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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
Bloodypunkrockers · 30/05/2021 11:52

Ffs

She friend

Ive got a couple of male friends. I know their wives but guess because I'm old, fat and ugly, I'm not a threat.

I would feel really sorry for them if I thought their wives were so controlling over their friendships

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 11:53

@Aeropostale2021

I guess my insecurities are the issue here. Most of the comments are OK with his friendship and I feel a bit embarrassed but this is it. Although I think I have the right to feel puzzled because is a tricky situation due to the consistency and frequency of the meetings.
I don't agree. A lot of people have questioned the amount of times they're meeting up. Regardless of same sex friendships being okay, a weekly meet up is a lot.
whosappleman · 30/05/2021 11:54

Has he ever had a friend before who he meets weekly? For most people this is a lot same sex or otherwise

1FootInTheRave · 30/05/2021 11:55

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all.

My view is biased as ive never had a male mate that hasn't tried to shag me tbf.

Blondiney · 30/05/2021 11:57

I’d hate it. Not a fashionable view but I’m a realist, unfortunately.

Horehound · 30/05/2021 11:57

@donquixotedelamancha

As soon as the "sister" line is rolled out, I'd be worried.

You should probably address your feelings for your sister with a professional. For most of us it means they are not sexually attractive.

I don't have a sister Confused but it's, in my experience, what a guy says when he does want a relationship or sex with the female friend. It's said as a "oh she's so not sexual to me that I see her as a sister"...lie, lie, lie. Red flag alert! Lol
ScottishNewbie · 30/05/2021 11:58

I'm not a "cool girl"... it wouldn't be happening in my relationship. Best not to put yourself in temptations way. I know that men and women can be platonic friends, but in my experience, it's rather common for one party to develop feelings for the other at some point.
Childhood friends are completely different.
Both my partner and I just like to stick to basic guidelines like not meeting the opposite sex alone regularly in a casual setting unless for work.
But every relationship is different and you have to follow your instincts!
You have every right to be cool....or not, with it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/05/2021 11:58

@ghostyslovesheets

I hate this phrase ‘cool wife’ it’s so patronising- I have never been a jealous person and it just wouldn’t bother me - not trying to be cool or popular Hmm
It's not patronising. It's fucking insulting. It's rolled out when "sisterhood" aka "shut up and don't even breath close someone else's man" doesn't work.

I have no issue with dh having female friend. I have male friends. I can control my genitals not to end up near their genitals.

Catswithflamingos · 30/05/2021 11:59

WTF is a she friend?

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2021 12:00

The term “cool girl” is intended to put anyone down who doesn’t agree with rhe poster. It’s laughably transparent.

GabriellaMontez · 30/05/2021 12:04

A weekly coffee.

This is a date.

Not a catch up with a friend who happens to be a woman but feels like a sister. Blah blah.

I dont know your circumstances but who has time for a weekly coffee with a friend?

Well clearly he does. He must really prioritise his time with her. How does this for in with your shared life OP?

Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 12:06

There's a lot of threads like this one and nine times out if ten the OP updates with the DH has been shagging her. They were hiding in plain sight. There are men who are good friends with women they don't fancy, but they are rare. Most men will admit that there has to be a level of attraction, even if they never act on it.

TheLastLotus · 30/05/2021 12:06

YANBU OP - one person (alone) for coffee every week is a very high level of commitment. The fact that it’s a woman is doubly suspicious.

However before jumping to conclusions - what is your DH like? Has he got form for liking coffee meetings? If he does then he could be nothing.

My DP for example hates one-on-ones and would never do such things , even going out he prefers big groups so if he started it would 100% be a big red flag. Really depends on the pattern

Skyla2005 · 30/05/2021 12:08

I'm guessing she's not a 60 year old frump ! If you get my drift

AntiSocialDistancer · 30/05/2021 12:08

@Cuntryhouse

I would absolutely hate it and my dh would too. Probably too much time on here! But it's also just the way we're built. We're not jealous, possessive etc, but I think this would feel uncomfortable for both of us.
You're not jealous possessive people but neither of you can meet with friends of the opposite sex because you would hate it?

Think you might need to reconsider the definitions.

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 12:10

@Ponoka7

There's a lot of threads like this one and nine times out if ten the OP updates with the DH has been shagging her. They were hiding in plain sight. There are men who are good friends with women they don't fancy, but they are rare. Most men will admit that there has to be a level of attraction, even if they never act on it.
This
Summersnake · 30/05/2021 12:11

Well
We had this
Turned out my dh thought they were friends
But the woman had other ideas ...nearly ended our marriage.
Glad to say it didn’t,but neither of us have friends of the opposite sex now .

TheLastLotus · 30/05/2021 12:11

Also OP most posters banging on about male-female friendships are ignoring the main issue which is as you said the sheer FREQUENCY.
No way would I want to meet any one person, male or female every week like clockwork just for coffee. Without a related activity or reason.
It’s a lot of effort.
I’m sorry but the trust with your spouse is probably gone at this stage. Unless he agrees to stop seeing her and goes cold turkey which he probably won’t.

Summersnake · 30/05/2021 12:13

I also think if it’s so innocent they won’t mind you coming along to ,in fact the woman will be pleased to meet you ,if she’s just a friend,she will be glad to make another friend,won’t she ????

Seesawmummadaw · 30/05/2021 12:13

I meet with male friends, Dh meets with female friends. We also go out with each other.
Both have some really attractive friends.

Do you go out just the two of you?
If not Could this be the issue? Making time for her but not you?

CounsellorTroi · 30/05/2021 12:15

@Skyla2005

I'm guessing she's not a 60 year old frump ! If you get my drift
Horribly ageist post.
Lampzade · 30/05/2021 12:17

I wouldn’t have a problem with dh having a close female friend
I would have a problem with weekly coffee meet-ups with said female friend.

I wonder how dh’s husband would feel jf she had weekly coffee meet-ups with some intelligent, gorgeous looking man.

tolerable · 30/05/2021 12:20

Its all about trust.
its also about what special time does he pencil in with you-weekly.
cant beat a tantrum

TheVamoosh · 30/05/2021 12:23

Every week? That's a ridiculous amount to see someone, in my opinion.

Does he also leave you with childcare and household stuff while he goes on all these coffee dates?

RedRec · 30/05/2021 12:24

I would hate it, OP, especially if he met her after me, as in your case. You are not overreacting.