One spare room, blended family

[Sezsmee]

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

No way would I let them share. What happens in 2 years if you can’t move? Or 4 years? Do they still share then?

I’d never let an older boy share with a younger girl. Fine if they were both girls. But not that way round.

Get a sofa bed for the living room, let him have your bed when he stays. That way he has his own space.

Or do you have an attic you can board out?

You don't think it's fair for your daughter to give up her room for a few days but he should give up his room permanently. I agree you should have considered this before having another child. It is absolutely not on to make him feel even more unwelcome and take his room away just because you had another child. If anything I'd give your daughter your room and put a sofa bed in the living room for you two. Then each child gets there own room without you taking your step sons away. The fact he isn't there all of the time means to me it is more important he keeps his room to make him feel as included and part of the family as possible. Not shoved aside before your little princess has turned up

Christ almighty
He doesn’t need 2 bedrooms
He has a bedroom at his mums house ,
Seriously,kids do not need 2 bedrooms and one of everything at both houses ...just teaching them to be entitled.
He doesn’t need a bedroom to himself for the few hours a week he spends there ,surely to point is to spend time with the dad ,not in a bloody bedroom ,that sits empty 95% of the time

‘No-one said that, or implied it; you are trying to stir things up.’

Perfect cross post with the post straight after yours

36 hours a fortnight is pretty woeful for being a parent to a child. Maybe that needs looking at too

@Summersnake I'm really trying to understand what you're saying but do you really think him feeling 'at home' with his dad and having his own space / irrelevant if it is his own bedroom or shared is entitled? What if one day he tells his dad he'd like to live with him full time? Then what? The child - any child should always feel like it's home. His current room is labelled a 'spare room', he doesn't come a lot now but that could change and his mums shouldn't be his only home- why do you assume the mum wants to be the 'sole' parent- does this mean he doesn't have to pay CM because he already has one parent who is 'in charge' or the 'main' parent? No probably not. So if this a shared parental arrangement - shouldn't the living arrangements reflect that?

I get what you mean if we're talking about a pet 🙄 but this is a shared child. An actual person. Come on!

The majority of teachers, sports coaches, priests, uncles do not abuse children but we have safeguards and there is a massive backlash if people fo not observe the advised protocols,

Yes, of course we have protocols for how unrelated adults in positions of power and authority deal with with children in a professional context.

That has absolutely nothing to do with sibling relationships in a family home.

What 'protocols' are there around how an 'uncle' should interact with his nieces and nephews? Do we CRB check uncles now ?

Parents need to exercise common sense, make their own judgments and listen to their children. The OP will be able to make her own judgment about whether (unlikely!) her DSS poses a threat to her DD.

@Poorpigletsrevenge

No way would I let them share. What happens in 2 years if you can’t move? Or 4 years? Do they still share then?

I’d never let an older boy share with a younger girl. Fine if they were both girls. But not that way round.

Get a sofa bed for the living room, let him have your bed when he stays. That way he has his own space.

Or do you have an attic you can board out?

He is 8 and she is 2. In 2 years, they will be 10 and 4, which IMO is still fine. By the time the boy is around 12, it may be inappropriate to share, but, for now, they are both young children and it's fine.

I voted YANBU but after reading other posts I have changed my mind. They are young enough to share - needs to be neutral or a fair mix of what they are each into. Not many 8 year olds would want to sleep downstairs alone? Surely you can see that? My 10 year old who still likes me to go down first on a morning/be escorted up to bed if it's dark. DH husband also needs to accept DD can't be in your room for much longer unless you both want her to.

"an attic you can board out" It's getting worse!

@DinosaurDiana

They aren’t going to be able to share for a long time, you need to look at moving to a bigger house.

Are you funding it?

People glibly trot this line out all the time

@Looubylou

"an attic you can board out" It's getting worse!

Indeed, why not just shove the poor fucker under the stairs and be done with it?

@Looubylou

"an attic you can board out" It's getting worse!

Loft conversion is a solution

@PaperbackRider

How can you compare making more space by converting the attic to sticking a child in a cupboard under the stairs?

If the OP can’t move, surely using existing space to give the Son some privacy and his own room is preferable to a sofa bed or sleeping in his parents bedroom?

[quote Poorpigletsrevenge]@PaperbackRider

How can you compare making more space by converting the attic to sticking a child in a cupboard under the stairs?

If the OP can’t move, surely using existing space to give the Son some privacy and his own room is preferable to a sofa bed or sleeping in his parents bedroom?[/quote]
boarding out an attic is what you do when you want to store boxes. It does not create a bedroom and is in no way a living space.
You can't put a child in the attic unless you convert it to a room, ffs! That it needs to be said astounds me.

@PaperbackRider I am not a builder, but I’d think it fairly obvious I wasn’t suggesting the Son sleep in a storage area! Wow! What a strange thing to think!

My parents converted a loft room for me when I was ten. I had to climb up a fixed ladder. I loved it. This could be a great solution for some families - but not one in which the SS already feels pushed put.

@CoffeeCakey

Ah yes sorry, meant to quote one of mine. There is the potential for abuse. I say potential.

So now the poor kid is a potential child abuser. Absolutely ridiculous. They are half siblings, he’s not some random kid dragged in off the street. Although from the OP’s attitude you would think he was.

I agree with your DH: I think your DD should have the room most of the time but that she should sleep in your room while DSS stays with you, for the time being. I would not choose to put opposite sex children with that age gap in together, especially when they barely live together for the rest of the time - I think it would be likely to be very hard on both of them and not good for their relationship, as both will need some appropriate space and privacy from the other. I also don't think a 2 year old will care in the slightest about moving out and sleeping with mummy and daddy for one night a fortnight. In the longer term, it would be a good idea to do some hard thinking about possibilities for moving, loft conversion, or putting in a stud wall to divide a bedroom - I'm assuming that there isn't a dining room going spare that you haven't mentioned, or any other obvious solution. Otherwise, if all else fails perhaps DSS could sleep in your bedroom for that one night a fortnight when he is older and you and DH could have a sofa bed. That wouldn't work if he was with you more often, but for one night a fortnight it should be OK.

Bunk beds is a good idea. It's still her room. Her brother just has a sleep over every couple of weeks. That's not a bad thing. It might be something they'd really enjoy and that would help them get closer.

When they're older of course there will need to be a change but perhaps by then you can afford a bigger house.

[quote Poorpigletsrevenge]@PaperbackRider I am not a builder, but I’d think it fairly obvious I wasn’t suggesting the Son sleep in a storage area! Wow! What a strange thing to think![/quote]
That was exactly what was suggested. If you didn't mean that, it's your bad, not the people who read it exactly as written

@Poorpigletsrevenge
You can’t argue with people like @PaperbackRider!
Of course you were not suggesting shoving him in the attic, rather converting the loft to make a room, as is normal!
People come on these threads and think it is clever to ‘interpret’ what they read and make it confrontational. Just as no one has ‘accused’ the DSD of being a child molester, when thy suggest that the mix won’t work later when the children are say, 15 and 9. It would be uncomfortable for both.

@RealhousewifeofStoke

‘No-one said that, or implied it; you are trying to stir things up.’

Perfect cross post with the post straight after yours

Nope; still no one saying he is an abuser.

People come on these threads and think it is clever to ‘interpret’ what they read and make it confrontational

No interpretation of any kind. If people can't write what they actually mean, they can't rely on everyone else to work it out.

A boarded over attic is a storage area. A loft conversion is a very very different thing. If you're too stupid to know the difference, in what way is that my fault?

You cant put him on a blow up bed in the lounge, how to made a child feel rejected? Id go with bunk bed idea, it suits everyone, can be your dd's room 99% of the time and there is space for him too?