Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 30/05/2021 12:28

I'd be furious if I was the mum and found out afterwards you weren't there. If you tell her she light be ok with it but it's for her to decide her comfort level for things affecting her own child

Blueemeraldagain · 30/05/2021 12:28

I think I’d go for the third option of going to DP’s house and then come back home at a set time (11? 11:30?)

Original poster
SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:29

I should have said I have zero concerns about parties or alcohol.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 30/05/2021 12:29

It’s absolutely fine for you to decide your 16 year old DD will be ok on her own for the night... it’s absolutely not ok to make that decision for another parent about their child.

Tell the other girl’s mum, she’ll probably be fine with it but you never know. I’d be pissed off if I assumed my child was in an adult supervised household and it turned out they weren’t.

Embracingthechaos · 30/05/2021 12:29

I wouldn't contact friend's mum to inform her that you won't be there, but I also wouldn't lie to her if she happens to speak to you about it.

At 16 I'm assuming they make their own social arrangements anyway? So you probably don't need to get involved.

Crazycakelady17 · 30/05/2021 12:30

You are not being unreasonable just go your daughter is old enough and if the other mum is clingy that’s her issue it would be different if they were 11
DH joined the army at 16 and moved hundreds of miles away

Nekoness · 30/05/2021 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheQueef · 30/05/2021 12:34

YABU
It's dishonest (you know she thinks you will be there) and not for you to decide how to parent someone elses kid.

Rejig and come home or just make her aware.

Original poster
SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:35

Embracingthechaos that was my thought too in that I wouldn't lie about it.

I understand the thoughts about the mum making the decision as to whether the daughter would be OK alone or not, but they have both been alone during the day in the house many times with the parents' blessing.

I think to save argument or problems i will return later in the evening

OP posts:
UserAtRandom · 30/05/2021 12:35

Of course you need to let her know. If nothing else, have a search of MN and see how many threads there are about people who left their "sensible, no concerns about them, teen" overnight and came home to find that their house had been invaded/trashed/the teen has engaged in undesirable activity.

If I knew my 16 year old's friend was on their own overnight, I wouldn't want to send my child for a sleepover. I'd probably invite the friend to mine instead.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 30/05/2021 12:36

They're 16, no, I wouldn't tell the other mother as that would be ridiculous.

Original poster
SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:37

Nekoness what the fuck is wrong with you. As pp mentioned at 16 the daughter can go get married in Scotland, can apply for housing, can have a child herself. Where the fuck did I say I'd tell the mum she was too 'uptight'. There's always one isn't there!

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 30/05/2021 12:38

Of course you're being unreasonable. Bloody ridiculous to suggest that them both having been alone during the day (well, of course they have!) makes any difference.
You don't decide for someone else that their parenting is lacking and that you make better decisions for their child.

Lottielovescake · 30/05/2021 12:43

I’d be furious if I was the mother mum. Just be honest and tell her, it’s her decision how she parents. Omitting to telling her is the same as lying to her about it. Why can’t you clause text her and let her know what your plans are? The DC are at your house, at least be honest.

Letshavesometea · 30/05/2021 12:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable. She's 16, she's an adult.

HunkyPunk · 30/05/2021 12:44

I only say yabu because I don't think you should conceal any potentially controversial household arrangements from another child's parents, even at 16. However, I don't personally think it would be unreasonable at all to leave them overnight at that age.

Letshavesometea · 30/05/2021 12:44

Though I am in Scotland where you can do more things at 16, if that makes a difference

PuppyMonkey · 30/05/2021 12:45

Couldn’t you rearrange plans with your DP or get him to come to yours?

User629202 · 30/05/2021 12:45

You absolutely have to tell her. I would be furious if my 16yo was left alone overnight and I wasn’t told.

Different parents have different views about when it’s ok to leave a child overnight. You can’t make that decision for her. She has an absolute right to know, and to decide if she’s still happy with the sleepover.

Lipz · 30/05/2021 12:46

You need to tell the mother. It doesn't matter how you parent or how we parent, this girls mother was a bit doubtful anyway and she thinks you'll be there.

You need to respect her way of parenting, put aside what you think is OK. I hate when you send your kids off somewhere and the other parent decides to change the whole plan and allow something I wouldn't.

Can you not 'stay over', at your partner's? Or change it to another night.

User629202 · 30/05/2021 12:46

@Letshavesometea

I don't think you are being unreasonable. She's 16, she's an adult.
16 is not an adult
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 30/05/2021 12:48

In two years this girl could be living alone at uni, and people are freaking out over a couple of 16 year olds spending a night with no adults?

I mean the kids probably won't be back after living away and realising how weird their parents are so all the control freaks out there had better make the most of it. Hmm I find kids from households like that tend to vote with their feet as soon as they're able to.

Letshavesometea · 30/05/2021 12:48

As I said I'm in Scotland where things are different, at 16 you can have your own home, be married.

SmileyClare · 30/05/2021 12:48

Why not invite dp to yours? (Assuming "partner" not your parent?)
It sounds as though your daughter is looking forward to this treat to celebrate GCSEs ending. I wouldn't jeopardise it being cancelled.
To be honest, I would stay home and see dp another time.

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 12:50

The logical solution would be to go to your DO another time. Or come home at night rather then stay over. You don't need to lie by omission so your DD still gets her friend over, you just need to change your plans.