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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
ElizabethTudor · 30/05/2021 11:03

@ChoccyLatte

I wouldn't be ok with this. Invite yourself along
Oh come on, really? Op this is your issue. Your husband has a female friend. The operative word being female. This doesn’t mean anything untoward is or will happen. Just like if you had a male friend. Platonic male / female friendships can exist.
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 11:04

#FuckyouCovid21
"Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed"

Exactly!

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/05/2021 11:06

Affairs happen because the people having them make an active choice to have them, not because people didn't keep their spouses on a short enough leash and prevent them having the opportunity.

Let's just assume for the moment that the DH is attracted to this woman and is minded to betray his DW and marriage vows. But his DW doesn't like the coffees. Now affair doesn't happen, everything is cool? Suuuuuure. If he wants to have an affair, he'll lie, and see her secretly, and use his DW's "control" as a further excuse.

I have male platonic friends I see for coffee, lunch, drinks and I would have zero time for DH banning me from doing it. (not least because it's an important component of networking in most fields - women are hugely disadvantaged if they can't socialise solo with men.) Either your spouse is trustworthy or they aren't, you can't make them so by imagining you're taking away their opportunities or "temptation".

cupsofcoffee · 30/05/2021 11:06

A "she friend"? Wow.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/05/2021 11:09

How would you feel if he banned you seeing your friends?

You say you know he's not cheating so what actually I'd your issue?

User629202 · 30/05/2021 11:13

‘She friend’ 🤣

I’m of the view that men and women can be friends. I’m also of the view that anyone who uses the term ‘she friend’ is not going to take a reasonable or balanced view.

sailmeaway · 30/05/2021 11:14

He has a friend, who happens to be a woman. It's not weird but some women are insecure I suppose. I have male and female friends, gay and straight, and DW has no issue with me seeing any of them. Old or new.
I have a male friend who's GF was so jealous of our going out occasionally that he ended up meeting me but fibbing to her where he was. Which was ridiculous. I'm a gold star lesbian but she as so insecure she hated that he had a female friend.
we're still good mates, she's long gone, and his wife thankfully is a lot more sensible.

nonevernotever · 30/05/2021 11:15

I wouldn't have a problem with this. Both Dh and I have both male and female friends that we meet separately and regularly and usually on an individual basis because that's how we know each other . Dh gets no more worried about me meeting my former personal trainer and now friend for lunch than he does about me meeting any of my female friends, and vice versa. And I really don't care if he's looking forward to meeting a friend. I love him, I trust him and I want him to enjoy life. That doesn't mean he can only enjoy himself in my presence. If he had cheated or I suspected he wanted to, I might think differently but as it is, its not an issue for either of us. I don't think how long they've known each other is relevant either. How can you police people's friendships and whether they enjoy (socially) the company of someone they've just met?

BarbedBloom · 30/05/2021 11:22

I wouldn't have an issue with this and neither would my partner. I am bi sexual so if he did, it would potentially mean I couldn't have any friends at all. I can understand the wariness though if it is a newish friend.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 11:27

I guess my insecurities are the issue here.
Most of the comments are OK with his friendship and I feel a bit embarrassed but this is it.
Although I think I have the right to feel puzzled because is a tricky situation due to the consistency and frequency of the meetings.

OP posts:
gobackanddoitproperly · 30/05/2021 11:28

My husband hasn't ever had female friends. Not close ones anyway. So yes, I'd think it odd. Particularly if they were such good mades and yet I hadn't been introduced.

Northofsomewhere · 30/05/2021 11:30

@Aeropostale2021

#FuckyouCovid21 "Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed"

Exactly!

So if you're married until you die in your 80's or 90's he can never make another female friend? You are being super unreasonable here. They clearly have a shared interest that they've based a friendship on (it happens, I have plenty of male friends as well as female) and want to carry on that friendship while they can't meet for their hobby.

You admitted to feeling jealous - what are you jealous of? She's successful? Attractive? Funny? Or just that she's spending time with your husband? If you're jealous of the time they spend together then you can talk about it with him and find ways to spend more time together without excluding his other interests and friends.

Touloser · 30/05/2021 11:32

If the situation was reversed, and a woman said her husband objected to her having any form of friendship with the opposite sex, people would scream he was abusive.

Cushionsnotpillows · 30/05/2021 11:33

Occasionally, absolutely fine and normal.

Weekly? Hmmmm.

How often does he take you out for coffee and chat OP? Weekly?

I think your senses may be tingling for a potential reason so just be aware.

Redact · 30/05/2021 11:33

If it was once in a while I'd be ok but weekly meetings then I would feel like you op. I don't have time to have weekly meetings with my own oldest friends let alone a fairly new acquaintance I'd met through a hobby. With my own friends we normally keep in contact via WhatsApp, only catching up face to face every so often. The friend who I would meet most often for coffee as we live fairly close, we aim for once a week but that probably works out on average every third week as we navigate around full on work and family responsibilities.

Onceihadaname · 30/05/2021 11:33

I guess jealousy is pretty normal if you feel he is growing closer to someone and further away from you, but it isn't compulsory to have sex with someone else because you share interests. If it was me, I'd probably explain to dh that I feel jealous but know that is irrational, so just ask that for your sanity could any meetings stay in public venues for the foreseeable future while you get used to it. Also, I'd consider if you could be included socially so she can be a mutual friend rather than an untrusted stranger...
As long as you and dh talk honestly & openly to each other then I can't see how she could be a threat to your relationship.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2021 11:35

If she's like his sister, then you are her sister in law, so why can't you go too and get to know her?

donquixotedelamancha · 30/05/2021 11:43

There are plenty of nutters here on MN who will tell you that the opposite sexes can't be friends- all posting here will do is fuel your paranoia.

IRL most people have friends of both sexes and if you progress to trying to control who he can see that is emotional abuse.

Tigertalk · 30/05/2021 11:43

Does he have other female friends? Does he meet his other friends weekly?

Horehound · 30/05/2021 11:46

As soon as the "sister" line is rolled out, I'd be worried.

Advic3Pl3as3 · 30/05/2021 11:49

I don’t understand stuff like this. To my autistic brain it is really simple.
If you’re not okay with it then you don’t trust him. Without trust there is no relationship so get rid of him and find someone you do trust.

He is probably not doing anything wrong, and it’s ok if you don’t trust him, but if you don’t you never will so what is the point?

donquixotedelamancha · 30/05/2021 11:49

I am bi sexual so if he did, it would potentially mean I couldn't have any friends at all.

The same people who advise LTB for speaking to a member of the opposite sex also advise LTB for being bi- so you are good :-)

ViciousJackdaw · 30/05/2021 11:50

I'm a gold star lesbian
I love this phrase! I have a gay male friend who was born via CS, he claims to be 'platinum'.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/05/2021 11:51

As soon as the "sister" line is rolled out, I'd be worried.

You should probably address your feelings for your sister with a professional. For most of us it means they are not sexually attractive.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/05/2021 11:51

'Like a sister' would be a red flag for me. My dad used to say this to my mum when entertaining other women