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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
Deedoubleyou · 30/05/2021 13:49

Wow actually scary how much control people exert over their 16 year olds . At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

OP I wouldn't say anything unless the other parent asks you, which I can't see happening. How highly strung do you have to be to check up on sleepover plans for A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD? 🤯

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2021 13:55

As someone who can say none of mine were adults at 16yo I would not be letting my 16yo stay overnight in an unsupervised house. Being alone for several hours is okay but personally I would not have been happy with overnight.

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/05/2021 13:55

YANBU. I have a 15 yo DS and last weekend he went to a friends to sleep over.

I don't know any of his parents friends and so couldn't check if an adult would be there.

We knew where he lives and so I made sure DS had money for a taxi in case of emergencies and left him to it.

He is very sensible as are his mates and tbh you have to let then just get on with it sometimes

Hallyup6 · 30/05/2021 13:55

They may be 16 but 16 year olds can be stupid. They're still children and whilst they may be able to cope, it's still down to their parent to judge that. I'd be absolutely pissed off if I thought my daughter was going to a sleepover with an adult present and it turned out that that adult had buggered off for the night. You need to let the other child's parent know.

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2021 13:56

You also don't know whether there is a reason why the Mum wouldn't (eg medical, and no, 16yo girls don't always disclose things, even to close friends) want her to stay over, or even if it's the dd who doesn't really want to and is using her dm as an excuse.

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/05/2021 13:57

@Deedoubleyou

Wow actually scary how much control people exert over their 16 year olds . At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

OP I wouldn't say anything unless the other parent asks you, which I can't see happening. How highly strung do you have to be to check up on sleepover plans for A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD? 🤯

This, DS said he would have been very embarrassed if I had checked with the friends parents and so I trusted him and didn't.
anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 13:57

@notacooldad

Nobody wants their 16 year old to get married, whether they can or not.

Another unfounded statement. You clearly don't work with the families that I do!😂

Correct. I don't not work won't the families toy work with. However I would take the opportunity to let everyone know that despite you working with families who want their 16 year olds married it is absolutely not the norm in Scotland. Also, most families don't need any intervention, the mere fact you are 'working with them' indicates again, it's not the norm.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to add the laugh emoji at me for pointing this out.

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2021 13:58

.At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

And when mine were that age I would have told them that’s nice and not to bother coming back. Also to solely finance their lives, all expenses, including education from that point on.

OhGodNotThisAgain · 30/05/2021 13:59

Mumsnetters don’t leave their children home alone until the child is 30, op

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2021 14:00

Will add that none of mine felt the need to be married and in social housing at 16yo so I guess that’s a battle I never had to face.

RonSwansonsChair · 30/05/2021 14:01

I can't figure out which way to vote, but I wouldn't be happy with my 16yr old being left without being told. I might be ok with it, but as the parent I would want to make the decision.

OhGodNotThisAgain · 30/05/2021 14:02

And when mine were that age I would have told them that’s nice and not to bother coming back. Also to solely finance their lives, all expenses, including education from that point on

How reasonable

SoupDragon · 30/05/2021 14:02

@OhGodNotThisAgain

Mumsnetters don’t leave their children home alone until the child is 30, op
It's not the leaving alone, it is the lying.
Summersnake · 30/05/2021 14:02

By 16 ,I really didn’t have any contact with my children’s friends parents ,it would seem quite over the top ,if I had suddenly got involved.
Seriously,16 ,not 6 .

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 14:02

I would leave MY child home alone.

What I wouldn't be party to is knowingly allowing another child do so without parental consent. Parental responsibility lasts until 18. Not 16.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2021 14:04

You know its wrong to lie to the mum or you wouldnt be on here asking for justification.

notacooldad · 30/05/2021 14:04

I'm not sure why you felt the need to add the laugh emoji at me for pointing this out
Because it was a broad sweeping statement that you seemed to present as fact.
There are many different communities in the UK that have no issue with their children being married at 16. This includes families that don't need interventions.

I wouldn't want that for my children but plenty of others seem to think it is ok

Pinkylemons · 30/05/2021 14:06

I think you should tell the mum. My daughter is 15 and id defiant to know. It wouldn’t stop me letting her but I’d want to be aware.

Pinkylemons · 30/05/2021 14:09

@Deedoubleyou

Wow actually scary how much control people exert over their 16 year olds . At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

OP I wouldn't say anything unless the other parent asks you, which I can't see happening. How highly strung do you have to be to check up on sleepover plans for A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD? 🤯

Wow, I’m glad my daughter is more respectful! It’s not about control it’s about knowing where your children, yes children, are.
misspattylacosta · 30/05/2021 14:15

Why wouldn't you tell the other mum? Confused

It would have been quicker than starting this thread let's be honest, so if you haven't done it directly, and wasted so much time on MN about it, it's because you do know it's wrong.

So that's your answer, but you already knew that.

confused1974 · 30/05/2021 14:15

Echoing most other posters, I think you can postpone the meeting with your partner to another day (prioritising a man over your child?) so your daughter can have a sleepover

Absolutely not acceptable and I would not be happy with my 16 yo sleeping over in a place with no adults.

Be responsible please

WalkthisWayUK · 30/05/2021 14:15

There is a world of difference in saying ‘I’m such a cool parent I’ll let my 16 year old stay overnight on her own’ and putting that on another parent without telling them.

I’m not really responding to you OP as in more all the posters saying that not letting a 16 year stay on their own for one night is controlling. What rubbish! Some people are very liberal parents. Fair enough. Others are more cautious. There’s a thread at the moment of a 16 year old going off to live with his girlfriend who is scarily controlling, and the parents feel unable to stop him ‘as he’s 16’ and it’s causing no end of upset and pain for absolutely everyone.

Kids don’t magically become grown ups at 16. I left home at 16, as my parents, although lovely, had given up on parenting me at that age, and I had quite a hard time. I grew up determined that I’d be more of a parent to mine - which is not ‘forcing’ it’s ‘providing’ more security. Can make the world of difference to a child’s whole future life.

Justbeenjabbed · 30/05/2021 14:15

This is so easy!
Ring the other mother, ask if she minds. If she doesn’t, great.
If she does, go see your partner another time.
Above board is always best, and this really should be simple to sort out.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2021 14:20

@Deedoubleyou

Wow actually scary how much control people exert over their 16 year olds . At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

OP I wouldn't say anything unless the other parent asks you, which I can't see happening. How highly strung do you have to be to check up on sleepover plans for A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD? 🤯

Well I wouldn't have and nor would my children.

Still my responsibility at that age. I wouldn't have said No, but I would have expected to be asked, not told.

Coyoacan · 30/05/2021 14:21

I know the OP has reached her decision and a good one at that, but I find there is an overuse of the word "child" here.

What are all the dangers that people are concerned about that adult supervision would protect them from?