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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 30/05/2021 10:36

She friend ???? You mean woman? I’d be fine with it unless he had form for cheating

Sirzy · 30/05/2021 10:37

Personally I wouldn’t have an issue. He is meeting a friend for a coffee.

Unless you have some sort of issues which mean you don’t trust him then I wouldn’t be jumping to suspicion

DeathStare · 30/05/2021 10:38

If she was a man from his hobby who he was now meeting socially how would you feel? Or if she was a lesbian?

Unless you have reason to believe that he is cheating then hes doing nothing wrong or suspicious

pasturesgreen · 30/05/2021 10:39

Do you never ever meet male friends for coffee, OP?

Unless there's a massive drip feed of him having previous form for cheating, I think you're being OTT.

Cuntryhouse · 30/05/2021 10:39

I would absolutely hate it and my dh would too. Probably too much time on here! But it's also just the way we're built. We're not jealous, possessive etc, but I think this would feel uncomfortable for both of us.

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2021 10:40

You are ridiculous. I have male friends that I have shared interests with. No thought of cheating on either side.

Re her being attractive, someone I worked with was having a torrid affair with a woman who was overweight and at least ten years older than him. Attractiveness doesn’t come into it.

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 10:40

In theory, he's done nothing wrong. But having been cheated on three (yes three) times after being the cool wife or girlfriend in this situation I wouldn't be quick to be okay with this.

Saying that, what can you do? Forbid him??

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:41

I'll be fine with that too but weekly coffees makes me feel a bit jealous...
He is not a cheater man but we have been through our ups and downs like many couples.

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 30/05/2021 10:41

I know it's popular to say that this is OK but I don't think it is. If my DH is spending good times with another woman , I'm not happy about it. ( I suppose I'm biased because my experience with this led to him having an affair with the "friend" .)

If they were friendly within the context of the hobby, that's one thing, but to pursue it when the hobby isn't happening, just the two of them , well that takes some organising, making a date etc which takes it into the realm of a relationship. In your situation I'd be concerned .

3scape · 30/05/2021 10:42

You need to calm the hell down. They are friends.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 30/05/2021 10:42

I have a couple of very good male friends who I meet for coffee occasionally. I would be horrified if my husband suspected I was cheating. He always knows that I am meeting them and where. Only reason he doesn't come with me is he would be bored by our conversations as they tend to relate to topics not of interest to him.
Can't say whether your DH is cheating or not obviously, but wanted to make a point that it is possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex.

StopSayingDueDiligence · 30/05/2021 10:44

I wouldn't like it.

ghostyslovesheets · 30/05/2021 10:45

I hate this phrase ‘cool wife’ it’s so patronising- I have never been a jealous person and it just wouldn’t bother me - not trying to be cool or popular Hmm

CounsellorTroi · 30/05/2021 10:45

My DH met a former colleague, female, for coffee the other day. I am fine with this. He has a few former colleagues he is still in touch with. The female ones he meets for coffee, the male ones for a pint in the evening. He wouldn’t go out for a drink alone with a female friend though.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:47

Wow so many responses! Thank you! I guess this is going to be a very interesting mix of opinions so reading with interest. All your comments help. x

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 30/05/2021 10:47

I have to admit if he was seeing a female friend regularly I might not like it. It’s only once in a while.

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2021 10:48

I am not a jealous person so believe that men and women can be friends. I have male friends and I’d be appalled if my husband took issue with it becayse he was jealous. Foe me that would be his issue to deal with and he shouldn’t make it mine.

The issue here isn’t he goes for coffee with his mate. The issue is you’re jealous and insecure

Peachesarepeach · 30/05/2021 10:50

Hmm, in theory I wouldn't have an issue with this but I think the weekly frequency might set off some questions. Is he someone who would usually meet friends with such regularity? Neither my husband or I see anyone near that frequency (tho I accept we might be the weird ones) so if he suddenly started to see a woman weekly for a chat I'd be surprised.

Aprilwasverywet · 30/05/2021 10:54

Does he take you out weekly for a coffee? One on one time with you should figure in his priorities also.

ChoccyLatte · 30/05/2021 10:55

I wouldn't be ok with this. Invite yourself along

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 10:57

I’m quite long in the tooth so maybe a bit old fashioned but in my opinion emotional/physical affairs have to start somewhere and I would say a cozy coffee every week would be a prime opportunity for two people to get close and develop feelings for each other.

FuckyouCovid21 · 30/05/2021 10:59

Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/05/2021 11:00

But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.

So it’s problematic because she’s attractive and smart? Would you be fine with it if she were ugly and stupid?

redcarbluecar · 30/05/2021 11:01

I don’t see anything wrong with it per se, but perhaps talk to him if it’s worrying you a bit.

Wbeezer · 30/05/2021 11:01

I am of the same opinion as those who are concerned about the frequency of the coffees, you can imagine him looking forward to them and thinking about them in between. I can also well imagine a man developing feelings without being self aware enough to realise.
Having a shared hobby is a good way of building a connection between couples after all.
Of he likes chatting about his hobby he can do it on a forum or twitter until the activity is back on.
You are alliwed ti feel uncomfortable about this if its got your spidey senses tingling, you know your DH and can probably detect very subtle changes in his demeanor etc.
He should at least be willing to have an item chat about your feelings without being dismissive and be honest about how he would feel if the situation was reversed.
Does he ever take you out for a coffee and chat?

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