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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
Wannakisstheteacher · 28/05/2021 11:07

I think you need to impress upon your son that he doesn’t get to tell anyone to have an abortion and then absolve himself of all responsibilities. At the very, very least he needs to start financially supporting his child.

I hope you can at least build a relationship with your Grandchild - if the DM is willing.

andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 11:11

Firstly teach your son that a woman's body is a woman's body and he has no right, and will never have any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. It shows his immaturity level if he said he 'told her to have an abortion' who does he think he is?

Also why is he pestering this girl to get back with him yet wants nothing to do with the baby?

He doesn't need to be in the baby's life, no one can force him and that is a shame however, he needs to pay. You need to teach him to take responsibility, you don't just get a girl pregnant with no responsibilities. To be honest, if he refused to pay he'd be out of my house. I think men like that are the lowest of the low, absolute scum.

Popetthetreehugger · 28/05/2021 11:14

Could you have an independent relationship with your grandchild? A child deserves as many loving good people in their life as possible. Your son is very young , he will be mortified when he looks back . I guess the child’s mother is young too .see if you can find out what level of support they have . We did this . 💐

Planty13 · 28/05/2021 11:16

You might get people telling you he is an adult and it’s his choice but this is something I would 100% be interfering with. You just be so disappointed. Are you interested in having a relationship with his child?

I’d be having some hard talks with him.

Happycat1212 · 28/05/2021 11:17

Also why is he pestering this girl to get back with him yet wants nothing to do with the baby?

The baby is with someone else, not the girlfriend he is trying to get back with

LaBellina · 28/05/2021 11:17

Your DS needs to learn that he can’t dictate what a woman does to her own body.

Second in your shoes I would try to build up an independent relationship with the child.
It’s your blood after all, regardless of how your DS deals with it. At least show the child and it’s mother that at least some of the family of his absent father acknowledges him or her and wants to get to know the child Sad

Happycat1212 · 28/05/2021 11:18

Also it’s probably best he isn’t involved the op can’t and shouldn’t try to force him to be involved when he doesn’t want to be, how is that good for the child?

The mum can apply for maintenance.

Smartiepants79 · 28/05/2021 11:19

I think the baby is with another girl?
Not surprised the girlfriend doesn’t want anything to do with him.
He’ll end up in trouble with the police for harassment if he’s not careful.
It sounds like he’s made some extremely poor choices. Has he always been like this?
Not sure what you can do to fix it. It sounds unlikely that he’s currently listening to you.
Do you want to have a relationship with the baby?

BilboBercow · 28/05/2021 11:19

I don't know what I'd do if a son of mind did this. Remind him how he'll be viewed as a man who abandons his child for the rest of his life.

Wannakisstheteacher · 28/05/2021 11:20

Does your DS have a relationship with his own Father? It is really worrying that he is cheating on his girlfriend, harassing her AND abandoning his own child after demanding abortions. It feels like this is learned behaviour and a total lack of respect for women.

RubyGoat · 28/05/2021 11:23

I’m afraid I agree with @andfinallylifeisgood. He won’t support his baby but he expects you to keep supporting him? Bollocks to that.

And yes, perhaps approach the mother of the baby & ask if she’d appreciate any support from you. Don’t push it though, she may be feeling very hurt. Just let her know you’re there if she wants to talk etc.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/05/2021 11:23

I'd be so disappointed with him too. Some clear communication that his actions have been poor, abortion isn't a quick fix for women who get pregnant is in order, perhaps several times. He needs to shape up and support this child. I'd be looking to support the mother and her child regardless of my son's actions too. She will need it.

3scape · 28/05/2021 11:24

"The mum can apply for maintenance"
Wtf? Do you think CM is some sort of benefit? The son should be paying, without prompting or being chased for the financial support of his child.

Happycat1212 · 28/05/2021 11:26

"The mum can apply for maintenance"
Wtf? Do you think CM is some sort of benefit? The son should be paying, without prompting or being chased for the financial support of his child.

Of course he should, but reading this thread he has denied the child, not even told his own mother and doesn’t see the child, do you really think he’s going to be paying off his own back Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2021 11:28

Do you know the mum of the baby?

NewlyGranny · 28/05/2021 11:31

How heartbreaking to discover you have a grandchild out there that you didn't even know existed. I think a heart-to-heart with DS could usefully be on your agenda. He must step up and take responsibility. Why not try to trigger some empathy in him by asking him to compare his own start in life with his child's?

Is he earning or studying? If you're supporting him, or he's paying board from wages, why not hold back or put away something regularly for this little one, if you can make contact and be sure the child is family?

That will be tricky to be sure of - gather all your tact!

mercuree · 28/05/2021 11:32

Sorry this is happening OP and echo what pps said about your son needing to pay for his child and withdrawing ALL support if he refuses.

I had a teenage waste of space dad who wanted nothing to do with me (and never paid a penny!), BUT my paternal gran tracked down my mum and reached out, and kept reaching out until they built up a relationship.

By the time I was 2 I was staying over every second weekend, sometimes every weekend when I got older. We have an absolutely fantastic relationship and her husband (not my father's dad but who cares) played such a paternal role in my life and still does to this day.

As great-grandparents they had my daughters staying once a week to help with childcare and allow me to work. I have brothers with no blood relation to them (because my mum moved on and met someone decent) but siblings call them Granny Annie and Papa and see them almost as an extra set of GPs. They're always popping in for coffee and I'm always popping over for dinner. Love them to bits!

So please, if it's possible, consider attempting to be part of the child's life regardless of your son and reach out to the mum. Don't facilitate and bend over backwards trying to get your son to physically / emotionally step-up - he would do it if he wanted to. He just needs to contribute financially.

Someone else said it first but the more loving people in a child's life, the better.

CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 11:33

I'd tell him if he doesn't get a job and start financially supporting his own child at the least then he can't expect you to financially support him.

anothernewtop · 28/05/2021 11:38

He sounds like a delight. I'm not sure how much influence you can have though, given that he thinks this is acceptable and he is now 19. Do you want to know your grandchild?

Original poster
Minewo · 28/05/2021 11:41

Yes the baby is with another girl not his ex.

DS has a relationship with his dad, I'm not with his dad but DS still sees him.

I don't know who the mum is but I do want to know my grandchild.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 28/05/2021 11:41

If he's 19 now and the ex girlfriend already had her baby what age was he when he was with her?
It sounds like the two of you don't have much open communication anyway. Does he still live at home or has he lived elsewhere for a while?

sadie9 · 28/05/2021 11:42

The girl may not want you in her life. She may not want your son in her child's life either. You'll have to approach that carefully.

VettiyaIruken · 28/05/2021 11:43

Does this prince among men at least contribute financially to help feed the child he created?

I'm sorry that he is such a toad. It must feel awful but don't start blaming yourself with the raised him better thoughts. This is not on you. It's on him.

He needs to know how disgusted you are with his behaviour and attitude though.

Notimeforaname · 28/05/2021 11:44

Jesus what a mess. You must find them and make contact. This is your grandchild. The poor little baby.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:45

He needs to leave his ex-girlfriend alone. If I were her mum I wouldn't want my 19-year-old to be involved with some guy who had a kid already anyway, much less a cheater who then abandoned his child.

Not much you can do about it all, though.

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