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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
whosappleman · 30/05/2021 12:26

@CounsellorTroi It never is though is it? The female friend? They're never old and frumpy.

TDogsInHats · 30/05/2021 12:30

I would not like this at all. I think if it was an occasional thing, say two or three times per year then not too bad (although I still wouldn't like it)
Every week? No chance.
Do you go out for coffee/drinks with your husband every week?
I can see why you're not sure about this.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/05/2021 12:32

[quote whosappleman]@CounsellorTroi It never is though is it? The female friend? They're never old and frumpy.[/quote]
Most people's friends tend to be about the same age as them. None of my male friends are 60. That doesn't mean I want to fuck any of them.

I also have to wonder where bisexual people, like say me, fit into all of this. Do I just not get to have friends at all?

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 12:36

That's part and parcel of the considerations that go in to dating a bi sexual person isn't it?

I'm bi sexual and if I was meeting a hot, intelligent person every week for coffee it would be because I wanted to potentially shag them. I wouldn't do it if I was in a relationship

Campervanna · 30/05/2021 12:36

@ChoccyLatte

I wouldn't be ok with this. Invite yourself along
This^^ If everything is quite innocent surely they would be pleased to include you in their meet up.
Alexis21 · 30/05/2021 12:38

No it's not okay to meet another woman for weekly coffees - weekly ? Have you asked to join them ? I would not be happy and it has nothing to do with whether he had form for cheating

Only on Mumsnet would you find people telling you it is ... I bet if it was their partner they wouldn't say it's okay.

Blankspace101 · 30/05/2021 12:43

The problem here seems to be you not them. Have you considered getting any help?

Fairyliz · 30/05/2021 12:43

I wouldn’t like it because in my experience men only meet up with women on an individual basis when they fancy them.
I get on fine with several of my friends husbands when we meet up in a group, we often have a lively discussion or good laugh.
However it would be weird meeting up with them individually.

Sunflowers095 · 30/05/2021 12:50

@Aeropostale2021

#FuckyouCovid21 "Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed"

Exactly!

But are people not allowed to make new friends of the opposite sex once married? That's a bit ridiculous.

You're allowed to feel however you want to feel about it, but acting on it would be really controlling. You either trust him or you don't but no point punishing him in advance by limiting his friendships/social circle.

OhSayWhat · 30/05/2021 12:51

I wouldn’t like it.

Sunflowers095 · 30/05/2021 12:52

@Campervanna actually it would be beyond weird to invite yourself along.

It comes off as really desperate and intrusive. Instead of having a normal conversation they'll spend the full meeting trying to accommodate talking about topics that might interest you, introducing you, etc. It's a completely different dynamic than just a friend with a friend!

If you don't trust someone enough to have to invite yourself over to their meetings why be married to them at all?

Diverseopinions · 30/05/2021 12:56

Well, trying to meet with her too, would be good. You may feel more reassured about her, and the energy you feel seated between them might make sense to you as a friendship energy. Perhaps you could all have lunch together, or she could join a little group of you in doing something related to the hobby.

Dogoodfeelgood · 30/05/2021 13:00

Listen to your gut if you’re not feeling comfortable with this. I don’t meet even my best girl mates every week - this would be a red flag for me. Men and women can be friends but a weekly cosy 1:1 coffee is just too risky in my opinion. Maybe it’s innocent at the moment but it’s prime opportunity for someone to catch feelings. I’d ask to join!

Nbnbnb · 30/05/2021 13:03

Perfectly fine.

Calamaribabe · 30/05/2021 13:04

Why doesn't he invite her to your house now and then? After all, that's what we do with our friends. Why not have a little barbecue, invite her and a couple of other single friends and see what the vibe is between them.

Wbeezer · 30/05/2021 13:06

^^ what i was trying to say but said more succinctly.
(Dogoodfeelgood's post)

cupoftea2021 · 30/05/2021 13:08

Jealously is such a wasteful emotion I just do not understand it.
I would look at it as a friendship and a open honest one without threat.
I adore and enjoy my male friends perspective I do not enjoy the comments we talk to much or what is going on by the small minded amongst us.
Friendships like this I see as like a sibling.
You would be surprised how often they talk fondly of the wife about wanting time together or the big picture stuff and how much loyalty many have quietly which I really admire.
Some of us feel safer with a married man less sleaze more genuine friendships, it can be so.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 30/05/2021 13:12

He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all

The like a sister comment is quite common in cheaters and I'd be alarmed by it.

I think it's an attempt to lie that they are not sexually attracted to them but actually it goes further than that.Because he's telling you they are much closer than normal friends, they are so close in fact that they are more like siblings. It's weird and inappropriate, and he's openly telling you this isn't a normal friendship.

I'm another one who got stung with the female friend who's like a sister bullshit so I'm afraid I wouldn't have any tolerance for his ridiculous dates with his pretend sister.

If you're uncomfortable op address it now. I imagine they will be having excessive daily contact.

There's a big difference between a healthy friendship and a weird pretend sister relationship that excludes you and your family.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/05/2021 13:12

@Aeropostale2021

#FuckyouCovid21 "Old standing friend not a problem, new friend he'd met since he'd been with me, I'd be a bit miffed"

Exactly!

This just sounds bonkers.

Essentially once you're in a couple you can't meet new friends?! Old friends were new friends at one point too. What if you move away and lose friendships,is it ok to make new friends then?

CaseBasket · 30/05/2021 13:13

In all honesty I would hate this.

Scottishskifun · 30/05/2021 13:18

I honestly don't get what is wrong here other than your own insecurities.

People can and do have friends of the opposite sex without jumping into bed with them!
DH has more female friends than male I often joke he has a hareem! Not bothered in the slightest I trust him and he's a completely open book who can't lie for toffee!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/05/2021 13:21

@Peachesarepeach

Hmm, in theory I wouldn't have an issue with this but I think the weekly frequency might set off some questions. Is he someone who would usually meet friends with such regularity? Neither my husband or I see anyone near that frequency (tho I accept we might be the weird ones) so if he suddenly started to see a woman weekly for a chat I'd be surprised.

@Aprilwasverywet

Does he take you out weekly for a coffee? One on one time with you should figure in his priorities also.

^

Both of these for me. Do you have a weekly coffee/walk/time with him. Does he see any other friend with that frequency? My alarm bells would be ringing. An occasional once a month thing ok-the weekly thing that is not based on the hobby but rather on the fact they want to spend time together no. If he is putting more energy/free time into their relationship than yours, then he is taking that energy and time and thought away from yours and is more of an emotional affair-which then leads to everything else.

Actuallyabitgreynow · 30/05/2021 13:23

Fucking hell. Every Sunsay morning I meet a male friend for a walk round the park with my DS (he is childless). If my DP complained about this (especially if he called him a He-friend) I'd laugh in his face and walk away.

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 13:24

@Actuallyabitgreynow

Fucking hell. Every Sunsay morning I meet a male friend for a walk round the park with my DS (he is childless). If my DP complained about this (especially if he called him a He-friend) I'd laugh in his face and walk away.
But different if your son is there
EBearhug · 30/05/2021 13:27

I'd probably be miffed about the frequency - if they went for a coffee after a weekly meeting, it wouldn't bother me as much, probably because if the meeting was on, either would still go, if the other couldn't - but currently, there's no actual meeting. Monthly would seem less unreasonable - but also it depends on whether you get to go out and have coffee with a friend or friends every week, and also if the two of you often go out together. If neither of those were happening, I'd be very pissed off at making frequent, regular time for a friend when I couldn't, and if he was doing that for a friend but not me. And for that reason, I'd probably be pissed off if he was meeting a male friend every week. But there's nothing wrong with making new friends of either sex at any age.