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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 28/05/2021 12:13

He may not be able to financially contribute now if he is a student but certainly when he is earning

My heart bleeds. How come "can't" contribute financially is a perfectly valid option for a man? It's not like the mother of this baby can just say, "I can't contribute financially because I'm a student".

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 12:14

Subbaxeo

Good point, I’m sure most of the people slating this man for suggesting an abortion would advise an abortion had it been their teenage daughter who told them they were pregnant after a drunken one night stand!

MrsMaizel · 28/05/2021 12:14

This reply has been deleted

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Serpenta · 28/05/2021 12:14

@CandyFIosss

Would people really start paying for a child on their sons behalf or even seeing the child without first having a dna test? This baby was from a drunken on night stand, personally I wouldn’t be seeing or paying for a child without confirmation it was actually my sons child. I’m not sure that would go down well with the mum though 🤔
I'd want confirmation but I'd be consulting the diplomatic corps on how to do that without majorly pissing the mum off.
CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 12:14

Students don’t have to pay maintenance by cms, my sisters ex didn’t have to because he was a student.

Goawaymuppet · 28/05/2021 12:16

That’s so hard. I think reach out to the family and if you can offer financial support and see what happens.

andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 12:16

@CandyFIosss advised is one thing. Telling a girl to get an abortion is quite another.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 12:16

@CandyFIosss

Subbaxeo

Good point, I’m sure most of the people slating this man for suggesting an abortion would advise an abortion had it been their teenage daughter who told them they were pregnant after a drunken one night stand!

Suggesting and telling are very different things. I wouldn't tell a teenage daughter to have an abortion but I would suggest it's an option she should give a lot of thought to.
KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 12:17

@Minewo
You need a calm conversation with him.

He may have been drunk but ultimately he chose to have unprotected sex and has created a child. It is not the woman's responsibility to absolve him of his responsibilities by having a termination she doesn't want.

This is his opportunity to demonstrate what kind of person he is - yes responsibility is difficult and scary but ignoring his child is cowardly and irresponsible. What kind of person does he want to be?

He sounds scared, immature and irresponsible. He's still pretty young but needs to grow up, and quickly

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 12:18

I’m sure many would tell their teenage daughters pregnant as the result of a one night stand to have an abortion.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 12:20

@CandyFIosss

I’m sure many would tell their teenage daughters pregnant as the result of a one night stand to have an abortion.
Perhaps many would but it's a shit approach.
AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 12:20

@Minewo

Yes the baby is with another girl not his ex.

DS has a relationship with his dad, I'm not with his dad but DS still sees him.

I don't know who the mum is but I do want to know my grandchild.

I hope you can reach out to her and she will allow you in your grandchild's life
mamamalt · 28/05/2021 12:20

Ah OP. I'm so sorry you must be feeling so gutted. I know I would be really disappointed in my DS too. I'm not going to echo anyone else as I'm sure you know how he has behaved is wrong but I would like to say that the person we are at 19 is not always an accurate reflection of the person we have been raised to be nor the person we end up being.
All the best to you and your family. I really hope amends can be made.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 12:21

@CandyFIosss

I’m sure many would tell their teenage daughters pregnant as the result of a one night stand to have an abortion.
Telling anyone to have an abortion is despicable, letting them know they have that option is a different thing
Treacletoots · 28/05/2021 12:21

I'm still shocked that people think it's OK for him not to have a relationship with his child, as long as he contributes.

We need to impress on society that men don't simply get to walk away from their children because it doesn't suit them. For far too long women have been left holding the baby whilst men get away seemingly with no consequence.

What do we need to do as a society to make this change?

So sorry OP. I do hope your grandchild's mother allows you access to their life. I once dated someone in exactly the same scenario. His mother didn't know about a grandchild until she was 5! Needless to say I wasn't impressed and it didn't last much longer after I found that out!

Triffid1 · 28/05/2021 12:22

@CandyFIosss

I’m sure many would tell their teenage daughters pregnant as the result of a one night stand to have an abortion.
Sure. And then, if the girl refused, and her family then withdraw all support and kicked her out onto the street, they'd be bad people.

Wanting someone to get an abortion, suggesting it, even "telling" her to do it are all one thing. But to decide that you're not going to support your child because a woman you had sex with doesn't want to have an abortion is completely wrong.

It's like the old, "look, I offered to pay for an abortion but I'm not giving her another penny beyond that. if she chooses to have this baby, it's her problem." bollocks which completely absolves men of any responsibility for the conception of that baby.

Happycat1212 · 28/05/2021 12:23

Treacletoots

Genuinely interested in how you can force someone to be involved in their child’s life if they don’t want to?

BlackSwan · 28/05/2021 12:24

How unfortunate for the child. I hope you can help your son gain some maturity so he steps up to his responsibilities.

This sounds like a flash forward for the poster yesterday talking about her 14yo DS who is clearly embarking on a sexual relationship in her home...

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 28/05/2021 12:24

I feel for you @Minewo , but your son needs a kick up the arse and a reality check

Derbee · 28/05/2021 12:24
  1. ask your son who the girl is
  2. if he won’t tell, contact the ex gf/mother/ your sons friends etc until you know
  3. delicately approach the girl/her parents and apologise for your sons appalling behaviour
  4. pay for a DNA test to confirm your son should be paying maintenance
  5. support the mother of your grandchild in whatever financial way you can. If this means any support you give your son stops immediately and is redirected to the child, then that’s ideal
  6. hope that the mother of your grandchild allows you a relationship
  7. have a relationship with your grandchild that is independent of your son, until he sees what he’s missing out on

I’m not one for kicking children out of the house, but I’d find it pretty difficult to support a teenage son with food/clothes/phone/housing who had abandoned their own child. He may well need a taste of his own medicine

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 12:25

Wow, he’s behaving terribly, on all fronts. Not just harassing his ex to the extent her parents need to get involved, but ignoring his child, I assume not even contributing financially and making statements like he told her to get an abortion.

I’d be really upset if my son was treating people like this, it’s horrendous.

I think you and his father need to talk to him, even if seperatly and impress on him how awful he’s behaving. Ultimately he’s an adult though and this is who he is.

Treacletoots · 28/05/2021 12:33

@Happycat1212 I hear you. That's the problem isnt it? That there are no consequences for people (usually but not always men) who abandon their children.

I suppose when the prime minister of the country seems to think it's OK then nothing will change further down the chain.

Genuinely asking the question, how do we change this? Instead of accepting the status quo isn't it time we tried to change things. Once upon a time women didn't vote. Something has to change. The question is how do we start?

ViciousJackdaw · 28/05/2021 12:34

@MrsMaizel

Your 19 year old son has a child and you didn't know anything about it ? You don't have much of a relationship do you ? God almighty .....
Oh don't be so ridiculous. Men are excellent at lying, covering up and omission (NAMALT blah blah blah). How on earth would OP know about a random ONS if it wasn't mentioned to her?

Whether you like it or not, you cannot force a NRP to have anything to do with the child. Their only obligation is to pay maintenance.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 12:35

I'm just really glad his ex gf isn't wanting anything to do with him - a cheater with a kid. First of all he needs to needs to know he needs to leave her alone. If I were her mother I'd make it clear to him if he keeps bothering her we're going to the police.

3peassuit · 28/05/2021 12:36

Your distress is understandable OP but this is not your fault. Like others, I would contact the baby’s mother and offer what support I could and make sure your son understands his financial responsibilities.
Your son’s attitude to both the mother of his child and his ex horrendous. He needs someone to set him straight, the sooner this happens the better.

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