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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
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CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 06:19

It won't be long before they need seperate spaces for safety's sake. I'd start saving now for somewhere with a room each for them. For now though you can't ask DSS to sleep somewhere else like he is a visitor, it will make him feel further pushed out.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 06:20

What were your original plans when DD was conceived?

Voomster953 · 31/05/2021 07:19

Wow, the vitriol on here...

I suspect even if the OP had suggested giving her own bedroom to the stepson and that she sleep in a kitchen cupboard, she’d have been called wicked for daring to conceive a second child of her own while they already had SS and only a two-bed house.

Pompom2367 · 31/05/2021 07:23

Op he can't use a. Blow up bed you are being unreasonable step son was here first you need to set the room so they both have space

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2021 07:23

I don’t know if you will come back as the answers were not what you wished to here. Some posters run like the wind when they don’t get what they wanted.

I also agree with the others, you can’t make him sleep on a blow up in the living room, he needs to feel it’s his home too.

SueSaid · 31/05/2021 07:27

@Bluntness100

I don’t know if you will come back as the answers were not what you wished to here. Some posters run like the wind when they don’t get what they wanted.

I also agree with the others, you can’t make him sleep on a blow up in the living room, he needs to feel it’s his home too.

This.

It is quite incredible that the op would think a dc who probably feels unsettled as it is should sleep on a blow up bed in the living room.

Why don't you do that op?

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 07:28

Having the kid sleeping on a blow bed on every contact day? No wonder your OH is worried the kid would stop coming, it is an awful idea that smacks of “you really don’t belong in this family.

Bunk beds all the way.

InTheDrunkTank · 31/05/2021 07:28

I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

Well of course your DD will eventually need her own room. If you can't move then you might as well do this now. You are being very unreasonable to expect him to sleep on a blow up bed in the living room though. This is your partner's child who is going to be just as important to your partner as your DD. He wants him to feel at home in your home or of course he won't want to stay.

Could you and your partner sleep in the front room (on a sofa bed?) while he stays over?

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2021 07:30

Yes that’s a better solution, give him your bedroom when he is over and buy a sofa bed to sleep on in the living room.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 07:30

Why did you have a "blended family" before having room for one? Do people seriously not think these kinds of things through?

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/05/2021 07:31

He'll never want to stay if you relegate him to a blow-up bed in the living room. Go with the bunks and make sure the room still reflects what the little boy likes.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 07:36

@user7836

Why did you have a "blended family" before having room for one? Do people seriously not think these kinds of things through?
They do have room for one 90% of the time, his son barely stays.

I firmly believe that in a set up like this that the child who lives in the house all of the time should have the room, anything else would be hugely unfair to them. Although I don't think sharing for one night every couple of weeks is a big deal and is better than a bed in the living room. Why is sharing for one night such an issue?

DancesWithTortoises · 31/05/2021 07:36

Bunk beds is the way to go, OP. Fair to both.

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 07:37

Ps. You can make bunk beds like two little bedrooms by simply adding a lamp, a cork board and a shelf(even some curtains for privacy)

Download the Houzz app and enter bunk bed in the search, plenty of ideas on how to use bunk beds as bedroom pods.

Checkingout811 · 31/05/2021 07:43

What did you agree when you were TTC?
His son was “here first” so surely you bought the 2 bed house with the intention of you and DH having a room and DSS having a room? So it’s your own child arriving that’s caused the issue, not your husbands son
The fact you can’t move isn’t his problem. He is a child who needs a bedroom at his dads. The exact hours really don’t matter.

Look at it from another angle; if you and DH split, would you be happy for your DD to sleep on a blow up bed like an unwanted guest? I certainly wouldn’t want it for my DC.

The DC need to share until you can move somewhere bigger for when they’re older.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 07:47

she’d have been called wicked for daring to conceive a second child of her own while they already had SS and only a two-bed house.
I don't think it's wicked I just think as soon as baby was on the way they should have discussed it, preferably before but I know sometimes babys come as a surprise! It's hard because DC should ideally get the room as they have no other space to call their own whereas SDC does but getting SDC out the room will cause them upset and make them feel even more of an outsider. They can share for now but it won't be long until they need their own space for privacy and safety reasons.

starrynight21 · 31/05/2021 07:48

Op have you ever slept on a blow up bed in someone's sitting room ? It's horrible and guaranteed to make you feel like an unwelcome visitor. Don't do that to your stepson, please.

hellywelly3 · 31/05/2021 07:48

You have 2 children in a 2 bedroom house so they either share or you move. That is the only options. You can’t treat your SS different to your DD. You don’t start a relationship with someone with a child if you don’t want to put their needs first.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 07:48

They do have room for one 90% of the time, his son barely stays

That's just utter bullshit, if he wants a relationship with his son he needs to make sure he has a home big enough to have both children 100% of the time. When you "blend" families you don't have the luxury of kids being able to share in the same way you do with full siblings. They should have moved first or not had a baby they couldn't afford. Completely selfish, people thinking they're entitled to have children with no regard for children from previous relationships.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 07:51

They do have room for one 90% of the time, his son barely stays

They need room for two for 100% of the time the kids are with them.

sixswans · 31/05/2021 07:54

He's not a visitor, he's a family member. If his dad lives there it's his home.

DinosaurDiana · 31/05/2021 07:56

They aren’t going to be able to share for a long time, you need to look at moving to a bigger house.

CorianderBee · 31/05/2021 07:57

What's your plan for when he does come over? He needs a bed at his dads home...

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/05/2021 08:01

Yes YABVU. You should have thought about this before having more children, your DSS was here first. You shouldn't have had children with a man who already has kids if this is your attitude.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:03

@CoffeeCakey

They do have room for one 90% of the time, his son barely stays

They need room for two for 100% of the time the kids are with them.

And they do... It's not unusual for children to share a room. It's one night every two weeks I'm sure it's manageable.