Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 08:23

When they are older the Dd should have the room, in my opinion.

What should the DSS do then? I hope he's given the option to vote with his feet and stay home where he feels welcome.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:23

@LottieRigger

Did you miss the bit where she said she can't afford to move right now?
They've had 2 years 9 months (2 years if DD was a complete surprise) and they probably have at best 2 years before they need seperate rooms. That's lots of time to have sorted out their financials.

I think if they can't move then DD is going to have to sleep on an airbed/pull out bed in mum and dad's room when DSC is here.

DifferentHair · 31/05/2021 08:26

Get bunk beds. Anything else is ridiculous.

LottieRigger · 31/05/2021 08:26

Ahh okay so DD who shouldn't have been born anyway can have the blow up bed but not the precious step son.

Neither child should be sleeping on a blow up bed when they can share a room.

Tal45 · 31/05/2021 08:27

If your room is bigger can you put the kids in there and divide it? Is there room for a double bed in the second bedroom? Both children need their space and IMO your OH shouldn't have had another child if he couldn't accommodate them both.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:27

@LottieRigger

Ahh okay so DD who shouldn't have been born anyway can have the blow up bed but not the precious step son.

Neither child should be sleeping on a blow up bed when they can share a room.

They can share a room for now but it won't be long before it's unsafe
CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:29

And the younger child isn't going to be as bothered sharing a room with their parents. And it sends an awful signal chucking SC out of their room.

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 08:29

He is 8. A relationship with his df is so important. He perhaps doesn't want to stay over as he can sense the inconvenience coming from the op.

I agree, but the df has to invest in the relationship for it to be important and having a home without space for the boy to stay is hardly doing that. And the boy is clearly an inconvenience for the OP.

Absent a court order, I wouldn't send my little boy off to sleep downstairs in the dark by himself in anyone's house. I know a lot of children who'd be petrified and unable to sleep in that scenario. I'd be telling his father no overnights in those circumstances.

UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 08:40

Always the same with this type of thread. The stepmother is usually vilified.

I should hope so if the thread is talking about making a partners child sleep on a blow up bed in the living room.

Dotrophy · 31/05/2021 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cheninblanc · 31/05/2021 08:41

In our home we're lucky that all children have their own room. At my ex husbands they weren't allowed to share one of the 3 bedrooms with their half sister or step sister (and all same sex) so it was front room or shed. They obviously weren't welcome so they stopped going, their choice. Think about the 8 year old and making him welcome - even a slide out bed would be good and have it ready before he arrives so he never sees it packed away

WildfirePonie · 31/05/2021 08:42

Maybe OP doesnt feel comfortable letting her DD share a room?

Did you and DH not talk about this before it got to this stage?

UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 08:43

They can share a room for now but it won't be long before it's unsafe

Unsafe?

Ickythefirebobby · 31/05/2021 08:43

“I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?”

Carry on with that attitude and it won’t be long before he doesn’t want to come over. Of course he needs somewhere proper to sleep. Bunk beds would do the trick whilst they’re still young enough to share. I can’t believe you think that shoving a child on a blow up bed in the lounge is ok. He may only sleep there for a short time but it’s his home and it’s not his fault he’s found himself with a split family. There’s nothing blended about what you’re describing. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t think it was acceptable for your daughter, should she find herself in a similar situation in the future.

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 08:45

I think your DD should be in the bedroom as she’s there everyday. Your step son already has a bedroom of his own at his DM’s. I think bunk beds would be a good idea. By the time he’s a pre-teen would you be able to move into a 3 bed house so they could have separate bedrooms?

FinallyHere · 31/05/2021 08:47

simply uses the blow up bed in the living room.

How would it actually work ? What time will he go to sleep and what will you and DP do then? Go to bed too?

If you can't bring yourself to have the DC share a room with bunk beds, then I think you give the boy your room when he stays and you sleep in the living room.

It isn't ideal, is it.

sashh · 31/05/2021 08:47

Why don't you and your partner sleep in the living room? It's only 2 nights a month. No I didn't think you would like that.

What does SS want to do?

There are loads of way to make a shared space individual, if the ceiling is high enough then a sleeping platform can work.

If the second room is big enough for a double bed then maybe you and DP should move into that room.

ittakes2 · 31/05/2021 08:48

He's not 'someone' he's your partners son and your stepson.

OverTheRubicon · 31/05/2021 08:49

@WildfirePonie

Maybe OP doesnt feel comfortable letting her DD share a room?

Did you and DH not talk about this before it got to this stage?

Unless there's a MASSIVE drip feed that means it's not safe for an 8 year old to share a room one night a week with a toddler for a few more years, then her lack of comfort is her problem, shouldn't be his.

It's so unfair on her ss to get to see his dad one night a week in an environment where he is made to feel very unwanted.

The adults made a choice to bring a second child into a household with one bedroom - because he is a part of his father's household - they need to find a solution that works for their children.

ittakes2 · 31/05/2021 08:50

As you have said its only 36hrs a fortnight - if you were on a mini 36hr break on a holiday you would have your daughter in your room. She is still very very young - I don't see an issue taking her back into your room for 36hrs a fortnight.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 31/05/2021 08:50

YABU and your DH is right to be worried about the impact that this will have on his relationship with his son and the amount of time he will want to spend.
But you don’t really care about that do you?
A blow up fucking bed on the living room floor? Nasty.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 31/05/2021 08:52

Set the room up as a shared room, you can get some really lovely ideas for shared boy/girl rooms. And then your SS always has a place and to stay and it's still your Dds room most of the time - and a brilliant set up for sleepovers when she's older

One spare room, blended family
One spare room, blended family
RealhousewifeofStoke · 31/05/2021 08:53

‘They can share a room for now but it won't be long before it's unsafe’

In what way will it be ‘unsafe’? Waiting with bated breath for an explanation Hmm

30littletoes · 31/05/2021 08:55

The fact that you’re calling your partner’s son’s bedroom ‘the spare room’ and you refer to him by stating that “He (your partner) has a son” rather than any background info about actually caring about the child- it isn’t really very surprising that he’s sensing your unequal and unwelcoming stance.
He’s 8- this perhaps seems very big/ grown up to you compared to your 2 year old but he is still very much a small child.
You seem to have disappeared I. The face of answers you don’t like but it’s fairly clear that YABU. They should share the room- which incidentally should be discussed and planned with your DP’s son ahead of time, not just foisted on him.

Budapestdreams · 31/05/2021 08:55

Bunk beds.
You never know, they might love sharing when he comes to visit. It will help the bond between them.