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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
TheLastLotus · 30/05/2021 15:12

@Panaesthesia from the threads most people do, but not on a regular basis. People have busy lives and most dont have time for a weekly date night let alone regular one on one coffee chats. I’ve personally gone out for meals with only one other person only if I hadn’t seen them in a while or we were doing something niche (e.g I only have one other friend male who is interested in sake bars. Sake is expensive so not worth it for someone uninterested to come along ).

However OP and her husband are retired so he may have more free time. The thing is does OP’s husband meet with other people as well alone for coffee?

JamieFrasersAuntie · 30/05/2021 15:15

I don't think any of the people saying you are unreasonable would be at all happy with their spouse developing a close exclusive friendship with a woman they compare to a sister who they've never met that completely excludes them and the rest of the family.

Friends get treated like friends. They are introduced to the family and other friends or they pop round for barbecues and things like that.I can imagine my husbands face if I declared I would now be having a weekly coffee with a random man from a hobby and by the way we've grown so close he's like a fucking brother. And No, other members of the hobby won't be there.

Op you need to consider how the dynamic has changed from being in a group about a shared interest to an exclusive friendship that has grown so emotionally close he considers her a sister.

To become so emotionally close there must have been a lot of contact, and they must be sharing a fair amount of personal information. Because you don't get emotionallly intimate with somebody without doing those things.

At this point it is not about the shared hobby. If it was, other members of the group would be invited along too. As it is they've been excluded like you have been. Because these coffees are about being alone.

Emotional affairs have certain ingredients that normal friendships don't have, intimacy , secrecy and excessive contact. Did you know they were having excessive contact and had grown so close?

FlyingSoHigh · 30/05/2021 15:22

If it is in character for him to have female friends that he meets up with, I wouldn't worry. If this is a new thing and only with her, I would be worried.
Do you meet up with male friends? How does it usually work in your relationship.

Cuntryhouse · 30/05/2021 15:36

You're not jealous possessive people but neither of you can meet with friends of the opposite sex because you would hate it.Think you might need to reconsider the definitions

But the situation has never arisen so we've never been those things. We didn't come into the relationship with friends of the opposite sex.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/05/2021 15:37

I think that's the weird thing that no-one else from the hobby group is invited to these coffees. If it was a regular meet up in a group as a replacement for the hobby session then no issue. Lots of choirs and things have had zoom meet ups and then in person meet ups to keep in touch but the exclusivity of it and the frequency is something to worry about I think.

I would possibly think it odd that it was just this one hobby friend he had. DH plays in a band with some men and some women and they have still met up whilst not allowed to play but if he just wanted to meet one of the women I would find that suspicious. I probably wouldn't even mind if it was an occasional thing with one friend but a very regular 1:1 is just a bit off.

CanICelebrate · 30/05/2021 15:42

I have a good male friend that I meet regularly for coffee and we are genuinely just friends. Both happily married, met at a mutual hobby and liked each other enough to remain friends. I think if there are no other worrying signs then I’d be inclined to take him at his word.

(I am slightly worried you’re my friend’s wife as the details/ time line of this situation sound very familiar Blush )

littlejo67 · 30/05/2021 15:50

My husband has numerous female friends he meets up with. Not an issue for me.

OrangeRug · 30/05/2021 15:59

I would be ok with it as long as nothing feels 'off'. My husband meets up with a woman he used to work with and they get lunch and look round the shops.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 16:28

I don't want to be disrespectful regarding age but let me remind you that he is a 49 years old retired man. If he were 79 I would have been less concerned...

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 16:31

#CanICelebrate

Don't worry I can tell you we are not related x

OP posts:
Figgyboa · 30/05/2021 16:32

It wouldn't bother me. Your DH is allowed to have friends

ICanSmellSummerComing · 30/05/2021 16:37

I agree a friend before marriage yes but I'd be deeply unhappy about this.. I'd struggle to cope with it esp every single week.

What else do you know about her?

ICanSmellSummerComing · 30/05/2021 16:40

In fact dh did meet a neighbour friend at hobby recently recently and my mind did run to them having an affair and what we do about the houses and where to live as we are on the same close!

That was ridiculous of me though.. They have not met as friends yet and if he suggested meeting her I would know it came from her as its not something dh would suggest

Qwqqtttr · 30/05/2021 16:40

Pringleslover - same here. I am very average looking, straight (it’s relevant) and not a bit flirty. Every straight male friend (including those married and in a relationship) has hit on me at some point.

I am consequently sadly very suspicious of most male-female friendships.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 30/05/2021 16:44

@MrsSchadenfreude

You are ridiculous. I have male friends that I have shared interests with. No thought of cheating on either side.

Re her being attractive, someone I worked with was having a torrid affair with a woman who was overweight and at least ten years older than him. Attractiveness doesn’t come into it.

Ummmmm unless she was unattractive, being overweight and 10 years older doesn't come into it. Geez, fatphobia and ageism in one sentence, some people really show themselves on here Hmm
SpnBaby1967 · 30/05/2021 16:46

The sport I do is extremely male dominated, we all train together.

I also go out and socialise with my male friends from that sport. Everything from coffee dates to pubs. We also message each other regularly. My DH doesnt question it, doesnt feel jealous and if he did, well, that's his issue not mine.

My husband trusts me. I trust him.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 16:47

#JamieFrasersAuntie
Than you, I really liked your message.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 16:47

Thank you!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 30/05/2021 17:04

Invite yourself along to share their innocent social coffee and chat.
You'd love to spend more time with your husband's sister; family innit.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 17:32

I know right? ;)

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/05/2021 17:47

I wouldnt be happy. Perhaps I'm paranoid or immature but no I wouldnt be cool with female coffee friend

OlympicProcrastinator · 30/05/2021 17:58

I actually don’t think it matters what other people think because everyone is perfectly entitled to set their own boundaries and have their own feelings about things. I was called juvenile and insecure because I agreed with an OP a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be happy with my DH telling an ex she looked stunning. But I couldn’t give two hoots because it’s my relationship and my boundaries. I’m not insecure at all, probably because my DH doesn’t go meeting women for coffees and calling them stunning Grin

Everyone’s lives are different OP. Their lifestyle’s, social norms, emotions, expectations and boundaries are all so varied. The only thing that matters is that you feel uncomfortable with it. If this was a normal and expected occurrence in your marriage then you wouldn’t feel the way you do. It’s ok not be ok with it, even if half on MN would be fine. It’s not their marriage.

SummerWhisper · 30/05/2021 18:00

I think you should bear in mind what @JamieFrasersAuntie said and tell your husband he should invite her round to meet the family. If she's a friend of his, she's a friend of the family. If he struggles with this, then you know that he has started to compartmentalise her into 'affair' material. You can then genuinely question the time he is giving to this woman. Two, three hours a week? What about time spent with you and the children or household tasks he is neglecting in favour of being with her. He really needs to understand the path he is on. If she does come round, then you will see the dynamic between them and whether he cannot wait for her to meet the you, love of his life, or whether he expects you to wait on them but be excluded from their in-jokes etc.

georgarina · 30/05/2021 18:06

YANBU

Even if it started off innocently it could be the start of a slippery slope. It's better to have boundaries so things don't end up veering into inappropriate territory.

A weekly coffee date with a new female friend would not be ok with me.

Occasional coffee with a longtime female friend? Different story.

jacks11 · 30/05/2021 18:25

@DeathStare

If she was a man from his hobby who he was now meeting socially how would you feel? Or if she was a lesbian?

Unless you have reason to believe that he is cheating then hes doing nothing wrong or suspicious

I agree with this. If he were meeting a male friend in the same circumstances would it be a problem for you?

If it would not be an issue, then your next question is: do you trust your husband? Do you think he is attracted to her/would start an affair if given the opportunity? If you don’t trust him/think he is looking to have an affair, then I think the fact he has a female friend is the least of your problems and you need to address the lack of trust in your relationship.

If you do trust him, generally speaking, is there something specific about this friend that causes you concern (other than the fact she is female)? Do you believe that your husband is having an affair?

If not, and really your only issue is that she is a woman, then I think you need to recognise it as YOUR issue and work on that.

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