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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
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ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:19

@Hwory

Your attitude towards your stepson is shameful.
It really is.
toocold54 · 30/05/2021 23:21

Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do there’s only one spare bedroom and 2 children so they’re going to have to share it. I think the next couple of years it will be fine for your DD to sleep in your room when he comes but obviously that can’t happen forever so they’ll need to sleep in the same room or you’ll have to rent a 3 bed.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 30/05/2021 23:21

My 2 always got a mattress on the lounge floor when they went to their Dads and they absolutely hated it.
They were also fairly sure it was their (awful) step mums idea.

They now actively avoid going there.

If you and your dh separated, how would you feel if his new partner treated your dd the way you treat his ds?

NameyNameyNameChangey · 30/05/2021 23:22

If you can't provide two rooms, they will have to share.
It's quite UR to make him sleep alone downstairs on a blow up bed.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2021 23:23

Bunk beds and they share seems the obvious thing. You seemed reasonable to start off with, not wanting your dd to have to move out of the room when ds is there, but blew it with the blow up bed in the living room. That’s absolutely horrible!

Can you as the parents take the living room as your bed room?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 23:23

@Littlefluffyclouds13

My 2 always got a mattress on the lounge floor when they went to their Dads and they absolutely hated it. They were also fairly sure it was their (awful) step mums idea.

They now actively avoid going there.

If you and your dh separated, how would you feel if his new partner treated your dd the way you treat his ds?

He’s the parent, it was up to him to make them comfortable. While it might have been her idea it’s entirely his fault if he chose to go along with it.
Gilly12345 · 30/05/2021 23:24

I thought children from opposite sexes were not supposed to share a bedroom?

Nohugstoday25 · 30/05/2021 23:24

Surely this came up before now though ?
Like when you decided to have a child did you include SDS in your plans. If it was your child what would you be doing ?
That is the question you have to ask your self
If you had another child would one be sleeping on the mattress in the living room.

They are siblings they can share a room.

Nohugstoday25 · 30/05/2021 23:25

@Gilly12345 you are only classed as over crowded for different genders at 10 years old and even then it’s not really a law plenty people have to do it

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:26

@Gilly12345

I thought children from opposite sexes were not supposed to share a bedroom?
Since when?

Children sharing bedrooms was the norm for centuries. OP is actually in a good position, having a spare room and being able to put bunk beds in.

RickiTarr · 30/05/2021 23:29

@Gilly12345

I thought children from opposite sexes were not supposed to share a bedroom?
That is a rule for bedroom allocation in the world of council housing. Most people don’t live in council housing.
DeathStare · 30/05/2021 23:30

Please stop referring to it as the spare room. You don't have a spare room. It's your step-son's bedroom.

Castlepeak · 30/05/2021 23:30

What was the plan before you had your shared DC? You must have discussed this problem before deciding to add another child to the family.

The 8yo can’t sleep on an air mattress. He needs a proper bed. It’s also not great to have kids with such a big age difference share just because older kids leave things lying around that can be dangerous for little ones, but that is an issue that can be managed. So sharing the room is probably option 1.

Do you have a dining area or other living space that could be sectioned off and repurposed into a bedroom? That could be option 2.

You could also section of a space of your own room for step-son where his own bed and things can be. Then when he is there you and your husband can go sleep on this awesome blow up mattress. So option 3.

RickiTarr · 30/05/2021 23:31

There are three or four years to go before puberty. It’s okay until then. Presumably OP and her OH and planning to move to a three bed at some point .

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:31

Also, the children would not be sharing 24/7. Only for a couple of nights every two weeks.

Honestly OP, you are being really unfair to your DP's son. But I get the impression that you don't really care about him, or your DP's relationship with him, at all.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 30/05/2021 23:34

This is why kids from first families end up with security issues. You got involved with a man with a child. You were in control of that, not the 8 year old. Sleeping on a mattress on the sitting room floor. Would you like your child to be made to feel so second rate.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/05/2021 23:34

I don't think OP will be back given the unanimous YABU ...

Just wondering if she will tell her DP the response shes had.

TinaYouFatLard · 30/05/2021 23:35

Firstly, you need to accept the bunk bed idea.

Secondly, I hope your partner is making every effort possible to increase his contact time with his child.

SpilltheTea · 30/05/2021 23:35

I'd get bunk beds and have them share. You cannot have him sleep on a blow up bed, that's just mean.

UhtredRagnarson · 30/05/2021 23:36

Why do people not think this stuff through before adding more children?

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 30/05/2021 23:38

Why can’t they just share??

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2021 23:38

You cannot put a child who is already ambivalent about staying over on a blow-up bed in the living room!

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:39

@HeddaGarbled

You cannot put a child who is already ambivalent about staying over on a blow-up bed in the living room!
Unless you want the child to stop visiting...
caringcarer · 30/05/2021 23:40

You are getting a hard time OP when you probably just wanted s quick solution. If you were to make DSS sleep in lounge on mattress then he did not want to come who do you think your DH will blame? Be glad your DH is committed to both his children because if you ever broke up sounds like he would still be a good Dad to your dd. Buy bunk beds and put your DD in bottom one and DSS in top one. He is not there often anyway. I would not be putting DD in your room though when DSS stayed over. The siblings will get used to sharing and it is ok until DSS gets to 10 or 11.

maddening · 30/05/2021 23:40

How big is the second bedroom? Could you take the smallest room and divide the largest room?

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