Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
Holly60 · 28/05/2021 23:10

@malificent7

I'm sorry but if a man commited suicide because his mum gave him a hard time for being a dead beat dad that is NOT the woman's fault.
It’s probably no ones fault but someone’s son is still dead. That mother will still feel grief and wish that things had been different. I think you can both want a man to acknowledge his child whilst at the same time not want him to kill himself.
Owlina · 28/05/2021 23:56

I mean it's not like the benefits system or living costs have changed at all since your mum raised you have they? confused

I am on benefits raising a child too Hmm

Ohhyeahright · 29/05/2021 00:00

Dear lord

DeflatedGinDrinker · 29/05/2021 00:18

You need to sort your son out op. The childs here now he needs to step up.

Dddccc · 29/05/2021 00:24

Ffs he does not need to do anything other then a dna test then decisions need to be made whatever the outcome the op needs to sit down with her son and be understanding and offer help ie a dna asap they is no point in doing anything else until you know the child is his

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/05/2021 00:30

Has unprotected sex then doesn't deal responsibly with news of a pregnancy as if it isn't a natural
Consequence

"Tells" women to get abortions and doesn't respect their decision not to

Doesn't think men should contribute to their child's life

Harasses women to the point their parents get involved to try and stop him

Some serious issues with not understanding women are equal to men and are not obliged to do what men say and do not owe men a relationship.

I would be so disappointed in him, it must be fitting for your child to turn into an adult with no respect for women, I feel for you OP Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/05/2021 00:32

@Dddccc

Ffs it didn't even have to get to pregnancy she could have taken the morning after pill he also could have worn a condom we don't know but what I do know is it highly likely not his kid and needs a dna test
What you "do know"?! How on earth could you "know" that's unlikely unless you are the woman in question?! What a ridiculous thing to assert.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/05/2021 00:42

This is a Public Service Announcement:

Men are very much aware that sex produces babies. It's not just about having their 45 seconds of fun.
Men are also aware that contraception can fail.
Men are also aware that, in the U.K., if a woman wants an abortion, that's a decision he has no part of.
Men are also aware that human beings cost money and that the parents have a legal duty to provide financial care.

So why, when we are aware that men are equipped with this knowledge, do some people fall over themselves to insist men don't realise sex can end in a pregnancy they will have no choice over? Or insist their wallets shouldn't be hurt, in a country where child poverty is already insanely high? Or insist they're innocent victims who had no part in the whole falling pregnant matter. Or insist that they should shirk responsibilities of taking care of an actual human person who has to live in this world because of their actions (the actions they took in full awareness of the above? Remember).

Do you know men could do? If they so desperately want to avoid the risk of impregnating a woman? A few options

  1. They could get the snip. It's reversible. But very few do because they don't like the thought of the Mighty Penis being interfered with in a non-sexual way.
  2. They could abstain. I know that some people will recoil in horror at the thought of men not getting their dicks wet, but this is a totally valid choice and 100% guaranteed not to end in pregnancy.

Failing the above, and this is probably the easiest and most realistic option:

  1. They could actually get to know a woman before sleeping with her. They could find out if their views on contraception/baby making/abortions/how they'd deal with an unwanted pregnancy, are compatible. They don't HAVE to fuck every vagina they see immediately.

And before someone says women should take the same view - it's a good point but women have sex without the worry that someone else will get pregnant and they'll have no say in the outcome, so really if men don't want to be father the onus is on them to make it (not) happen.

BluePeterVag · 29/05/2021 00:57

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

This is a Public Service Announcement:

Men are very much aware that sex produces babies. It's not just about having their 45 seconds of fun.
Men are also aware that contraception can fail.
Men are also aware that, in the U.K., if a woman wants an abortion, that's a decision he has no part of.
Men are also aware that human beings cost money and that the parents have a legal duty to provide financial care.

So why, when we are aware that men are equipped with this knowledge, do some people fall over themselves to insist men don't realise sex can end in a pregnancy they will have no choice over? Or insist their wallets shouldn't be hurt, in a country where child poverty is already insanely high? Or insist they're innocent victims who had no part in the whole falling pregnant matter. Or insist that they should shirk responsibilities of taking care of an actual human person who has to live in this world because of their actions (the actions they took in full awareness of the above? Remember).

Do you know men could do? If they so desperately want to avoid the risk of impregnating a woman? A few options

  1. They could get the snip. It's reversible. But very few do because they don't like the thought of the Mighty Penis being interfered with in a non-sexual way.
  2. They could abstain. I know that some people will recoil in horror at the thought of men not getting their dicks wet, but this is a totally valid choice and 100% guaranteed not to end in pregnancy.

Failing the above, and this is probably the easiest and most realistic option:

  1. They could actually get to know a woman before sleeping with her. They could find out if their views on contraception/baby making/abortions/how they'd deal with an unwanted pregnancy, are compatible. They don't HAVE to fuck every vagina they see immediately.

And before someone says women should take the same view - it's a good point but women have sex without the worry that someone else will get pregnant and they'll have no say in the outcome, so really if men don't want to be father the onus is on them to make it (not) happen.

👏 Very well put.
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 29/05/2021 01:00

@3scape

"The mum can apply for maintenance" Wtf? Do you think CM is some sort of benefit? The son should be paying, without prompting or being chased for the financial support of his child.
Wtf do you think child maintenance is? It's not a benefit but paid by the dad.Hmm
Beeziekn33ze · 29/05/2021 01:02

You must be feeling ashamed of your son. He needs to face up to the consequences of his actions.Assuming that the child is his he needs to sort out child maintenance. Please find the baby’s mother and see what her circumstances are, the longer you leave it the more difficult it is likely to become. Most people need and want to know who their parents are. Too many men get away with avoiding facing up to their responsibilities both moral and financial. He’s acting like a naughty child whereas he should be facing up to life as an adult.
Even the ex-GF might have more respect for him if he stops blaming drink and the baby’s mother for what HE chose to do.

mercuree · 29/05/2021 01:21

@Owlina

I wouldn't ask a man for money if I chose to keep a baby they didn't want personally.

Either way, if I get pregnant, I'll deal with it. I don't need anyone else, especially someone who doesn't want to be involved.

And then...

I am on benefits raising a child too Hmm

Sorry just trying to understand the logic here.

You will not ask the man who consensually created a child with you for money to raise his child... but you will ask taxpaying citizens of the country, who didn't create the child, for money to raise that man's child?

And yes, by applying for benefits you asked. In exactly the same way that applying for CMS would be asking.

I. Do. Not. Understand.

I genuinely do not grunge any parent benefits AT ALL, and you'd get exactly the same amount of benefits even if he paid £100 a week. £200 a week.

But it's your principles that do not make any sense.

And regardless of the logic around expecting others to financially support a child when you do not expect his father to.... why wouldn't you want extra money for your child? From their own father! Even if you don't need it because benefits are suiting you just fine (which I genuinely doubt unless you are mortgage free or something) why not take your child on holiday or something? Pay for a tutor? Decorate her room? Days out? Pay for horse-riding lessons. Whatever.

Why purposefully deprive a child of money they are legally entitled to? Pride? Some weird reverse misogyny? Confused

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 29/05/2021 01:25

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

The baby was born in September? This is so far from OK.

Did you teach him about sex? Did you teach him from his teen years that every time he has sex, he risks a pregnancy. No contraception is 100%. He made the chose to have sex. It has resulted in a child. And his response was to order an abortion and then wash his hands of it?

I would be so far past disappointed I wouldn't even be able to see disappointed anymore. He'd be out on his arse today.

Oh look at you the perfect parent sticking the boot in. Hmm
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 29/05/2021 01:30

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

Yet another man who thinks a woman's body is his to control. Who thinks he has a right to have the woman he wants (shown by pestering the girl he cheated on). Who thinks it isnt his job to take an responsibility for the child he created. Leaves it all to the girl. Scumbag.
Jog on to the feminist board where you belong, sex and contraception is the responsibility of both concerned, now wind your neck in instead of ranting on!!!!!
Dervel · 29/05/2021 02:32

Well things don’t seem to have improved much here, not sure I can face all the vitriol in the full thread. These things are never simple when it comes to moral philosophy. There is always going to be strong feelings on either side in situations like this.

OP I hope this all somehow works out for all concerned. I don’t envy you this, but I’m sure you’ll do your utmost best.

CandyFIosss · 29/05/2021 02:50

why not take your child on holiday or something? Pay for a tutor? Decorate her room? Days out? Pay for horse-riding lessons. Whatever.

Holidays, tutors, days out, horse riding lessons are luxuries, it’s possible to bring up a child without all that, I never got very much from my ex even when I was claiming so we had to manage without all that, and I didn’t get a choice in it, when he decided he no longer wanted contact I cancelled the maintenance as I’m not going to force someone to pay for kids that they don’t want to see, all that stuff you listed is luxuries and children can survive without it.

Dreamersunited · 29/05/2021 04:21

Wow @Minewo you must be in shock. So much to take in.

If DS lives with you - you have the power to intervene a bit more... you might have to be patient whilst you get to know where the child is. Hopefully the mother will be receptive to you.

BadNomad · 29/05/2021 05:59

@CandyFIosss

why not take your child on holiday or something? Pay for a tutor? Decorate her room? Days out? Pay for horse-riding lessons. Whatever.

Holidays, tutors, days out, horse riding lessons are luxuries, it’s possible to bring up a child without all that, I never got very much from my ex even when I was claiming so we had to manage without all that, and I didn’t get a choice in it, when he decided he no longer wanted contact I cancelled the maintenance as I’m not going to force someone to pay for kids that they don’t want to see, all that stuff you listed is luxuries and children can survive without it.

I don't understand this at all. That money isn't about you or your ex. Doesn't matter if he sees them or not. That money is your child/children's. You're refusing to take money that's owed to them. No, you dont need to spend it on "luxuries", but you could put it in a savings account for them so they have a little bit of money for when they turn 18. Unless you have a ton of money of your own it's a bit selfish to deprive them of something they deserve.
a8mint · 29/05/2021 07:46

Your son is an adult and tbis is his decision, not yours.

TheWaif · 29/05/2021 07:50

So what does he say when you tell him how disgusting that is?

Do you just carry on as normal with him? I don't think I could.

Are you just going to carry on letting him live in your house? Like what he's saying is completely normal and acceptable and okay by you?

KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 08:03

@Dervel

Well things don’t seem to have improved much here, not sure I can face all the vitriol in the full thread. These things are never simple when it comes to moral philosophy. There is always going to be strong feelings on either side in situations like this.

OP I hope this all somehow works out for all concerned. I don’t envy you this, but I’m sure you’ll do your utmost best.

No link to you your unfounded and dramatic assertions about adoption then?

Just popping in to sneer?

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 29/05/2021 08:11

Apparently pulling her up for her offensive and misogynistic assertions about adoption counts as vitriol now @KidneyBeans

RosaBudDrood · 29/05/2021 08:49

@a8mint

Your son is an adult and tbis is his decision, not yours.
🙄
CandyFIosss · 29/05/2021 08:55

BadNomad

I guess for me I don’t want to feel grateful to my ex for anything or for him to think he contributed financially when really it was forcefully taken from him, I also don’t want my children to feel grateful to their absent dead best father because they get savings when they are older from him, I can match what he paid and put it away for them. I don’t need to feel like he supported us in anyway, if he doesn’t want to see his children I don’t want his money, but I get not everyone feels that way but there’s a lot of assumptions that she would even want the money.

Bizawit · 29/05/2021 08:55

@a8mint

Your son is an adult and tbis is his decision, not yours.
By that same logic he should also be out of his mother’s house and supporting himself. OP’s son has behaved in an appalling manner, which seriously impacts the lives of others. Who can hold him accountable if not the OP, who is still providing for him/ supporting him as a mother?