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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2021 16:02

It sounds like you've raised her really well tbf OP, this was just a rare occasion that involved being put in the compromising position of being dishonest to another parent you knew would take issue with this. I don't think that means you broadly trusting your own daughter is a bad thing at all!

Bibidy · 01/06/2021 16:12

@SatansHelper Your daughters sounds fab and you sound like you've raised her with a great level of independence, which has resulted in her being highly capable.

I don't think you would've been doing anything wrong at all in leaving her overnight or her friend either. As I said above, at that age I wouldn't expect parental supervision for most things anyway.

SueSaid · 01/06/2021 16:13

' this was just a rare occasion that involved being put in the compromising position of being dishonest to another parent you knew would take issue with this. I don't think that means you broadly trusting your own daughter is a bad thing at all!'

Yes it's like pulling teeth isn't it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 16:15

@JaniieJones

Yes it's like pulling teeth isn't it.

And you don’t seem to get that those of us who disagree don’t think it is her responsibility to inform the parent

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 01/06/2021 16:23

How lovely that your daughter is so responsible, still not your decision to make about somebody else's child though
Respect that

SueSaid · 01/06/2021 16:24

'And you don’t seem to get that those of us who disagree don’t think it is her responsibility to inform the parent'

Of course it isn't her responsibility, her dds friend should tell her mother there won't be an adult about as the other parent is 'uptight'. Keeping it secret should never have been considered.

The op should forget her sermons about trust and just help her dd develop some communication skills.

LindaEllen · 01/06/2021 16:27

If you've been asked not to because the girl's mum wouldn't like it, then of course you need to let her know. Her daughter is a child.

Blueskytoday06 · 01/06/2021 16:30

Can you not face time DP? You can do both then - sort out issues with him and be there for the girls ?

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/06/2021 18:03

The point isn't the leaving them it's the other parent not knowing. Common courtesy that is all, all you had to do was tell your dd's friend to let her dm know.
This
the objection was to you letting the mum assume you were home just because it would benefit your child.

Disingenuous to overstate at the the "not letting 16 year olds sleepover on their own"

Once the mum is aware you won't be home the responsibility is rightly with her.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/06/2021 18:09

For those questioning DD's maturity;

I am in a similar situation and know my child most of the time and have given them more responsibility than other's might, But still I would not knowingly hold information from my child's friends parent if I knew

my way was not their parenting style. And in this case the reason was because you didn't want your child to be alone - but this point is skirted around.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 18:14

@JaniieJones

'And you don’t seem to get that those of us who disagree don’t think it is her responsibility to inform the parent'

Of course it isn't her responsibility, her dds friend should tell her mother there won't be an adult about as the other parent is 'uptight'. Keeping it secret should never have been considered.

The op should forget her sermons about trust and just help her dd develop some communication skills.

I still disagree. The girl is 16. It’s her responsibility to inform her mum.

tigger1001 · 01/06/2021 18:36

@Geamhradh

My daughter would be banned from ever having anything to do with her friend again. And that would because of you being an irresponsible liar.

Must admit I don't get this attitude. Surely in this scenario the one lying would be the teenager who is deliberately not telling their parent that their friends parent isn't going to be home? The one lying is the teenager by not telling their parents.

Or if the parent feels so strongly about it why would they make assumptions rather than check themselves with the parent in question?

tigger1001 · 01/06/2021 18:48

@Heifer

I would have been furious if I hadn't been told - but not with the hosts Mother, with my own daughter for not telling me!. It's not your job to parent the other child.

My DD is 17 so only a year older, I haven't had contact with her friends parents since they started Y11, before then, yes I would have mention to all the parents if I knew they were going somewhere that not all the parents were aware of (happened) but once they go into Yr 11 I figured it was up to girls to keep their parents informed and their parents to ask the right questions.

Totally agree! It's the daughter who is lying to her parent.

My eldest is 15 and I don't know all his friends parents. If he lied to me then that's on him. And it's him that would face the appropriate punishment for that lie. If I wasn't comfortable at him going on a sleepover then it's up to me to approach the parents and ask the questions or say no/tell them no to the sleepover and I would collect at x time.

Bibidy · 02/06/2021 10:25

I still disagree. The girl is 16. It’s her responsibility to inform her mum.

Completely agree, and also agree with tigger above - at 16 lots of people don't even know the parents of their children's friends so would have no contact at all.

The only reason why I think OP had to step in here is because she had been specifically told the other parent wouldn't be happy and asked not to tell her. Under those circumstances I would have told DD that her friend must tell her mum otherwise she can't stay (or done what OP did do and come home).

Otherwise I wouldn't expect a parent to get involved with any plans like this between 16 year olds.

beingsunny · 02/06/2021 10:37

I think at 16 they are fine to be left alone overnight.

To cover myself I would let your DD know you may be out overnight and let the girls manage this. If the friend wants to tell her mum that's in her court, you aren't facilitating a play date for two six year olds.

I'd be surprised if you even had a contact for the other girls mum. Don't they usually organise this stuff themselves?

fashionablefennel · 02/06/2021 10:42

I think at 16 they are fine to be left alone overnight.

I still don't think that's remotely the point.

fashionablefennel · 02/06/2021 10:46

I am also amazed by the way various threads go in completely different directions on this forum.

On one thread, a mother is left "shaking with rage" and posters are falling over themselves to sympathise and be "outraged, shocked and fuming on her behalf" because a teen girl is given a lift back home by the FATHER.

On this thread, teens go on sleepovers in houses where no one knows the parents, or anything and anyone in that house.

Weird.

ThursdayWeld · 02/06/2021 10:46

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

In two years this girl could be living alone at uni, and people are freaking out over a couple of 16 year olds spending a night with no adults?

I mean the kids probably won't be back after living away and realising how weird their parents are so all the control freaks out there had better make the most of it. I find kids from households like that tend to vote with their feet as soon as they're able to.

People are not "freaking out" about them not having an adult present at the sleepover.

They are pointing out that OP should tell the other mum.

ThursdayWeld · 02/06/2021 10:48

OP, surely you can meet with your DP a different night?

This is a big thing for your DD. If you're there, it all goes ahead smoothly as planned. If you're not there, all this drama starts.

KaleSlayer · 02/06/2021 10:52

The sleepover is...over! 🤣

Bibidy · 02/06/2021 10:52

@fashionablefennel

I think at 16 they are fine to be left alone overnight.

I still don't think that's remotely the point.

I do think it is quite relevant though because obviously the age of the children would influence whether, in OP's shoes, you'd feel you needed to tell the other parent you wouldn't be around. Many people would feel 16 is old enough to spend the night at home alone or with a friend so wouldn't even think to go out of their way to alert the other parent.

Obviously OP did come home anyway though so it's not an issue and she did the right thing, given the other parent's feelings.

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