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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
Femme99 · 30/05/2021 13:29

I was happy with my husband to have female friends, until I saw the content of their messages, which were crossing friendship territory.

Looubylou · 30/05/2021 13:30

Weekly!! Does he see all of his friends this often? How does he have time for you? I don't like the "sister" bit either, it makes her sound a bit too special, if not someone from eg college days. Don't be made to feel bad for this ringing bells- it might be innocent, but you have a right to explore it further. What effort does he make for social time with you on weekly basis????

Tohaveandtohold · 30/05/2021 13:34

Do you as a couple go out regularly for coffee or do things in common?.
Because that’s what will help me gauge this.
DH and I have kids and we both work with no grandparents, etc around so we rarely go out alone for coffee, etc without the kids present. This is something we do rarely when we both take annual leave for the same day and both kids are in school or childcare.

In my situation, if DH has a female friend and they’re meeting weekly for coffee then that won’t be on at all. This is something I want to be doing with him but we rarely do and I won’t be happy about it.

I’ll be fine with their hobby opening back up and they meet there or do things relating to the hobby that I’m not part of but making arrangements to meet outside of that won’t sit well with me.

Tohaveandtohold · 30/05/2021 13:35

And I’ll feel the same way if it was a male friend

Phrowzunn · 30/05/2021 13:41

I’m really old fashioned / traditional. I feel like this is hugely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. I would not socialise alone with another man who wasn’t my husband and hold him to the same standard. In a group of friends, fine, one on one with another man, fine, but not him and another woman on their own, essentially on a date. I know it’s not a very modern way of thinking but I do just think it’s inappropriate. That’s just how I feel!

ChristmasFluff · 30/05/2021 13:48

Easy way to find out.

Partners normally don't give a shit about you meeting their friends, and in fact they normally quite like it.

Suggest going along to one of these coffees. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

HedgehogPJs · 30/05/2021 13:49

I think upon getting married it’s not just about promising to be faithful but it’s also about not allowing yourself to be in situations / relationships where being unfaithful could be on the cards - does that make sense? You don’t just live how you lived before but promise to try not to accidentally fall for someone else, you have to actively live in a way that doesn’t encourage new romantic relationships to foster. So basically not date people. If you have found the one you have decided to spend the rest of your life with.. stop looking!

grapewine · 30/05/2021 13:50

You really need to take a breath. They're friends.

He should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without you calling the woman weird names.

DoingItMyself · 30/05/2021 14:01

OP, don't doubt yourself for a minute. As soon as he could, he started meeting up with her? Pfft! If he's not on with her yet, he wants to be.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/05/2021 14:01

An occasional meeting with an old friend is no issue for me. My DH has female friends and I have male friends and we might meet up once every few months for a coffee/ drink/ maybe dinner even. These are people the other one has met, often got their own partners and kids where we might all sometimes meet up or meet up alone sometimes. I have zero issue with that kind of meeting.

I have one male friend where I am not allowed to meet him on his own because his wife forbids it which I do find a bit tragic on her part. He is an ex but it's 20 plus years ago and definitely no romantic feelings either way. We all meet up together with our spouses and families and so would have thought she can see that but anyway that's their rules (I think it's a blanket rule and not just me) and I abide by them.

A weekly meeting with a new person who I don't know is a different thing though and something I would not be OK with. I would ask to be introduced. All go out together sometime or invite her over and see what you think. I reckon you would be able to tell if there is anything dodgy.

I also think it's the aspect of how much time he gives to this friendship vs you. If DH was meeting a male friend one to one on a weekly basis I think I would not be too keen on that either as it takes away from quality time together.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/05/2021 14:02

@GabriellaMontez

A weekly coffee.

This is a date.

Not a catch up with a friend who happens to be a woman but feels like a sister. Blah blah.

I dont know your circumstances but who has time for a weekly coffee with a friend?

Well clearly he does. He must really prioritise his time with her. How does this for in with your shared life OP?

OP, do you get one on one time with your DH, without any interruptions, eg DC? Does he take you out for coffee, or anything, weekly?

If not, why not? Because a weekly coffee could give the space for a relationship to grow, even if that's not in his mind right now.

QioiioiioQ · 30/05/2021 14:05

You need to get a He-friend and see how he likes that

TurquoiseDragon · 30/05/2021 14:09

I should clarify, I mean the space for a relationship to grow with the friend.

I just don't think people should be giving friends more one to one/quality time than they give to their partners. Meeting in groups is a different dynamic. You're not getting close and building intimacy, you're chatting with everyone, and chats tend to criss cross one another, so again, not really leading to intimacy, ime

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 14:10

For those who were asking, yes fortunately or UNfortunately he has the time for doing anything he likes, hobbies, sports, social meetings, etc. He successfully had and early retirement and leads a privilege life. We both have a nice life and I'm very thankful for that.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/05/2021 14:14

@Dogoodfeelgood

Listen to your gut if you’re not feeling comfortable with this. I don’t meet even my best girl mates every week - this would be a red flag for me. Men and women can be friends but a weekly cosy 1:1 coffee is just too risky in my opinion. Maybe it’s innocent at the moment but it’s prime opportunity for someone to catch feelings. I’d ask to join!
Same here.

OP, I wouldn't be happy with this either, and the frequency is just far too ...... well, frequent.

I am with the invite yourself along brigade. Their reaction to this will tell you all you need to know. If it is all innocent then they won't mind. If it isn't then it might just put a stop to the meet-ups.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 14:14

#QioiioiioQ

"You need to get a He-friend and see how he likes that"

Yes haha! Thats a good idea lol

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 30/05/2021 14:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Panaesthesia · 30/05/2021 14:19

@pasturesgreen

Do you never ever meet male friends for coffee, OP?

Unless there's a massive drip feed of him having previous form for cheating, I think you're being OTT.

Obviously she doesn't.

But then looking around the general vibe of Mumsnet threads, very few female posters seem to be of the ilk that they go on lunch and coffee dates with male friends, and they rarely report their male partners go out for coffee with females.

It tends to be a thing people SAY is acceptable but don't often do themselves.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 30/05/2021 14:20

@Aeropostale2021

#FuckyouCovid21 "Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed"

Exactly!

So you’re not allowed to make new friends when you’re in a relationship? I really don’t understand this paranoid way of thinking.

If your partner is a good partner, pulls his weight, spends time with you, spends time with other friends why does a new person in his life pose such a threat? If this new woman is obviously paired with secrecy, dwindling interest in you, new clothes / hair / gym attendance (the usual red flags) then of course you would have reason to question it, but if he is genuinely acting like he does with his other friends I’m struggling to see an issue?

Qwqqtttr · 30/05/2021 14:23

I wouldn’t like it.

It is possible men and women can be friends. I wouldn’t know it’s never worked for me.

Occasional meet ups are ok but no guarantees it will stay platonic if they continue to meet weekly in the absence of their hobby.

Sorry but I would ask him to limit it to once monthly. If he refuses he’s already too close to his friend and firmer action is probably necessary.

pringleslover · 30/05/2021 14:24

In my experience I can honestly say that every male friend I have ever had has tried to hit on me at some point despite me not giving any encouragement. Married, partnered or not!

Coyoacan · 30/05/2021 14:35

I'll so glad I'm no longer a smart good-looking woman and yes, my male friends still find time to see me.

If you don't trust your husband OP why are you with him?

TheCanyon · 30/05/2021 14:36

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Dh has gorgeous lady friends, I have good looking male friends.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 30/05/2021 14:41

Canyon have you met these gorgeous friends of his? Or does he meet them away from you and describe them as a sibling?

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2021 14:49

IMHO, a woman can be friends with a man and not want to have sex with them, but a man is more likely to be wanting to have sex if the opportunity arose.
When I was working in Banking I had lots of married male friends that I had lunch/drinks with who would have shagged me (I'm not stunning!) if I was that way inclined. I wasn't, but there were plenty if other women who did.
It's all down to whether you are in a happy secure relationship and he would not cheat. My DH is not interested in having a female friend- he said he's worried they could misconstrue friendship for something more. His worry, not mine.