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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
IEat · 30/05/2021 12:50

I’d tell the other parent. If they not happy I’d wouldn’t leave and the dp chat would have to wait.
Saying your dd is sensible is setting her up to fail so I wouldn’t say this to the other parent just that your dd is old enough to be left overnight, because if anything were to happen the onus would be on your dd

NoSquirrels · 30/05/2021 12:51

Go to your DP’s on a different night, or come back before midnight, or invite him to yours. I don’t think it’s OK to leave someone else’s 16 year old without adult supervision if you know it would be a problem.

SoupDragon · 30/05/2021 12:53

that was my thought too in that I wouldn't lie about it.

You are deliberately not telling her. That is lying.

SarahBellam · 30/05/2021 12:53

I’d fully expect a parent to be at a 16yo sleepover and if that wasn’t the case I’d expect to be told so we could take an informed decision about whether she would be safe.

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 12:54

Wow YAVVVU

you know that the parent wouldn't agree. Yet you are still considering it????

Do you like it when people undermine your parenting?

PuppyMonkey · 30/05/2021 12:55

All the people saying she could get married in Scotland are making me Grin I don’t know why.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2021 12:55

Yes, YABU, and you know that or you wouldn't have started the thread. You know that the mum will expect you to be there, to not tell her you won't be is deceptive. If you can't be straight about what you are doing, you shouldn't be doing it.

"I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over."
Does it really have to be the same night? Really?

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 12:57

@PuppyMonkey

All the people saying she could get married in Scotland are making me Grin I don’t know why.

Because it's a piss poor argument Grin

Nobody wants their 16 year old to get married, whether they can or not. Just the same as some don't want to leave them overnight without an adult at a friends house.

SmileyClare · 30/05/2021 12:57

I agree with the above, sorry. I think you should put dd and her friend first and stay home on this occasion. Particularly as those plans were made first. .

I'm sure the girls would be absolutely fine, probably delighted for you to go out(!) but it just complicates the original plan and might make things difficult.

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 12:58

@PuppyMonkey

All the people saying she could get married in Scotland are making me Grin I don’t know why.
Because she is neither in Scotland, nor getting married I assume Grin
underneaththeash · 30/05/2021 12:59

Just go and see you boyfriend another evening.

PrtScn · 30/05/2021 13:00

Personally I don’t see a problem leaving sensible 16 year olds overnight, but I would certainly ensure the other parents were happy with that. It will only come back to bite you in the butt otherwise.
Alternatively go to DP’s for the private chat but make sure you are back home before midnight so that they aren’t left overnight and you all get some space.

EssentialHummus · 30/05/2021 13:00

Just come back the same night. You can go stay over with DP some other time, presumably, all being well between you.

All great that your DD is responsible but if her friend invites another dozen of her mates along and calls it a party... ergh.

CruCru · 30/05/2021 13:01

Please tell the mum that you won’t be there. Realistically, if she is already a bit funny about having her daughter stay over and then finds out that it was unsupervised, she’ll never let her stay over ever again.

Something has jumped out at me - this will be the first time that you’ll have left your daughter but you’ll be okay with it because her friend will be there. If I were the other mother, I’d be uncomfortable with the idea that my daughter might be expected to supervise yours (even if that is not your intention).

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/05/2021 13:03

YABU. You have to ask? Your boyfriend is your priority, you need to be honest with the other girl's mother.

Onceuponatime1818 · 30/05/2021 13:04

See your partner another evening

See you partner then drive home at 11ish

Ask the other parent if that’s ok with them

Your partner comes to yours

Chat to partner on phone

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/05/2021 13:10

I wouldn’t have had a second thought about this. They’re sixteen. They’d be old enough to have their own flats, baby’s and get married if they wanted.
Going by some of the responses on this though, I’d mention it to the mum. I wouldn’t have had any idea how “furious” it would make some parents but there you go.

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 13:10

Bloody hell. Some mumsnet parents are nuts. At 16 is absolutely the DD's own responsibility to tell her mum where she'll be and who will be there. I wouldn't interfere unless I was actually concerned for her safety.

BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 13:12

Being left in the day or getting married in a different country is irrelevant.

You have invited the child to your home. The reasonable assumption being you're there.

Either let the mother know you won't be or actually be there!

What a thing to be teaching your own child, that lying by omission is acceptable and to be encouraged.

Will you be so pleased when on the receiving end?

Hop2it · 30/05/2021 13:12

I would definitely tell the parents that no adults will be there. Does not matter if they are 16. It's about being honest and communication.

Loopylobes · 30/05/2021 13:12

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

In two years this girl could be living alone at uni, and people are freaking out over a couple of 16 year olds spending a night with no adults?

I mean the kids probably won't be back after living away and realising how weird their parents are so all the control freaks out there had better make the most of it. Hmm I find kids from households like that tend to vote with their feet as soon as they're able to.

In two years is not now.

Maybe the friend will rebel in the future and maybe she won't. It's not really anybody else's business.

The important thing is that the other parent knows the truth.

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 13:14

You have never left your DD overnight, but are willing to now decide this for another mother?????

This isn't real, surely.

HostessTrolley · 30/05/2021 13:15

Are you friends with the other mum or in regular contact? If so then I’d mention it in conversation l, if not then I’d leave it up to your daughter and friend to sort it with the other mum and use their own judgement. If they were 11-12 I’d feel differently but at their age, especially if they’re sensible, I’d let them handle it.

I’d tell them that you’ll probably be home but theres a chance you might not, and to not put that info out among their school friends as if you come home to a party then you won’t be trusting them again.

motogogo · 30/05/2021 13:18

I wouldn't be happy if I allowed my 16 year old to go to a sleepover then found out that the parent(s) weren't there after 10pm or so (fine to be out earlier) without telling me. Actually I did leave Dd2 overnight at that age but she was very sensible and it was to do something with her older dsis who had asd (one of the reasons Dd2 was so grown up) but that was my calculated choice and other parents might not agree

OhSayWhat · 30/05/2021 13:18

The fact that you suspect the other parent is ‘uptight’ is exactly why you should tell her or change your plans. You don’t get to make parenting decisions for the other child.

Couldn’t you go to DP’s to chat privately then either come home or he stay at yours? It’s not difficult to solve really.

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