AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

[SatansHelper]

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

It was the OP's daughter saying that the other girl's mother was "uptight and needed to be convinced", not the OP. To be honest, sixteen year olds find every adult uptight when it comes to their plans. I would take it with a pinch of salt.

Whether the mother is uptight or not, she has parental responsibility for that 16 year old. She knows her best. Maybe her DD has a habit of leaving candles unattended, being easily led, being abused, taking drugs...who knows.

The point is in not willing and knowingly colluding in a lie, even if by omission.

I'm Scottish too and wish people would stop bringing up the marriage thing. Yes, you technically CAN get married at 16 but that doesn't ever mean you ever should.
It's outdated, creepy and weird. 16 is a child, in my opinion.

I agree. 16 year olds shouldn’t be getting married, but they should be having fun, doing things like having sleepovers with friends, even if parents aren’t there.

@Morechocmorechoc

I dont get it, can someone explain to me, assuming there are no additional needs, why 16 year olds can't take of them selves for 1 night? I have overprotective parents, but even I was allowed on my first abroad holiday with a friend at 16.

Is the issue because they may have sex, or is it leaving them unattended because people think 16 year olds can't out themselves to bed?!!!!

Really don't get everyone's issues here

I don't think they can't take care of themselves, I think they potentially won't be responsible. Different things.

It wouldn’t even have entered my head to contact the friends parents in this scenario.
Surely at 16 is the time when most kids go clubbing for the first time and festivals?
The friends parents sound ridiculous, and it’s unfortunate your DD opened her mouth about them. But as she has, unfortunately you have to let them know OP.
If they say no just leave your DD with some money for a takeaway and go.

Just have the chat and sleep over with your partner some other night. It’s not like this is the only night, or even Saturday, of the year that you can do it.

Also, what other questions should the other girl’s mum be ‘proactively asking’?

Will any men she/her DD hasn’t met be staying there as well? Potentially, yes.

Will any other men be visiting or staying? Possibly. Maybe not.

Where is the line - between ‘proactively asking’, and crossing a line into complete inappropriateness?

If it’s up the inquirer to always ‘proactively ask’, there could be a very deep rabbit warren to head down.

@KaleSlayer

Well and good but your ideas don’t necessarily match with the law and where you sit with having minors in your house and Duty of Care etc. It’s all great bless something goes wrong and then you may be there n for a few surprises if a claim were to be brought against you.

As far as I know there is no age stated by law in England. I know that the NSPCC advises under 16s shouldn’t be left overnight. So as long as they’re over 16, responsible, are comfortable with being left and have no additional needs, I think it’s fine.

Suggest you read the law. 16 year olds can leave home with or without parenteral consent. Unless the law implies they leave without consent but you have to go to?

Well just to let you know I came home (admittedly late but still they're not left home overnight). As expected, they are in the same position as they were when I left (early afternoon as I had other things to do). They cooked (a decent healthy meal), did the dishwasher and have just been marathon watching a show which was their plan. All alcohol accounted for, the front door was locked, no open flames as i knew would be the case.

The only reason I did not stay with dp as the sensible responses were right in that it's not my place to make that decision for DD's friend.

Thank you to all the sensible responses. I'm just going to ignore being called a lying, irresponsible, selfish parent. Good luck to all your molly-coddled cotton-wool wrapped children

How did your talk with your DP go, @SatansHelper? Hopefully it wasn't an issue that you had to come home - but I'm glad you did anyway.

Thank you to all the sensible responses. I'm just going to ignore being called a lying, irresponsible, selfish parent. Good luck to all your molly-coddled cotton-wool wrapped children

How is acting responsibly when you’re in charge of someone else’s kid molly coddling. I guess what you called cotton-wool wrapped most people will call parenting.

@Letshavesometea

As I said I'm in Scotland where things are different, at 16 you can have your own home, be married.

You can in England. Why is everyone saying this is only scotland. Leave home with or without consent. Get married with consent 🤦‍♀️

@SatansHelper

Well just to let you know I came home (admittedly late but still they're not left home overnight). As expected, they are in the same position as they were when I left (early afternoon as I had other things to do). They cooked (a decent healthy meal), did the dishwasher and have just been marathon watching a show which was their plan. All alcohol accounted for, the front door was locked, no open flames as i knew would be the case.

The only reason I did not stay with dp as the sensible responses were right in that it's not my place to make that decision for DD's friend.

Thank you to all the sensible responses. I'm just going to ignore being called a lying, irresponsible, selfish parent. Good luck to all your molly-coddled cotton-wool wrapped children

Of course they were still in the same position. They knew you were coming back.

If they'd known you were staying out for the night it could have been a very different picture.

@SatansHelper

Well just to let you know I came home (admittedly late but still they're not left home overnight). As expected, they are in the same position as they were when I left (early afternoon as I had other things to do). They cooked (a decent healthy meal), did the dishwasher and have just been marathon watching a show which was their plan. All alcohol accounted for, the front door was locked, no open flames as i knew would be the case.

The only reason I did not stay with dp as the sensible responses were right in that it's not my place to make that decision for DD's friend.

Thank you to all the sensible responses. I'm just going to ignore being called a lying, irresponsible, selfish parent. Good luck to all your molly-coddled cotton-wool wrapped children

Please don’t think this is necessarily reflective of what would have occurred had they not known you were returning

I am baffled by the people saying that 16 isn't a child. It most definitely IS a child both practically and in the eyes of the law. The OP absolutely had the obligation to either not stay out all night or inform the other mother that the girls would be alone all night, because she was responsible for the other girl when she was in her home. This is nothing to do with whether 16 year olds should be allowed to be left home alone overnight. That should be for each individual parent to decide. Due to learning difficulties and mental health challenges, one of my daughters absolutely would not have been able to be left unsupervised overnight at 16. My other daughter would have been fine with it, although in reality she was 17 before the circumstances arose that that actually happened.
OP, you did the right thing. If your daughter wants to experience the independence of staying home alone, go to your boyfriend's another night.

Londonscalling and sometimesfraught182 my daughter has never given me reason to believe that she is anything other than responsible; I know her and I know her friend and I know their friends. Until my daughter gives me reason to distrust her then I will always trust her. Yes, that one time will be an expensive lesson for me but to grow up not being trusted for no reason would be a horrible way to live and so far she has earned nothing but my trust.

'Thank you to all the sensible responses. I'm just going to ignore being called a lying, irresponsible, selfish parent. Good luck to all your molly-coddled cotton-wool wrapped children'

Oh op. Grow up. Mine certainly aren't mollycoddled and had indeed been left overnight at that age.

The point isn't the leaving them it's the other parent not knowing. Common courtesy that is all, all you had to do was tell your dd's friend to let her dm know.

@Anonymous48

I am baffled by the people saying that 16 isn't a child. It most definitely IS a child both practically and in the eyes of the law. The OP absolutely had the obligation to either not stay out all night or inform the other mother that the girls would be alone all night, because she was responsible for the other girl when she was in her home. This is nothing to do with whether 16 year olds should be allowed to be left home alone overnight. That should be for each individual parent to decide. Due to learning difficulties and mental health challenges, one of my daughters absolutely would not have been able to be left unsupervised overnight at 16. My other daughter would have been fine with it, although in reality she was 17 before the circumstances arose that that actually happened. OP, you did the right thing. If your daughter wants to experience the independence of staying home alone, go to your boyfriend's another night.

I am baffled by the people saying that 16 isn't a child. It most definitely IS a child both practically and in the eyes of the law.

I think most people who are saying this think that when someone wakes up on their 18th birthday, although they’re legally adults overnight, it’s unreasonable to expect them to be able to behave like adults after being treated as children up until that point.
16 year olds need to be given responsibility incrementally to prepare them for adulthood.
That means part-time jobs, unsupervised overnights, etc.

I would either come home or let the mum know, only since you have been told she's uptight.

I am surprised so many people here are upset about the thought of 2 16 year olds having a sleepover without adults present though!

Your daughter does seem a lot more responsible than most OP.

Ha! Lulling you into a false sense of security for when you want to book a week away, very clever 🙄
If this even happened, we only know what the OPhas chosen to tell us, to prove that we were wrong...... Just saying

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I am baffled by the people saying that 16 isn't a child. It most definitely IS a child both practically and in the eyes of the law.

^I think most people who are saying this think that when someone wakes up on their 18th birthday, although they’re legally adults overnight, it’s unreasonable to expect them to be able to behave like adults after being treated as children up until that point.
16 year olds need to be given responsibility incrementally to prepare them for adulthood.
That means part-time jobs, unsupervised overnights, etc.^

Oh, I agree with that completely. But that doesn't change the fact that they are still children at the age of 16. There is also a lot of emotional development that happens between the ages of 16 and 18 so it's not accurate to say that 16 year olds are basically the same as 18 year olds.

@Bibidy

I would either come home or let the mum know, only since you have been told she's uptight.

I am surprised so many people here are upset about the thought of 2 16 year olds having a sleepover without adults present though!

I don't think anyone is upset about the thought of two 16 year olds having an unsupervised sleepover. It's the thought of the parents of one of them not knowing that was happening. Can't you see the difference?

But one of those responsibilities that an older teen has to take on board is arranging their plans with their own parents.
Parents of their friends shouldn’t be responsible for contacting to arrange where your 16 year old is, who they are with and what they’re doing.
That’s the part of growing up they need to learn and you’ve got to instil.

I don't think anyone is upset about the thought of two 16 year olds having an unsupervised sleepover. It's the thought of the parents of one of them not knowing that was happening. Can't you see the difference?

Quite honestly, no I can't! I wouldn't be expecting any kind of parental supervision as default when two 16 year olds have plans together, unless it was something major like going away for a holiday. But what I actually meant in my original comment was that I am surprised at the amount of posters on here who wouldn't be happy with their 16 year old having a sleepover without adults present.

I would have thought at 16 if a parent was leaving them alone for the night, the default would be having a friend to stay?

I wouldn't expect it to be kept from the other parent, but equally it wouldn't have even crossed my mind it would be an issue for the other parent at that age unless told otherwise, which OP has been in this scenario.

For those questioning DD's maturity; having it been just her and I for all her life I have probably done her a disservice in treating her like my equal. I have very rarely 'told' her what to do but instead favoured discussions and compromises throughout her life. I can count on my fingers and toes the number of times she has stayed at her father's house or with my family members (who I am mostly estranged from).

Since she went to school full time I have worked 9-5 and since secondary school I have had a promotion and worked longer hours when needed. I have worked throughout lockdown and she has coped on her own, doing schoolwork with little to no input from me. She has been predicted all 7s, 8s and 9s in her GCSEs.

I will come home and she will have done housework without me asking, or have cooked tea or whatever else may be needed.

I can happily give her my debit card to buy something for herself and that is all she will do; she will not go spending willy nilly.

She has several days where I am out 8am - 7pm (which she knows) and never have I come back to chaos. In fact I try and encourage her to be more social but other than her close group of 2 or 3 friends she is not interested.

Until she gives me reason not to trust her then I will treat her with the respect and trust she deserves and has earned