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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/06/2021 09:21

@PigGondola

I agree, *@partyatthepalace*. But I’ve seen (with incredulity) as an accepted commonplace from a number of posters on other similar threads that they considered going to the cinema as ‘date territory’. Hmm
Yup. I think we all remember the widow thread...
KatChocolate · 03/06/2021 09:54

I think you have to listen to your gut and rather than believing you’re being ‘jealous’ or ‘paranoid’ you’re gut instinct is telling you something is ‘off’ especially if you’re not normally jealous or insecure.

FWIW I wouldn’t like this either, meeting up for a hobby, no problem, having a drink after the hobby, no problem, meeting up outside of the shared interest EVERY WEEK, yes, I would have a problem.

As they’ve grown so close and she now feels like a sister to him, invite her over for lunch. I think it would be good for you to meet her.

KatChocolate · 03/06/2021 09:58

I’d also be tempted to ask MN to move your thread over to the Relationship board.

SandAndSea · 03/06/2021 10:10

I think you should listen to your instincts and feelings here. Something is 'off' for you and that's worth acknowledging. It's also important to note that you seem to be having trouble talking to him normally about this.

I'm not a particularly jealous person but I can remember feeling insecure in a couple of previous relationships and in hindsight, I think I was right to feel that way - I was picking up that they weren't fully committed to me.

I wonder if asking these questions would help:
Are you included?
How would it be if you wanted to go along too?
How about asking her and her husband for dinner?

I think if it's all innocent, they should welcome including their partners at times too.

MasterBeth · 03/06/2021 10:30

Re: “like a sister”.

Some posters feel it’s problematic that the OP’s husband describes her like this because they think “like a sister” means “extremely close.”

But I think he is saying “like a sister” just means “don’t want to fuck her.”

Skysblue · 03/06/2021 10:49

I’d hate it but ignore it.

I’ve had many male friends in the past who I’d meet for a drink etc. Nothing ever happened.

But…

Looking back there was a kind of inappropriate sexual tension / emotional support bubbling away in several of those friendships, and they tended to occur when my relationship was long distance.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 03/06/2021 11:03

I'd join a gym full of fit men and go there weekly while he's on his coffee dates. You'll work on your self esteem and distract yourself from the coffee situation if nothing else.

WobblyMelon · 03/06/2021 11:28

I don’t understand why op can’t have an honest conversation, I feel a bit uncomfortable about this friendship because of deleted texts, weekly meets, sister thing ( I mean how long has he know her to get that close?) him getting so excited to see her etc
I do believe you can protect a marriage to some degree from affairs happening. You don’t have to be horizontal and cool about everything. If the roles were reversed how would he feel? Have the conversation op and if your spidey senses still tingle try to meet her or just say you’re not comfortable and what will he do about it to protect your feelings

Peach01 · 03/06/2021 11:29

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

I'd join a gym full of fit men and go there weekly while he's on his coffee dates. You'll work on your self esteem and distract yourself from the coffee situation if nothing else.
Yes!

Wonder how he'd feel if you met your own new male "coffee buddy" whom you met over a shared interest of the gym.

Does he contact her a lot when you're together OP?

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 03/06/2021 12:30

"But I think he is saying “like a sister” just means “don’t want to fuck her.”

That's what he suggested but I know she is pretty so...hard to believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 03/06/2021 12:32

Coffee is not happening this week but will be the next week. It seems like at least is not a weekly "date" after all. I'm relieved.

OP posts:
JamieFrasersAuntie · 03/06/2021 12:57

Op have you any idea about how often they are in contact?

SkiingIsHeaven · 03/06/2021 13:34

I would be fine with it but I know my DH would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Double standards.

soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 14:06

@Aeropostale2021

"But I think he is saying “like a sister” just means “don’t want to fuck her.”

That's what he suggested but I know she is pretty so...hard to believe.

If you think your DH wants to fuck every attractive to woman he sees, your marriage is doomed. Do you want to sleep with every attractive man you see? Are you incapable of taLking to s good looking man without fantasizing about them?
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 14:08

What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend treat him like an adult and not an over-sexed dog on heat who has to try and shag every woman he knows??

Do you work op? Do you talk to any male colleagues or so you make a point of only having SHEfrineds?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/06/2021 14:21

He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him. I used to be on an infidelity forum after my ex cheated. Referring to affair partners as "like a brother or sister" was surprisingly (and creepily imo) common. For me that would be the main red flag but that's a personal thing.

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 14:34

OP, you know this is off. I’m sure people will be falling over themselves to tell you how paranoid you are, “I have so many male friends - “my boys” (bleurgh) - and it’s all sooo platonic...” etc etc. Well that may be, but generally, in a male / female “friendship” where at least one if them is reasonably attractive, there is always something more to it, at least for one if them if not the other as well. Never have I had a male “friendship” where, if I’m totally honest, I didn’t know, deep down they fancied me a bit. On my side, even if I didn’t fancy them in a physical sense, there was something there that appealed to me - maybe a connection or “frisson” or something? Basically, all my male friendships have been total disasters or car crashes waiting to happen. I don’t bother anymore because it never works. I think people who don’t admit to this are fooling themselves tbh. So YANBU to ask him not to go.

MasterBeth · 03/06/2021 14:59

I agree that there is often a “frisson” between male and female friends. That doesn’t mean you actually want to shag them in real life.

Bluedeblue · 03/06/2021 15:08

Funny how these women are always young and attractive. Hmm

I suspect that he wouldn't be so keen for weekly coffees if she was his Mums age.

soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tentimesaday · 03/06/2021 15:55

OP, how would your OH feel if you were meeting a male friend for coffee every week or two? Strangely, this would be a key issue for me. If he would be completely happy with you getting together with a male friend every week in this way, then I think I would be ok with him doing it.

I actually have a slightly similar situation. What irks me is the double standard. My OH meets a female 'hobby friend' quite frequently for coffee. I actually do not mind, but I know that the shit would hit the fan if I began doing that (I don't have any outside the home hobbies, so not likely!!!). He doesn't even like it if I go out for coffee with a female friend. It's the double standard that upsets me.

SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 16:07

On 9/10 of threads like this one the wife is right to be worried/concerned. The DH’s age, the fact that the friend is pretty would both be alarm bells for me. This could be the start of the equivalent office emotional affair but a retired version of it. Like others have said it’s extremely rare that a man has a new friend who is an eighty year old overweight woman.

OhYouDontSay · 03/06/2021 16:16

He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him

Yeah because no one has ever used that line before.

paniniswapx3 · 03/06/2021 17:23

I think you need to take control as @JamieFrasersAuntie described. Tell him how you feel and the impact, find out exactly how often they are in contact and explain to him how you find it inappropriate. Up to him then how he chooses to proceed when he knows it's having a detrimental impact on you and your relationship but hopefully he will value you more than his new friend (& if he doesn't, then sadly you'll have your answer).

Don't passively accept this situation.