Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 30/05/2021 14:22

If the sleepover was arranged before your partner invited you over then you prioritise the sleepover and you stay home. Surely you can see your partner another evening.

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 14:25

@notacooldad

I'm not sure why you felt the need to add the laugh emoji at me for pointing this out Because it was a broad sweeping statement that you seemed to present as fact. There are many different communities in the UK that have no issue with their children being married at 16. This includes families that don't need interventions. I wouldn't want that for my children but plenty of others seem to think it is ok

Oh right. So you were actually just laughing at me rather than just posting your point like a mature adult. Cheers.

Heifer · 30/05/2021 14:29

I would have been furious if I hadn't been told - but not with the hosts Mother, with my own daughter for not telling me!. It's not your job to parent the other child.

My DD is 17 so only a year older, I haven't had contact with her friends parents since they started Y11, before then, yes I would have mention to all the parents if I knew they were going somewhere that not all the parents were aware of (happened) but once they go into Yr 11 I figured it was up to girls to keep their parents informed and their parents to ask the right questions.

PuppyMonkey · 30/05/2021 14:31

What are all the dangers that people are concerned about that adult supervision would protect them from?

Well, for one, as we've now established, they could easily nip to Scotland and get married. Grin

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 14:36

The fact you ask this OP.... i would not want my child to stay at your home with or without you present

mariemare · 30/05/2021 14:37

I think given what a shit year it's been for schoolchildren, allowing the DD and her friend to celebrate together has to take priority, no matter how rocky the OP's relationship might be with her DP right now. If things are meant to be, he'll understand why she has to prioritise her DD on this occasion. They can talk things through another night.

I wouldn't ask the other mum, because her answer is obvious. Instead, I'd just cancel my own plans and stay home, discreetly staying in one part of the house.

catgirl1976 · 30/05/2021 14:39

Can’t believe people saying sixteen is an adult. It most certainly is not.

user1487194234 · 30/05/2021 14:41

I wouldn’t lie but would not tell the other parent

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/05/2021 14:41

Honestly?
I wouldn't be happy if I found out that you had left the 2 girls alone while you went over to your DP's, whatever the reason.

I would have expected you to let me know that you weren't going to be there, OR to change your plan so that you were there.

YOU might have no concerns, but obviously the other mother does, and she may have reasons for that which you are unaware of - doesn't give you the right to ride roughshod over them.

I see you've said now that you will return in the evening after seeing your DP - this is better but you should still tell the other mother that you will be leaving the girls on their own for a few hours. And if she doesn't agree to that, then YOU should change your plans with DP, pick another night, because it's your DD's end-of-GCSE celebration and you should let her have it.

TheQueef · 30/05/2021 14:41

What are all the dangers that people are concerned about that adult supervision would protect them from?

An empty.

notacooldad · 30/05/2021 14:47

Oh right. So you were actually just laughing at me rather than just posting your point like a mature adult. Cheers
No worries
As I said you posted your opinion as if it was fact which it clearly isn't. That is ridiculous.

81Byerley · 30/05/2021 14:48

Having recently had a conversation with my daughter about some of the things she and her friend were getting up to at 16 (not criminal, just irresponsible) I'd say don't be too sure about your daughter and her friend...you never know! I'd have said my daughter and her friend were quiet and sensible!
That isn't the point though. Don't spoil it for your daughter and her friend, just stay in that night.

misspattylacosta · 30/05/2021 14:48

@Sometimesfraught82

The fact you ask this OP.... i would not want my child to stay at your home with or without you present
the whole OP is dreadful

DD more responsible than I sometimes I can't stand those parents who think they are young and fun. No, you are a parent, however much you try to hide it, and thinking it's cute.

and the so-called "relationship" between the 2 friends.. Honestly.

In any case, it really doesn't matter if my own 16 yo was staying home alone. If the kids are alone in somebody else's house and can organise a party or whatever they want, I want to KNOW about it.

OverByYer · 30/05/2021 14:56

At 16 I wouldn’t be having contact with parents of other children to arrange things, I would expect the child to have those conversations with their parents.

OwlBeThere · 30/05/2021 14:57

At 16 I had my own place and a full time job. Aw well as being in school.
16 is not a child, it may not be quite an adult but you don’t suddenly wake up mature on your 18th birthday, my 16 year old is exponentially more sensible than I’ve ever been.

intor · 30/05/2021 14:58

@Deedoubleyou

Wow actually scary how much control people exert over their 16 year olds . At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

OP I wouldn't say anything unless the other parent asks you, which I can't see happening. How highly strung do you have to be to check up on sleepover plans for A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD? 🤯

At that age I wouldn't have even asked my parents to go to a sleepover, I would have told them I was staying out.

Presumably you were also earning and funding your own life and accommodation since you were so independent. No child of mine would be doing this though, at sixteen they bloody well will not be TELLING me anything.

Bumzoo · 30/05/2021 15:02

Of course you need to tell her if you think it might be an issue.

newnortherner111 · 30/05/2021 15:02

I think you should say to the friend's mum. Even if you think her views are unreasonable.

Regardless of your wish to have time alone with your DP, which is perfectly understandable.

newbrother · 30/05/2021 15:05

YANBU - they're 16! I left home three months after I turned 16! A perfectly normal age to be left alone and I'm surprised the friend has put up with their mum setting such a ridiculous boundary at that age.

cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 15:08

She 100% needs to know (and I'm pretty lax)

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 15:11

@OwlBeThere

At 16 I had my own place and a full time job. Aw well as being in school. 16 is not a child, it may not be quite an adult but you don’t suddenly wake up mature on your 18th birthday, my 16 year old is exponentially more sensible than I’ve ever been.
Down the coal mines by any chance?
Hawkins001 · 30/05/2021 15:14

All the best op

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 15:14

Sooooo I have to take it from this thread, that in 2 months when DD is 16, I cannot have any say at all in what she does. In fact, I can even assist her friend in lying to her mum.

Wow!

Or, I can say that saying, what is it...."my house, my rules" end of story.

DeathStare · 30/05/2021 15:15

It's completely irrelevant whether people on here would leave their 16 year old so there is no point everyone on here arguing about it. You know that THIS mother probably wouldn't be happy with it so you have to tell her. Whether that makes her over-protective or uptight is irrelevant- it's her child and it's her decision to make. She is legally responsible for her child until that child turns 18 (you can't join the army or get married at 16 without parental consent by the way) so it's her call, whether you or anyone on mumsnet agrees with that call or not.

NeedNewKnees · 30/05/2021 15:17

It's not your place to undermine another parent's boundaries for their teen.

If it's the only day they can have the sleepover and the other parent objects, clearly you can't stay with your boyfriend that night. Or move the sleepover to a day you're available.