or drawer for clothing, but the majority of storage will realistically be for younger child, who is always there.

If it doesn't work sharing over night for the two nights a fortnight he stays over, then bring the younger child (who benefits generally from not having to change actual house/home each fortnight) into a camp bed in parents' room.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:05

Referring to your DD as (the child who lives there) is really unfair. Your OH's DS lives there, when he is staying. No wonder he doesn't want to visit!

Or is that what you actually want Hmm

30littletoes · 30/05/2021 23:05

Bunkbeds and they share OP. You absolutely cannot expect your stepson to sleep on a blow up bed. He belongs in the family too!

Veryverycalmnow · 30/05/2021 23:06

Bunk beds are great for friends staying over as well as making SS feel like a real part of the family. Let him feel happy

TotorosCatBus · 30/05/2021 23:06

Yanbu to think that dd should sleep in the other bedroom

But since both are young enough not to be phased by sharing I would put a bunk bed in and have them share for now.

jeffsar4 · 30/05/2021 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gazelda · 30/05/2021 23:09

I expect that your DH doesn't want his DS to feel as though he's a visitor every time he comes over. Meh wants the boy to feel as though he is at home. A blow up bed puts him firmly in the inconvenient visitor category.
Please try to accommodate the child by having bunk beds. I bet your own DC will be thrilled to be sharing with a big brother.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:10

TBH, OP, the family doesn't sound very "blended"... you seem to resent your OH's son. Maybe he is picking up on that? You even say he "claims" to not to want to come over - are you accusing an 11 year old of lying, or being manipulative?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 23:11

If he slept in the living room where would you go once he’s down for the night?

It’s a bad idea anyway. He needs a proper permanent bed, in a bedroom.

How have you gone till now without discussing this? She’s two, you were pregnant for 9 months, hopefully you talked about all of this stuff before you decided to have a child together unless you’ve moved into a smaller place since then.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:11

Sorry, eight year old! The poor little tyke. Give him an actual bed.

UhtredRagnarson · 30/05/2021 23:11

Bunk beds. DD in bottom one. DSS in top one. Sorted.

YellowPurple · 30/05/2021 23:12

Is the room big enough to split down the middle?
His stuff and her stuff?
If not, Can you change rooms, So they have the bigger room?

It will become an issue when he is older. Say 16 and shes 10. As they will both need their space

YellowPurple · 30/05/2021 23:14

When his older, things will change, he will need space
Maybe you and partner sleep in the front room when his there and let him have your room?

Faranth · 30/05/2021 23:14

Get bunk beds.

To make it feel less 'shared' could you do something like this? Even with curtains?

That way DD wouldn't need to come in with you when DSS is there, but he would very much have his own space.

One spare room, blended family
Hwory · 30/05/2021 23:16

Your attitude towards your stepson is shameful.

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