Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Viviennemary · 30/05/2021 23:41

I think it would be dreadful to make his DS sleep on a blow up bed. Not on. I think at two your DD can stay with you. Not really what I'd call a blended family when an eight year old has to sleep on a blow up bed to make way for a two year old.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 23:50

There's no way I'd have a two year old sleeping with me. Bunk beds is the way to go with DSS on the top one. It's only one night he has to share the room and it's what would happen if he lived there permanently.

SavannahLands · 30/05/2021 23:54

With an 8year old boy, and a child of the opposite sex sharing a room, it won’t be long before you will need to separate them as soon as he reaches 10 years old. My DD is looking to move into a three bedroomed house from the two bedded one she’s living in now for the same reason, her DD will be 9 later this year, and her younger brother will be 5. It’s not just be choice, it’s the Law according to her GP.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:56

It’s not just be choice, it’s the Law according to her GP

Well, if they said that, then her GP is talking bollocks.

BetterThanKleenex · 30/05/2021 23:57

Bunk bed or day bed. Day bed can be a sofa when he's not there but is a proper bed for him. You could even have it in the living room if really needed. Make sure he has his own choice of bedding if possible to make it feel like his.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:58

You could even have it in the living room if really needed

NO!

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 00:00

Blow-up bed aside, your DSS cannot sleep downstairs in the living-room by himself. He is a young child and it will most likely be scary for him sleeping away from everyone else. If this is what you are going to offer him, please ask your partner not to insist on overnights so this little boy can stay at home with his mum where he feels safe.

The only fair solution is bunk/twin beds in the bedroom and DD shares your room when DSS visits. DSS shouldn't be disturbed by toddler waking and it shouldn't be that much of an issue to have a toddler sharing your room for a couple of nights a fortnight.

MiddlesexGirl · 31/05/2021 00:02

It's not the law.
The only sense in which there is a statutory requirement is in relation to social housing allocations and even then, because of the shortage of housing it is often ignored.

AlmostSummer21 · 31/05/2021 00:05

@SavannahLands

Big load of bollocks.

Siblings can share a bedroom till they pull their pension if they want to.

Councils are supposed to take it into account, but they can only do what they can do.

UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 00:07

it’s the Law according to her GP.

Nonsense! Tell your DD to google it for herself. There is no law saying that children over 10 can’t share a room with a sibling of the opposite sex.

knitnerd90 · 31/05/2021 00:10

Why would her DD have to move out when DSS comes to stay (As DH proposes)? If she's old enough to sleep in a bunk bed the rest of the time she can stay there when he's there too. It's also U to expect DD to move so he can have his own room--this is going to be a long term thing and she won't always be tiny. It's going to be both their room. There's only 2 bedrooms so really this is quite simple.

It's VU to expect him to sleep on a blow up mattress. This is his home too.

amusedbush · 31/05/2021 00:15

YA both BU.

YABU for suggesting that your DSS sleeps on a blow-up bed like an occasional guest when he is going to be visiting regularly for years to come. HIBU for suggesting that your DD has to give up her bedroom every other weekend.

The kids will need to share.

PrincessPeachh · 31/05/2021 00:18

Of course you’re being unreasonable. That’s your partner’s son, why doesn’t he deserve a proper bed to sleep in? You want to give your daughter her own bedroom but don’t want your partner to give his son his own, proper, bed. You may only have 1 child yourself, but your partner has 2 children and both of them are just as important as each other. Imagine being kicked out your room so your sibling can have it. So nasty. Why can’t they have bunk beds? What’s so bad about sharing?

SteveArnottsCodeine · 31/05/2021 00:19

What about a trundle bed? This way DD has her own bed that isn’t a bunk and when the trundle is away it makes no odds to the room or bed, but when DSS is there he has his own bed all ready that you can just pull out and DD can either sleep in with him or she can come in with you?

You could decorate the room with elements for both children and have a couple of the larger Kallax units in the room, one for DDs stuff and another for DSSs. That way they both get the benefit of the “own room” but DD isn’t affected when her brothers not around and DSS doesn’t feel like a visitor when he comes with no place to call his own.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/05/2021 00:20

You have two dc in the family and a two bed home, so the dc share.

The idea that one dc should have a bedroom and the other sleep on a blow up bed is a bit like Harry Potte and the cupboard under the stairs!

RickiTarr · 31/05/2021 00:29

@SavannahLands

That is complete nonsense.

TheTeenageYears · 31/05/2021 00:34

Not sure about laws but for social housing there is an age when boys and girls are no longer expected to share a room. Generally speaking when something costs money the government only put rules in place when there are strong reasons for it therefore whilst it might not apply to private housing there is guidance as such on the topic of room sharing.

NeedingAGoodNap · 31/05/2021 00:36

You don’t have a spare room. The room is currently set up as your dss room therefore its currently his bedroom.

What you are proposing to do is take his room off him and leave him in the living room! How horrible to be made to feel like an unwanted guest in a place that should feel like home.

While it may suck, the two children will need to share a room. What was the plan when you decided to have a second child? Surely this situation was foreseeable

osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 00:36

@UhtredRagnarson

Why do people not think this stuff through before adding more children?

Quite. But we all know why. YABVU.

It’s not just be choice, it’s the Law according to her GP.

Bullshit.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/05/2021 01:21

You need to look at your attitude which is disgusting quite frankly.

Aside from the fact that you should have considered this before you brought another child into the mix, your DH is doing only the bare minimum of parenting with his son. Its outrageous therefore that you are looking to undermine his position in the household even further.

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 02:05

What's the long term solution ? are you hoping DSS ages out of the bedroom ? 🌸

CaseBasket · 31/05/2021 02:26

I have a step son come every weekend. My partner has said and I agree- his son should always have a room where ever we live. We currently have a 2 bed flat and we've said if we have another child the child would have to stay in with us until we can move. It's tough shit ...
We don't even feel like my SS should have to share just because we've made the choice to have more - but have said that if we can only afford another two bed place the second room needs to be big enough to accommodate two beds. End of.

It's his home too. At least it should be!

Torvean · 31/05/2021 03:29

Don't get bunk beds. Lat your daughter have a room that feels like hers. Get on of the captain style bunks where the second bed slides under the main bed when not in use.

Keep a drawer set fill of toys and activities for the step son. He can have it out when he's there, but it can be tidied away when he's not.

It sound like he only sleeps 2 night a month at your house.

MrsRockAndRoll · 31/05/2021 04:26

@AnneLovesGilbert

If he slept in the living room where would you go once he’s down for the night?

It’s a bad idea anyway. He needs a proper permanent bed, in a bedroom.

How have you gone till now without discussing this? She’s two, you were pregnant for 9 months, hopefully you talked about all of this stuff before you decided to have a child together unless you’ve moved into a smaller place since then.

This

Great post @AnneLovesGilbert

MrsRockAndRoll · 31/05/2021 04:28

@Faranth

Get bunk beds.

To make it feel less 'shared' could you do something like this? Even with curtains?

That way DD wouldn't need to come in with you when DSS is there, but he would very much have his own space.

Awesome bunk bed picture.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10