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Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/05/2021 13:42

@Loveacoseynightin

If it was a ONS and the father asked the mother to get an abortion and the mother decides to keep the baby why should the father then have to contribute to a child he never wanted?

If the woman decides to keep the baby as is her right why should the father be penalised?

Well because he choose to take part in the activity that created the child (probably without taking precautions himself). Once the child is created the father doesn't get to relinquish all responsibility because he couldn't convince the mother to have an invasive, and sometimes pretty traumatic procedure.
Monkey2001 · 28/05/2021 13:43

Just want to wish you well, it is a horrible situation for you to pick up. I hope you manage to establish a positive relationship with your grandchild and its mum and that your son comes to realise his responsibilities.

I think the best thing you can do is to try to make it clear to the mum that you are there and want to support her, whatever your DS does. If she does not want you in her life, I would offer some financial support and keep sending Birthday and Christmas cards and try to keep the door open if she feels ready to accept your help.

Flowers
TatianaBis · 28/05/2021 13:44

How is it possible not to be aware that your 18 year old son to have had a baby?

I get that it was a ons and that he didn’t want it - but he didn’t mention it to you? That you were going to be a GP?

Where is he living?

He’s not just treating his son and his ex badly but you as well.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 28/05/2021 13:45

I think I'm seeing this as the whole lot of you to blame because of my personal experience, this is hitting close to home.

My ex walked out when our youngest was a few weeks old. So I was left with 2 kids, and had no idea he was going. Came home and all his stuff was just gone. He decided he wanted no contact with the kids, and told his parents they could either see him or see their grandchildren. They chose him.
He then used every trick he could to avoid any maintenance and his dad said to me, "well, we just didnt think that was important to we didnt think it was worth talking to him about".

I found out later that he had left me for a woman he worked with, it only lasted a few months and he ended up back living with his parents. They were just horrible, selfish people. And that's why he turned out the way he did. Followed their example.

So this, when I see a story if a boy acting like this, I just think "what sort of example did his parents set and what did they do when he abandoned the kid".

So, he's done this disgusting thing. What are you going to do?

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 13:45

Why would the mum claim this prince among men is the baby's father if he wasn't? He's a 19yo idiot that wants nothing to do with the baby. What possible advantage would it give the woman to have that as her baby's father.

Maybe you would be happy to take a strangers word but i absolutely would not, the sensible thing here is to take a dna test, it could be between 2 fathers and they are both useless? You don’t know that she isn’t telling anyone else they are the dad as well. If this wasn’t a one night stand then fair enough but it was so I would absolutely be wanting conformation.

Also women can chose to walk away from kids as well and have them adopted, not a single person thinks a woman should be forced to bring up a child she doesn’t want so why should a man have to? I agree with cm payments but no he shouldn’t be forced to raise a child he didn’t want just like a woman wouldn’t be.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 13:45

@Loveacoseynightin

If it was a ONS and the father asked the mother to get an abortion and the mother decides to keep the baby why should the father then have to contribute to a child he never wanted?

If the woman decides to keep the baby as is her right why should the father be penalised?

If a man doesn't want a child he can (a) abstain or (b) wear a condom.

He chose not to exercise those options, so tough. Choices have consequences. That's life.

FijiCavanaugh · 28/05/2021 13:45

Yes I would ask the gf's Mum if she can tell you who the mother is. Let her know how disappointed and angry you are with him and she will probably have sympathy.

Dddccc · 28/05/2021 13:52

Wow for all everyone know he could have worn a condom and it spilt she also could have been on the pill or got the morning after pill and dna all the way I would not pay a penny until I have seen evidence that its your gc

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/05/2021 13:54

How is it possible not to be aware that your 18 year old son to have had a baby?

Well men don't show any obvious signs they have fathered a child.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/05/2021 13:54

@Loveacoseynightin

If it was a ONS and the father asked the mother to get an abortion and the mother decides to keep the baby why should the father then have to contribute to a child he never wanted?

If the woman decides to keep the baby as is her right why should the father be penalised?

Because the CHILD is innocent in all this, and should not suffer for the circumstances of their conception/birth. And, as others have said, @Loveacoseynightin, he took the risk of conceiving a baby when he had unprotected sex - why should he get off scot-free whilst the mum’s life and the baby’s life become even harder than they are already?
Original poster
Minewo · 28/05/2021 13:55

[quote Dervel]@Minewo ok and how old was he around 9 months before that?[/quote]
He was 17 when the baby was conceived.

Yes he does live with me and I did talk to him about contraception etc when he was a teenager

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 28/05/2021 13:58

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

How is it possible not to be aware that your 18 year old son to have had a baby?

Well men don't show any obvious signs they have fathered a child.

No shit, but you’d think he might have mentioned it.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/05/2021 14:02

No shit, but you’d think he might have mentioned it.

Why? He obviously didn't want his mumbto know. Its not something you're likely to let slip if you are actively trying to keep it a secret is it. Dont ask silly questions, you won't get silly answers.

DiscordandRhyme · 28/05/2021 14:04

Your son seems to have no understanding of consequences.

He cheats on his girlfriend, she no longer wants anything to do with him - instead of accepting his bad behaviour caused this and she's right to leave him, he keeps bothering her.

He doesn't use protection when he cheats so said girl gets pregnant - instead of saying he'd prefer not to keep it but ultimately if she decides to as it's partially his responsibility he'll provide financial help instead he's blaming her for not having an abortion and denying the child it's father because the circumstances now don't suit him.

No doubt you're wrong too OP for taking the stance you are. Things aren't on his terms and thee as DS not OK in his mind.

He seems to have a real ugly view on woman and sees himself as a Prince that he isn't.

I wouldn't jump to blaming yourself though - as long as you w taught him to respect women/people in general then it's his immaturity and self entitled nature that's the problem here.

Rosieandjim04 · 28/05/2021 14:06

@CandyFIosss

Why would the mum claim this prince among men is the baby's father if he wasn't? He's a 19yo idiot that wants nothing to do with the baby. What possible advantage would it give the woman to have that as her baby's father.

Maybe you would be happy to take a strangers word but i absolutely would not, the sensible thing here is to take a dna test, it could be between 2 fathers and they are both useless? You don’t know that she isn’t telling anyone else they are the dad as well. If this wasn’t a one night stand then fair enough but it was so I would absolutely be wanting conformation.

Also women can chose to walk away from kids as well and have them adopted, not a single person thinks a woman should be forced to bring up a child she doesn’t want so why should a man have to? I agree with cm payments but no he shouldn’t be forced to raise a child he didn’t want just like a woman wouldn’t be.

I'd agree with getting a DNA test done sensibly, how often do women give their children up for adoption or abandon them? It's very rare unlike feckless father's which seems to be common.

It's common knowledge that sex can result in pregnancy.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 14:06

@ravenmum

Maybe his ex-girlfriend knows her name?
Yeah, she probably does if she found out about the child she must know who the mother is
Loveacoseynightin · 28/05/2021 14:07

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/05/2021 14:10

“Subbaxeo

I feel very sorry for the teenage parents-drunken mistake with life changing consequences. I don’t understand why suggesting an abortion was such a terrible thing to do. I would suggest it to my daughter if she had a drunken fling at a party and ended up pregnant.“

The thing is Subaxxo some people just don’t feel right having an abortion and no one can have sex assuming it is an option if there is a pregnancy- which is not an unusual result even without drunkenness, even when contraception is used.

Your response is understandable but in my opinion shows what Lavender means by our society being at fault. Sex is hallowed as an automatic right and taken for granted, but the possibility that a child might result, or that any responsibility might be attached, is all too easily forgotten.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 14:10

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

It's morally wrong to you that men can't dictate to women as to whether they have an abortion or not, and that they are required to face up to the consequences of their actions?

Oh such a moral conundrum!

You sound exactly like one of those women who rails against evil women entrapping her lovely son who just wants to shag about and please stop being so mean as to expect anything from him.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/05/2021 14:11

My apologies, “Subbaxeo”

Rosieandjim04 · 28/05/2021 14:11

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.
[/quote]
It's a person not a dog and you're asking the state to pick up the tab for feckless father's
It's well known sex can result in pregnancy . Most likely he's not rich so his child maintenance will be minimal if he doesn't work it will be £5 per week is anyone that cruel to deny a child £5 per week???!

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 14:13

how often do women give their children up for adoption or abandon them? It's very rare unlike feckless father's which seems to be common

Women absolutely do give their children up for adoption or leave them with family members to care for them instead, from my own experience I know of women who are having to raise their grandchildren as the mums wouldn’t, women also abandon their babies there’s been cases of newborns being abandoned, one very recently, so yes it does happen.

SofiaMichelle · 28/05/2021 14:16

If your son isn't paying to support the child, who is?

I'd disown him if he was mine. Not for the fact he became a father at a young age - these things happen - but for the way he's treated the mother and his child.

Getawaywithit · 28/05/2021 14:17

You will need to be hard, OP.

I have made it clear to my teenage boys that if they abandon a child, I will do everything I can to have a relationship with said child and support their mother as best I can. I have also made it clear I will rewrite my will and give their share to their abandoned child making it clear in the will why that's the case.

Getawaywithit · 28/05/2021 14:17

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child

What about the right of a child to know both its parents and to be supported by both its parents - financially and emotionally? Or is it only absent father's rights that matter?