AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

[SatansHelper]

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

Tell her

It should be her choice, NOT yours

I agree with the pp, it doesn't matter what anyone else would do. You know this mother would not be happy finding out there was no adult supervision so you need to be there.

@chickenyhead

Sooooo I have to take it from this thread, that in 2 months when DD is 16, I cannot have any say at all in what she does. In fact, I can even assist her friend in lying to her mum.

Wow!

Or, I can say that saying, what is it...."my house, my rules" end of story.

Don’t go away with that message

Go away with fact that for many of us - it’s absolutely NOT ok and we can’t relate to the OP even considering this for one second.

But that yes - there are a fair few that think otherwise. And they’re often of the.... “I had moved out, bought a place, had a full time job, married and was pregnant by 16. I was legally permitted to after all”

I would be furious if I left my child in your care with your invitation and you then left my child alone overnight without telling me. All planned and not an emergency. (Regardless of their age - if their is an accident however unlikely you will be too far away). To be honest I'm sure the discussion with your partner can wait Or as PP have said - let DD sleep at the friends and you can then stay over at partners. Which ever the least you have to do is inform the parent and let her make her own decision for her child.

As I said I'm in Scotland where things are different, at 16 you can have your own home, be married
Many of the Scottish 16 year olds I teach can't remember to bring a pen with them and needs lots of support to organise assignments etc - it's a relief to learn I can just leave them to get on with it as they are fully fledged adults.

@HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst

For all those saying the OP should tell the other parent: at what age would you consider it not her responsibility to do so? Would 17 be ok? Or really only at 18 when they are officially adults?

I would say 18. All it is - is dropping them a text .... "DD says mini Prep is staying over tonight. That's ok with us" but we will be out overnight so just checking you are ok with it. Then the responsibility is with her as she is aware of the full situation. I can't understand how another Parent would collude with a child against their parent. Unless there were safeguarding concerns at home.

Unless you’ve said you’ll be there, YANBU to not be, as they’re 16 and sensible. If her mum asks, then you should obviously tell her you might not be there, but if she assumes you will be and you’re not, that’s not your problem. If the mum needs to know you will be there in order for her daughter to stay over, she should check with you.

I doubt the OP will be back.

That doesn't work Kaleslayer. So if I want to know another parent won't give my dc alcohol, or weed, or take them scuba diving, I have to specifically ask in order for it not to be a lie?

My son occasionally stayed over after parties, at friends houses from age 14/15. I used to ask if parents were there, but I didn’t actually check. If I didn’t trust my son, then I’d have insisted he come home or not go in the first place, I didn’t even know some of these parents. I had an address of where he was, he kept in touch by text, that was it.
It’s fine if parents want to check with you, but if they don’t, it’s on them.

@Geamhradh

My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar.

Jesus 😂😂😂

That doesn't work Kaleslayer. So if I want to know another parent won't give my dc alcohol, or weed, or take them scuba diving, I have to specifically ask in order for it not to be a lie?

I think you have to have that talk with your child, the responsibility doesn’t lie with the other parent anymore. If you don’t want your child to drink alcohol, you have that talk with them, you should be having these talks anyway. If you don’t trust them, you have a bigger problem. At 16, they will be making these choices. As for weed, all you can do is make sure your child knows the dangers. Scuba diving? I’d expect my child to let me know, and if I wasn’t happy, we’d discuss why,

All the people who don’t think sixteen years olds having the doping skills or maturity to be left overnight, do you expect them to magically gain these skills on their 18th birthdays? Shouldn’t you be lessening your grip in order for them to learn these skills?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

All the people who don’t think sixteen years olds having the doping skills or maturity to be left overnight, do you expect them to magically gain these skills on their 18th birthdays? Shouldn’t you be lessening your grip in order for them to learn these skills?

Coping skills-*

As I said I'm in Scotland where things are different, at 16 you can have your own home, be married

Whilst this is true I'll be pretty devastated if either of my DD's choose this path! It's not really relevant.

All the people who don’t think sixteen years olds having the doping skills or maturity to be left overnight, do you expect them to magically gain these skills on their 18th birthdays? Shouldn’t you be lessening your grip in order for them to learn these skills?

I absolutely expect my dd will be fine to leave overnight at 16 but it is not my place to decide if someone else's child is. Will do no harm to give the parent a heads up.

If you have reason to believe the other parent wouldn't be happy, then in my opinion you have a duty to check with them.
This is whether you are:

• showing them a 12 film aged 8
• showing them a 15 film aged 12
• letting them play COD under age
• offering them alcohol under 18
• leaving them alone overnight at a sleepover for the first time post GCSEs

16/17 yos aren't full adults in the eyes of the law. Different parents have different expectations.

They are 16 yes? Not 6!
If anyone ever wonders why we have a whole lot of 25 year old children about theose days they just need to come on mumsnet.

It seems a wholly unnecessary dilemma, unless there is some particular reason why you have to go to your partner's that night and no other. Surely the simplest thing is to swap that to another day?

Yes yabu. Not to leave 16 year olds alone, if you feel your daughter is responsible, but to not inform another parent who may not agree with your assesment regarding their own child.
Why is you staying at your partners more important? If that's your priority, then you need to tell the other mother that you won't be home so she can decide if she wants her daughter staying at somebody else's house without an adult around.

I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place

So the mum is entrusting her daughter into your care, but you're not going to be there? Obviously you need to let her know as it may impact on her decision.

I'm stunned people think a 16 year old can't be left alone. There must be some very bubble wrapped 16 year olds out there.

Who has actually said that?

amy
Some 16yos are less confident than others.
Some 16yos have had a truely awful year MH wise.
Some 16yos have been through more in their lives than other 50yo adults.
It is not just about bubble wrapping.

Ultimately it is about respecting the other parent.