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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/05/2021 08:04

DSS probably doesn't want to visit more because of your attitude towards him.

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2021 08:05

but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room.

Er, why? Why can't they share like so many families have to?

Whyhello · 31/05/2021 08:05

Bunk beds, your DH is right. The child who is hardly there is his child so of equal importance to him. If you can’t accept this, it’s time to leave the relationship.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 08:05

@LottieRigger an 8 year old boy and a 2 year old girl who don't live each other the majority of the time and who don't share the shame parentage? Of course they need separate spaces.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 08:06

*same

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 08:07

I don't think the blow-up bed is the main issue, though it's not ideal.

You can't have a little boy sleeping downstairs on his own in a strange house.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:08

Rights and wrongs of whether or not OP should have had her child are irrelevant.

In the same way it's not the step son's fault, it's not her fault either and there shouldn't be a room sat empty for the vast majority of the time whilst she sleeps in her parents room for the next however long.

She lives in the house all of the time, she deserves her own room.

I don't think it's a problem that the step son shares that room when he stays once every two weeks, that's definitely better than a bed in the living room, but she shouldn't be made to leave it or not have one at all.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:09

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger an 8 year old boy and a 2 year old girl who don't live each other the majority of the time and who don't share the shame parentage? Of course they need separate spaces.[/quote]
It's one night every fortnight for goodness sake and only until OP can afford to move I imagine. Hardly that terrible.

3Britnee · 31/05/2021 08:10

Why does the 2yo need to move out when he comes? Just put bunk beds in there and let them share.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:10

Rights and wrongs of whether or not OP should have had her child are irrelevant. I agree with you there and it's unhelpful. Both children are here and equal as people.

But I don't think they can share for long. Too much risk of abuse.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 08:10

@LottieRigger they need to move, it's relevant because it can still be corrected. And they need to make sure they don't have any more children, and take responsibility for the ones they have.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:11

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger an 8 year old boy and a 2 year old girl who don't live each other the majority of the time and who don't share the shame parentage? Of course they need separate spaces.[/quote]
Exactly, it might be ok for a year or so but it has the potential to blow the family apart

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:13

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger they need to move, it's relevant because it can still be corrected. And they need to make sure they don't have any more children, and take responsibility for the ones they have.[/quote]
Oh he's you're right. Stupid OP, how simple... She just needs to move. Duh! There you go OP it's sorted, just move house.

It's not like some people can't afford to just up and move straight away, never mind the fact we've just had a terrible year for job loss/financial hardships etc ... Just move OP!

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:14

Did you miss the bit where she said she can't afford to move right now?

user7836 · 31/05/2021 08:15

@LottieRigger and that's why people should think these things through before having additional children. You don't have a right to have another child just because you've got a shiny new relationship, you ensure you can provide for ALL children before doing it. They didn't, a 2 bed house is not big enough for their situation.

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 08:16

Not relevant to the bed issue, but if the boy doesn't want to stay for overnights at his dad's house, maybe he has his reasons and he's getting to the age that he should be listened to.

Bimblybomeyelash · 31/05/2021 08:16

I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. ‘someone’? That’s cold. This is your child’s brother! It’s absolutely not ok to have him sleeping on the living room floor.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:17

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger and that's why people should think these things through before having additional children. You don't have a right to have another child just because you've got a shiny new relationship, you ensure you can provide for ALL children before doing it. They didn't, a 2 bed house is not big enough for their situation.[/quote]
okay... But the child is already here and is just as important as his son. So what's your actual helpful suggestion?

Guavafish · 31/05/2021 08:18

I think get bunk beds .. let the siblings share a room. It’s only for a short time.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:19

She can't hop in a time machine and not have her daughter so what's the relevance of banging on about what she should/shouldn't have done.

The daughter is here. She is a child and equally none of this is her fault. She deserves a bedroom in her own home regardless as to what you think of her parents decision to have her.

Confusedandshaken · 31/05/2021 08:19

It would be awful to expect him to stay on a blowup bed in the front room, as if he was a casual visitor whilst his little sister has his old room.

Your DD will be fine sleeping in with you and your DH for a couple,of might a fortnight while her brother sleeps in his own bed. I can see that when she is older it might be a problem and you will need a bigger place but you have a couple of years until then.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 08:20

@LottieRigger don't have any more children, and channel this energy into moving house. Sacrifice what is needed to prioritise moving as soon as possible. In the meantime suck it up and share with the 2 year old because she is not old enough for it to be an issue for her yet. It doesn't matter that it's "problematic" for the parents, they should be the ones baring the problem.

Pottedpalm · 31/05/2021 08:20

@Voomster953

Wow, the vitriol on here...

I suspect even if the OP had suggested giving her own bedroom to the stepson and that she sleep in a kitchen cupboard, she’d have been called wicked for daring to conceive a second child of her own while they already had SS and only a two-bed house.

Always the same with this type of thread. The stepmother is usually vilified. If the DSS only stays one night a month it makes sense for the Dd to have the room; bunk beds would work for now. When they are older the Dd should have the room, in my opinion.
oystercatcher44 · 31/05/2021 08:21

A 2 year old does not care where they sleep. Children love sharing with their parents at that age. They do not complain about it until they are at least 8 - so you have time on your hands.

Once your DD starts to complain about vacating her room for 36 hours a fortnight, you and your DH will have to get a sofabed in the living room. You can either vacate your room each time you need the third sleeping space or do so on a permanent basis so that both of your children have somewhere of their own to sleep.

Alternatively, you need to move to a three bedroom property.

SueSaid · 31/05/2021 08:22

@IgglePiggleHater

Not relevant to the bed issue, but if the boy doesn't want to stay for overnights at his dad's house, maybe he has his reasons and he's getting to the age that he should be listened to.
He is 8. A relationship with his df is so important. He perhaps doesn't want to stay over as he can sense the inconvenience coming from the op.

Non resident dc need to feel they are a priority, not a guest to be put up somewhere.

The op and his df needs to make him feel welcome. I don't know any 8yr old boys that would want to share a room with a toddler, unless they put a partition up or something. The op and her df need to either give up their bed when he stays or swap bedrooms so they are in the smaller room that would allow a partition of some kind in a bigger bedroom.