Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 13:20

@chickenyhead

You have never left your DD overnight, but are willing to now decide this for another mother?????

This isn't real, surely.

Don't be so daft. She's never left her 16 year old before because it probably hasn't come up. A snesible 16 year old will be absolutely fine in a house alone with a friend. It'snot a big deal at all.
Mandsy100 · 30/05/2021 13:20

Yabu. The Mum was uneasy about the sleepover in the first place, so it's common sense that this is something that you would need to inform her about. Why can't dp come to you?

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/05/2021 13:24

It's about being honest and communication

But that communication is between the child and the parent, there's no need for any discussion between the parents at all, 16 year olds don't need their lives arranged by their parents.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 30/05/2021 13:25

The mum has agreed for her daughter to stay over with you there. If you want to spend the night with your boyfriend instead of making sure someone else's child is supervised and safe (as they expect you to do) then either cancel it or ask the other mum if it is ok.

You can make any decision you like for your own child. You cannot make that decision for anyone else's child, no matter what you think of their parenting.
Obviously, if a child is at risk you would be expected to step in and report or whatever, but this isnt an at risk child who needs you to be a responsible adult. This is a child with a parent who has made her own rules and decisions. You dont get to go against that.

Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 13:26

My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar.

converseandjeans · 30/05/2021 13:30

I don't think you should as you have already said that the other mother wasn't even sure about the sleepover in the first place.

Options are:
DP comes to yours and you go out for a meal to chat about whatever you need to discuss
You go another night to DP
DD goes to her friends instead of the friend coming to you

Yes they are old enough to be left - but that's your choice. You need to respect the other parents wishes.

Just reschedule the sleepover to the next night?

AnAwesomePossum · 30/05/2021 13:30

I probably wouldn’t have even thought about it, though without being in that situation (yet) I can only go on what things were like when I was 16.

It was so common at 16 for me to just say ‘mum, best friend is staying over’ or ‘mum, I’m staying at best friends’ and there was never conversations between our parents. Though we practically lived at each other’s houses at that age. It wasn’t that unusual for us to be the only ones in for the night, either. I appreciate that’s a different time though and a particular dynamic.

Though, I do think in this scenario as you know the mother may be uncomfortable about it you need to let her know.

AnAwesomePossum · 30/05/2021 13:32

@Geamhradh

My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar.
That’s far too harsh and would definitely backfire on you if you tried to stop a friendship at 16. Banning sleepovers is one thing, banning friendships?

Also would you not hold your own daughter to account for not coming clean with you (as presumable the friend also knows there won’t be a parent in and doesn’t seem to be volunteering this information to their own parent)?

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/05/2021 13:33

I chose not to leave mine overnight at 16 and I’d be very posses off/livid if you took overruled my decision

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 30/05/2021 13:33

@AnAwesomePossum

That's what it was like when I was that age, and my parents regularly went on holiday for a week or 2 and left us (my 16 and older sister 19) so it really wouldn't be an issue at all, but if my mum knew that another parent felt totally differently, she made sure I didnt go against them or they to deceive them.
I intend to do the same with my kids.

The OP knows that the other mum wouldn't be happy, so is planning to lie by commission. It's really not OK to lie to another parent about something involving their child, no matter how different your parenting styles are.

Womencanlift · 30/05/2021 13:34

YANBU. The summer of our Standard Grades (GCSE equivalent in Scotland) we all went away for the weekend - no parents and it was even a mixed group of boys and girls. Ok a bit of drinking but nobody was really ill, no drugs and nobody got pregnant. All parents trusted us. A sleepover is absolutely fine OP imo. As others have said 16 is nearly an adult and a perfect time to give some independence

HotChoc10 · 30/05/2021 13:34

16! They're hardly babies.

3scape · 30/05/2021 13:34

If your 16 year old was responsible she wouldn't be thinking lying to a parent is acceptable. The idea of having dp at yours or getting home in a cab at midnight sounds a compromise. The other parent might be over the top, they might just know their child better. You can't make that decision you are not the parent.

Confusedandshaken · 30/05/2021 13:35

OP has zero concerns about alcohol or parties. Nor did any of the thousands of other parents who came back to wrecked houses and passed out children.

Sylvan92 · 30/05/2021 13:35

I know a colleague who did this and it all went tits up when the girls over indulged in the contents of the drinks cabinet and the guest got rushed to hospital with alcohol poisoning. The colleague was actually a teacher at the girls’ school so it looked terrible.

Moonwhite · 30/05/2021 13:36

Nekoness if everyone stopped "asking the internet" this forum would not exist. I could ask what the fuck is wrong with you that you made an account on a site that just wastes your precious time?

Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 13:37

@AnAwesomePossum

Unfortunately, I get to decide that if another adult chooses to lie by omission, failing in their safeguarding duties for my daughter, then we have nothing more to do with them.
It wouldn't backfire, because I'd make damn sure I wasn't sending my daughter to spend the night at a house where I had been told there was an adult present and there turned out not to be.
For the record, my DD is 17 and frequently spends the night both at my house, and at her friends with no adults present. The difference is, I don't lie to the other parents, and they don't lie to me.

Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 13:38

@Confusedandshaken

OP has zero concerns about alcohol or parties. Nor did any of the thousands of other parents who came back to wrecked houses and passed out children.
Exactly. And that's the least worst scenario.
Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 13:39

@Womencanlift

YANBU. The summer of our Standard Grades (GCSE equivalent in Scotland) we all went away for the weekend - no parents and it was even a mixed group of boys and girls. Ok a bit of drinking but nobody was really ill, no drugs and nobody got pregnant. All parents trusted us. A sleepover is absolutely fine OP imo. As others have said 16 is nearly an adult and a perfect time to give some independence
That's not the point. The OP isn't asking if it's OK for a 16 year old to be left. She's asking if it's ok for her to lie to the other parent and say she's there when she isn't.
notacooldad · 30/05/2021 13:40

I'd be furious if I was the mum and found out afterwards you weren't there
Furious?
Blimey they are 16 not 6!

Nobody wants their 16 year old to get married, whether they can or not.
Another unfounded statement. You clearly don't work with the families that I do!😂
Some of these comments are unreal
My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar. you would ban your 16 year old daughter from seeing her friend. Jesus wept. That really is controlling
I'm shocked that so many of you need an adult to supervise a 16 year old for one night.

custardbear · 30/05/2021 13:41

YABU - you've already found out that the mum is a bit wobbly anyway about her child staying, you need to tell her, or come back again about 11 ish. You're putting your sex life before the mother's and child's feelings and boundaries

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 30/05/2021 13:44

@PuppyMonkey

All the people saying she could get married in Scotland are making me Grin I don’t know why.
You're obviously not realising that because 16 year olds can get married in Scotland no 16 year has never had an accident, trashed the house, been scared by a burglar, set the house on fire with a stray candle

Keep up, we can all wash our hands of any responsibility for our 16 year olds based on that fact. Presumably Scotland is full of school children with their own homes and responsibilities GrinGrin

SoupDragon · 30/05/2021 13:45

@InTheDrunkTank

Bloody hell. Some mumsnet parents are nuts. At 16 is absolutely the DD's own responsibility to tell her mum where she'll be and who will be there. I wouldn't interfere unless I was actually concerned for her safety.
The whole point is that the OP has specifically been asked not to tell the mother because she won't let her DD come over if she knows.
Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 13:47

@notacooldad

I'd be furious if I was the mum and found out afterwards you weren't there Furious? Blimey they are 16 not 6!

Nobody wants their 16 year old to get married, whether they can or not.
Another unfounded statement. You clearly don't work with the families that I do!😂
Some of these comments are unreal
My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar. you would ban your 16 year old daughter from seeing her friend. Jesus wept. That really is controlling
I'm shocked that so many of you need an adult to supervise a 16 year old for one night.

Spectacularly missing the point.

As I said, my daughter often stays home alone with her mates but I don't lie to other parents about it. Nobody needs an adult to supervise a 16 year old, but decent people expect other parents not to lie to then so they can go off with their bloke.

As safeguarding lead in my school, 16 or not, if the other parent reported this to us, it would be, in MN famous parlance, "logged".

bloodyhell19 · 30/05/2021 13:49

@SatansHelper

Nekoness what the fuck is wrong with you. As pp mentioned at 16 the daughter can go get married in Scotland, can apply for housing, can have a child herself. Where the fuck did I say I'd tell the mum she was too 'uptight'. There's always one isn't there!
OP you literally said

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place.

Therefore omitting to mention that you wouldn't be there is the equivalent to agreeing she's uptight and therefore you wouldn't tell her.

YABVVU and irresponsible. Doesn't matter if you think your child is responsible enough to be alone overnight with their friend - you don't have the right to remove that decision from another parent. I would be furious if another parent omitted to tell me they wouldn't be at the house while my DC was sleeping over.

You can either be back by a reasonable hour or put your daughter and her friend ahead of your DP and stay at home. Or tell the other mum and see how she feels if they're left alone.