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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
cosima8 · 03/06/2021 17:24

“That's pure bullshit though, and you're very narrow minded.”

Well excuse me Confused for thinking this was a forum where people can speak from their own experiences. Why so defensive?

Moelwynbach · 03/06/2021 20:17

I genuinely never understand the MASSIVE issues that some people o n this forum have with someone meeting an opposite sex friend for a brew. If people are going to cheat they'll cheat and life is too short to constantly be suspicious!

KatChocolate · 03/06/2021 21:20

I don’t think it’s to do with ‘going for a brew’ that is the MASSIVE issue here, I think the MASSIVE issue here is going for a Costa, every week with a person the DH met through a hobby! Not a long term friend here, a person who shared a hobby, hobby stopped due to Covid, hobby still not on, decides to meet up regardless!

Ok!

JamieFrasersAuntie · 03/06/2021 22:53

I genuinely never understand the MASSIVE issues that some people o n this forum have with someone meeting an opposite sex friend for a brew. If people are going to cheat they'll cheat and life is too short to constantly be suspicious!

It's not about a brew as you well know.

It's about a random from a past group becoming such a close friend he refers to her as a sibling. It's about him having kept that friendship secret from the op and deleting messages.

For those of you who are ok with your spouses having secret friendships with other women, crack on.

And to a pp, like a sister doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck her. Otherwise he would refer to all women he doesn't find attractive as his sister wouldn't he. Which would be weird.

NickD87 · 03/06/2021 23:01

The problem is, if you make a drama then you’re the bad person - stopping him seeing a friend. Don’t be that person! It’s a weekly coffee. Is he staying out late? Is he disappearing? Is his time unaccounted for? Does he lie about going to meet her? Sounds like none of this....so I would let him get on with it and be happy he has found a friend with shared interests.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 03/06/2021 23:14

I wonder what must go on in other people's houses for this to sound normal.

H ) I'm meeting Jane on Tuesday for a brew.
You) Who?
H) Jane from the hobby who I haven't seen for over a year.
You) Oh is the hobby back on?
H) No but we've grown really close. I enjoy talking to her and she's like a sister to me. We're going to meet up regularly. Just us without the other group members.
You) That's lovely dear, have a nice time.

Not one of you would ask how they've become so close if they haven't seen each other in a year? You wouldn't be even a little bit curious why your husband hadn't mentioned his wonderful new friend for a whole year?

I would find it very odd if my husband didn't mention a new male friend for a whole year! Especially if they were so close they were " like brothers".

jimjambob · 03/06/2021 23:15

Unfortunately, hes deffo cheating on you.

Mahrezis · 03/06/2021 23:18

Other than voice your concerns, there isn’t really a lot you can you do.

TellmewhoIam · 03/06/2021 23:53

Are there 2 issues here? One, the husband possibly being secretive or spending an untoward amount of quality time with someone else. Two, the OP's odd expression 'She-friend', which makes me worry the OP herself does not have, or is not allowed to have, a range of good platonic friends of whatever sex (or sexual orientation), male, female, straight, queer.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 04/06/2021 00:08

#NickD87
Is he staying out late? NO Is he DISAPPEARING? NO Is his time unaccounted for?NO Does he lie about going to meet her?NO Sounds like none of this....so I would let him get on with it and be happy he has found a friend with shared interests."

I must admit you had a point in there...

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 04/06/2021 00:10

#JamieFrasersAuntie

You have made a point too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 04/06/2021 00:16

Thank you everyone for all the messages. I'm still in two minds about the whole situation but you have been there for me and I'm very grateful.

OP posts:
LouKelly · 04/06/2021 00:27

Seriously ,any woman who believes a straight man can be friends with a straight woman without his intentions being sexual is an idiot ,women can be friends with men but most men ,i mean 99.999 per cent of men wouldnt give a woman the time of day unless he thought he might get to shag her ,all men reallllly only want one thing from women ,maybe food as well as sex so thats two things ,any woman who thinks otherwise is deluding herself ,no , im not kidding ,they are aaaall dogs .

MsDogLady · 04/06/2021 06:20

Well, he hasn’t lied about meeting her, but he has been deceitful about the true nature of their relationship. Sister? Hardly.

And he has been deceitful in developing a close connection with this hobby woman during lockdown while keeping OP completely in the dark. They must have messaged frequently, but he deleted everything except a few messages that have a secretive and complicit tone.

The above adds up to an agenda of subterfuge, and the new 1:1 meetings are a ramping up of what began during the hobby and continued during the past year. He is giving off an energized vibe about meeting her next.

MasterBeth · 04/06/2021 09:33

@LouKelly

Seriously ,any woman who believes a straight man can be friends with a straight woman without his intentions being sexual is an idiot ,women can be friends with men but most men ,i mean 99.999 per cent of men wouldnt give a woman the time of day unless he thought he might get to shag her ,all men reallllly only want one thing from women ,maybe food as well as sex so thats two things ,any woman who thinks otherwise is deluding herself ,no , im not kidding ,they are aaaall dogs .
You OK, hun?
MasterBeth · 04/06/2021 09:39

And to a pp, like a sister doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck her. Otherwise he would refer to all women he doesn't find attractive as his sister wouldn't he. Which would be weird.

OK, so you think the OP’s husband is trying to show this is all OK by saying “I feel such intense closeness to this person that it feels we have known each other all our lives”? That sounds reasonable to you?

Nah, I think he’s telling the OP that he doesn’t think about fucking her.

Swannest · 04/06/2021 09:49

All I am saying is that I happily accepted the DH/“friend” meetings for coffee, quick drinks after work sometimes, the odd cinema visit. I knew my DH’s ‘work sister’. She and her husband stayed at our house for weekends. We even sent each other little gifts for birthdays and things. I never questioned that a man and woman couldn’t have a platonic friendship. Maybe they can. But this one wasn’t and when I was told after 2 years of “just being friends” that it had become a proper affair I was totally devastated.
Don’t risk this OP. It’s an awful experience.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 04/06/2021 12:46

OK, so you think the OP’s husband is trying to show this is all OK by saying “I feel such intense closeness to this person that it feels we have known each other all our lives”? That sounds reasonable to you?

Men don't rate women's attractiveness by rating them as sisters or non sisters. We all know they don't.

KatChocolate · 05/06/2021 09:49

I’ll always advise listening to your gut instinct!

I listened to mine and pieces of the puzzle started to fit together.

The relief that I wasn’t going mad, that I wasn’t a neurotic, jealous crazy partner was absolutely outshone by the deceit but still, I felt a sense of peace within myself that I just can’t explain, knowing I was right all along made me not question my feelings ever again.

If something about this whole situation doesn’t feel right to you, and you’re not normally one to feel jealous or insecure, then chances are there might be something more than friends going on.

Moelwynbach · 05/06/2021 20:17

@LouKelly do you know 99.9999% of men ? God you must have an amazing memory.

tentimesaday · 26/04/2022 10:44

@Aeropostale2021 Aeropostale2021 I'd love to know what happened with your husband and his she-friend situation. Update please! ;-)

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