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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 28/05/2021 12:40

@newnortherner111

I am glad you feel a dad should not walk away from their responsibilities. Perhaps he gets such an attitude from our Prime Minister.
So true.
Alwaystired4 · 28/05/2021 12:41

You came here for advice not abuse, what a shame people have been so rude in some of these comments. Your his mother, you can do this (hug). Find the right moment to talk with him and maybe offer your support/help to the new grandchild that is coming. Aside from all the difficulties there will be a beautiful new baby on the way, don't lose hope. Hugs and best wishes, you can handle this :) xxxx

Thatsmycupoftea · 28/05/2021 12:43

I was the babies mum in this situation. I was a little bit older and with the man for 12 months though but still. The grandparents sided with their son telling me I was an awful person for not getting an abortion as that's what the 'dad' wanted and they were middle class so i was bringing shame on them. They were actually quite persistent and abusive to me when I was pregnant. Then they blanked me and their grandchild in the street. Basically the lot of them are scum of the earth. I honestly do not understand how the 'grandma' who was a single mother herself once upon a time and had daughters my age, could do that to her own grandchild. The 'dad' is bad enough but his family are despicable to me. Don't be like them.
My daughter has grown into a beautiful young lady, they have massively missed out, their loss.

muddyford · 28/05/2021 12:43

Just be careful with how you treat your son. A friend of mine had a son who got a girl pregnant (she had sworn she was infertile). The son ended up taking his own life. My friend has no relationship the grandchild and her son is dead.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 12:44

How on earth would OP know about a random ONS if it wasn't mentioned to her

Um what? How can you reduce “I have a child and you’re a grandparent” to it’s just a random ons? It’s not about the sex of how the child was conceived, It’s about the child themselves.

Op, as said, you and his father need to speak to him. He’s cheating, lying, harassing his ex,he’s abandoned his child. You need to find out why he’s behaving like this. Have you spoken to his father and let him know?

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 12:45

They sound like horrific people, @Thatsmycupoftea. Amazing that someone who'd been a single parent herself could act that way! Probably for the best they weren't in your daughter's life.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 12:46

You came here for advice not abuse, what a shame people have been so rude in some of these comments

Um at least the posters you’re hurling abuse at took the time to read the thread…

Happycat1212 · 28/05/2021 12:47

I’m speaking from my own experience, my ex is absent, he is not involved at all, though we did have a relationship and have 4 children but he’s never been involved since we split and doesn’t see them at all no maintenance either, you can’t force someone to be a parent, his parents aren’t involved as they both died before I met him, if they were alive I would have welcomed contact from them as it’s nice for children to know the other side to them, mine know nothing of the other side. The only thing legally you can force is child maintenance hence why people it. Even then that can be a battle and isn’t always easy to get.

Dervel · 28/05/2021 12:50

Hmm your son is only 19? How old is his child? Did all this happen before he was 18? Was the child’s mother a contemporary in age, or actually older? Depending on the answers to some of these questions your son may very well have been groomed and preyed upon. As such all of his behaviour may speak to the emotional trauma surrounding that.

I mean everyone is using the word child here instead of baby, and we’ve just had a year’s worth of lockdowns, so unless he’s been sneaking out a lot (which I’d guess you know), there may very well be more to this situation than initially appears.

If it was my son I’d really want to establish the facts here before I launched into moral judgements and recriminations. He may have been groomed and abused, especially if plied with alcohol by and older woman.

Branleuse · 28/05/2021 12:51

I hope you can track your grandchild down OP.

Original poster
Minewo · 28/05/2021 12:51

Yes, he does work. I don't think he pays any maintenance.

I have asked who the mother is but he won't tell me and he said it ‘doesn't matter’. He told me he'd only spoken to her a couple of times previously so he wanted her to have an abortion

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 12:52

A friend of mine had a son who got a girl pregnant (she had sworn she was infertile). The son ended up taking his own life.

Yes, we should all tiptoe around men who abandon their children for fear of upsetting the little lambs. After all, it was probably all the woman's fault, and he did nothing wrong at all. It's not like boys are advised to use condoms or anything.

RestingPandaFace · 28/05/2021 12:53

@CandyFIosss

Subbaxeo

Good point, I’m sure most of the people slating this man for suggesting an abortion would advise an abortion had it been their teenage daughter who told them they were pregnant after a drunken one night stand!

There’s a world of difference between suggesting as an option and demanding it and walking away if not though.
Mumoblue · 28/05/2021 12:53

I would be fucking fuming to have a deadbeat for a son.
How old is the baby?
Try and find out who the mother is. Much sympathy that your son is acting like such a pig.

RestingPandaFace · 28/05/2021 12:56

If he won’t tell you I’d go back to the girlfriends mum, I bet that she knows or can find out.

If I were you I would make it clear that you disapprove of his decisions and that he cannot and will not stop you having and relationship with your grandchild and their mother, provided that she is happy with this.

If he is working does he live with you, if he does I honestly think I’d consider kicking him out and using the money saved to support his child.

PurpleRainDancer · 28/05/2021 13:04

@Planty13

You might get people telling you he is an adult and it’s his choice but this is something I would 100% be interfering with. You just be so disappointed. Are you interested in having a relationship with his child?

I’d be having some hard talks with him.

This Good luck OP
UnsureOfNC · 28/05/2021 13:04

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop my parents are amazing, they were sceptical at first but realised it's not my nephews fault his dad is an arsehole. We all love my nephew very much and definitely made the right decision!

Mintjulia · 28/05/2021 13:05

Op, I think you need to have a very cLear conversation with your son.
Explain that the baby's mum will almost certainly claim CMS at some point and he will be required to pay, by law.
Personally, I would also reduce any financial help I give him, and start paying that money into a fund for future use by your grandchild. He needs to understand that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to get his head around his responsibilities.
As for hassling his ex, tell him he'll be prosecuted for harassment if he doesn't pack it in.
Finally I'd tell him how disgusted and ashamed I was. I have a son and I'm sure I'd feel equally upset. He needs to grow up fast.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/05/2021 13:06

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

A friend of mine had a son who got a girl pregnant (she had sworn she was infertile). The son ended up taking his own life.

Yes, we should all tiptoe around men who abandon their children for fear of upsetting the little lambs. After all, it was probably all the woman's fault, and he did nothing wrong at all. It's not like boys are advised to use condoms or anything.

Precisely, fucking disgraceful that women are being blamed for irresponsible men impregnating and then getting the blame for him dying because she didn't abort the baby. Vile comment, I'm embarrassed for that poster for eating that bullshit up
ravenmum · 28/05/2021 13:07

I think that there is an attitude that this is a socially acceptable thing to do and men do it all the time. That’s awful and it’s wrong. But I think telling him he is awful and wrong will be counterproductive. So personally I wouldn’t do this.
But we are all society, lavender - you are society - and in acting this way, you'd be acting as if this was a socially acceptable thing to do, thus supporting the awful attitude.

I wouldn't say he was a bad person. I'd explain why it is so shocking to act as if it is the woman's fault if he fails to put on a condom. Like OP, I believe I've brought up my son to be a decent person, so I would expect my explanation to filter through and him to reconsider his POV.

RosaBudDrood · 28/05/2021 13:11

I’m sure many would tell their teenage daughters pregnant as the result of a one night stand to have an abortion

And many wouldn't. What's your point? Drunken one night stand or not, this is his child, and it's a real low, shitty thing to do to not acknowledge it, or pay for it's upbringing.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 28/05/2021 13:15

We need to impress on society that men don't simply get to walk away from their children because it doesn't suit them. For far too long women have been left holding the baby whilst men get away seemingly with no consequence

there are no consequences for people (usually but not always men) who abandon their children

Quite. If the girl left the baby on the street she'd be vilified and probably prosecuted for neglect, but a boy can walk away.

If he has a child he has to take responsibility.

And leave other women alone. He is only 19, but as a pp said he needs to grow up fast.

Original poster
Minewo · 28/05/2021 13:15

@Dervel

Hmm your son is only 19? How old is his child? Did all this happen before he was 18? Was the child’s mother a contemporary in age, or actually older? Depending on the answers to some of these questions your son may very well have been groomed and preyed upon. As such all of his behaviour may speak to the emotional trauma surrounding that.

I mean everyone is using the word child here instead of baby, and we’ve just had a year’s worth of lockdowns, so unless he’s been sneaking out a lot (which I’d guess you know), there may very well be more to this situation than initially appears.

If it was my son I’d really want to establish the facts here before I launched into moral judgements and recriminations. He may have been groomed and abused, especially if plied with alcohol by and older woman.

I think the baby was born last September but his ex only found out a few months ago apparently. So he was 18 at the time and I think the mum might be the same age but I'm not 100% sure.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/05/2021 13:16

Maybe his ex-girlfriend knows her name?

Iwonder08 · 28/05/2021 13:20

First of all I would encourage your son to do a DNA test to confirm this baby is actually his. If it is his I would explain that it is ultimately his choice if he has relationship with the child, but legally he is obliged to support them financially.
I would also explain the practical implications of pestering the other girl(police involvement etc)
I would concentrate on a practical advice first and work on all the moral things after